This Sucks and I Hurt SO Bad
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| Thu, 09-01-2005 - 5:35pm |
This just sucks and I hurt and I can't seem to move past it.
The guy I was seeing for a couple of months just up and dumped me. First, I'm very close to his sister and older brother...I've known them longer than I've known him.
Anyway...everything seemed to be totally great. He called me last Thursday night and we talked until 2am. He talked about everything from wanting to marry me (eventually) to what we were going to do on the weekend. He has told me that he loved me, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, Friday rolled around and we went to our mutual friend's house to play cards. After that he asked me to stay the night with him. I did, but I left early Sat. morning. He told me that he was going to go work, etc. He calls me Sat. afternoon and says that he didn't go to work, that his ex-wife's teenage brother came over and he spent the day with him. Okay, that's fine, he's really close to the kid. He then tells me that he's going to go to some friends of his dad's and that I can come with him. I didn't really want to go, so I told him to go have fun and we'd talk later. He told me to call him in an hour and we would meet up. Saturday evening rolls around and he comes over to some different friends of ours. He's nice, funny, being sweet, nothing wrong. He ends up asking me to stay with him again, so I do.
I leave Sunday morning to go get my dd (she spent the weekend w/ her father). Crap went on with my ex and he wouldn't give our dd back, so I was really upset. After that all cooled down, my now ex bf calls and asks me to come over for dinner. I do, but he's not really talkative and keeps looking at me. He says there's nothing wrong, that he's just tired, and comes and sits by me on the couch, kisses me, puts his arms around me, etc.
I leave early and he kisses me bye.
He practically avoids me Monday. He finally calls me a 10pm and is very weird. So I confront him about it. He says that everything is just moving fast and he's still in love with his ex wife and wants to slow things down. So, I told him that I'm a big girl and that if he doesn't want to see me then that was fine, but he needed to just come out and really say what he wanted instead of leaving me hoping for something else. So he tells me that he doesn't want to see me. So, I'm hurt. I tell him that he never should have had sex with me, he should never had told me all the things that he did about love, etc., and since he had been thinking of her for a couple of days now then he should never of had me stay the weekend with him.
So, since I'm close w/ his mom, brother, and sister, they call and talk to me. His mom tells me that after the 2 of us got off the phone he called her crying and talked to her for 2 hours. She says that he really cares about me, that I'm great, but it's not fair for him to be w/ me if he's still thinking about his ex. Well...I think that's crap. The fact is is that his ex is living with a married man and still stringing him along and that hurts too. I understand where he's coming from though, but I can't help but hurt so bad.
So what do I do? What is so wrong with me that I completely get involved so fast with someone just to have it thrown in my face. I want to call him, but I know there is nothing left to say. His mom says that he's just sitting at home moping around. This just sucks. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know it was fast, but I feel that I did love him and he's just taken my heart and stomped on it. So what do I do? Nothing? How do I get over this? I feel so silly and crazy. But I want to badly for someone to want me. That sounds crazy too. I just enjoy the fact that there's someone out there thinking about me and wondering how my day is going, and now no one is.
Depressively yours,
Kait

Hi Kaitlyn - hugs to you!!
I understand what you mean when you say, "But I want to badly for someone to want me. That sounds crazy too. I just enjoy the fact that there's someone out there thinking about me and wondering how my day is going, and now no one is."
I think that is the way we all feel.
It sounds to me like you got snaggled in the old "I am not over my ex" trap. In my experience this often crops up in a newly divorced guy who gets overwhelmed when he is not really over his ex and he starts to develop feelings for a new person. Chances are, if it did go fast like you said, he got overwhelmed and confused and to be in love with you means he has to close the door on his ex. He is just not ready.
As with all relationships, we all take a risk that we will get hurt. I am sorry for you that you had to go through this.
There is nothing you can really do now except to accept the fact that he is not ready to be involved and he cannot be emotionally available to you. It is not about you or about anything being wrong with you.
I know it hurts - but you just have to accept this and move on. Don't contact him or the others - stay away. Time will heal you.
If you set your standards high chances are you will meet the right person.
How long has he been divorced? The only thing you can do if it was newly divorced or separated when you met him is to make a mental note of this risk and see it for the next time.
I hope this helps - I am sure the others will chime in with warm wards and wisdoms as well.
Kait,
I'm sorry you feel so deceived. I'm sure that he was in turmoil over his emotions for a while, and wanted to spend the weekend with you as a way to sort out his feelings for you. In the end, he was overwhelmed so he took the *easy* way out- pine for the ex who has apparently moved on.
I agree with Judy though, that it's nothing to do with you, nor anything that you did. He wasn't ready to be involved with someone new, and instead of being honest with himself and you, he pushed on trying to force himself to get over his ex. But it catches up with you and you have to deal with it at some point, and apparently for him, that's now.
It's always a chance when we open our hearts to love, sometimes it works out, sometimes not. It's a chance that we have to take if we want to share our lives with another human being. When it doesn't work out, we have to take the time to heal and learn from the relationship before being able to open our hearts to new love.
You will heal in time. Get yourself busy doing things so you don't have the time to think about him. If he calls you anytime soon, I would encourage you not to talk to him until you're not succeptable to giving in to anything he may say. You don't want to take him back and go through all this heartache again when he *realizes*, again, that he's still in love with his ex. So don't get caught up in that saga, leave him alone for a while and maybe one day you can be friends with him again.
Face it, HE'S the one missing out on a great woman.
Alison