too mature/or too immature
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too mature/or too immature
| Sat, 09-03-2005 - 3:53pm |
Hi everyone, Its been awhile since i posted on here but I figured no better place to go and ask for some advise. Here's the situation. I am a 33year old divorced mom of a 14 year old boy, work a full time job making not great money, take good care of my son and try to take good care of myself. I have had some financial difficulties over the last years and I am still working hard to get out of debt. I contribute to a retirement plan, try and save for a rainy day, though the dollar amount of my savings isn't anything of real substance. Ok, now that you know all of that, let me tell you about the guy that I have been seeing for the last 4 months. He is 32 years old, divorced and has a young son. He has been divorced for about 2years. The divorce was horrible being that hefound out his wife was cheating on him while he was in the hospital for an extended period of time. He had a surgery which left him in the hosptial for about 3 months. Nonetheless, they got divorced, he was off of work for about a year recovering from his surgery, which he still has serious issues with. My problem is this....he works a deadend job, no benefits, no retirement plan, NOTHING. He has no money in the bank and pretty much just lives day to day. I have to tell you again that he has health problems in which he has to go back in and have surgery again, but hasn't done it yet. Shortly after we met, he let me in on all of this, so I helped him try and get his OVERDUE, unpaid bills in order, and by help him I mean set up a budget for him. I have stressed several times that his "toys" need to go for now in order to get his monetary situation back on track, but he is not listening. I have been on the internet sending him job postings, asking him if he submitted the applications and such, and he hasn't. He told me last night that he has alot of problems and I am acting like they can be fixed overnight, which ticked me off and hurt my feelings being that I have a solution for him, but he is not doing it. I am tired of hearing that his life is all messed up but I don't see him taking any real steps to improve it. The first thing is having his surgery, and I know he is terrified being what happened with his last surgery, but it is the first step. He told me that over the last couple of weeks, this is all I keep talking to him about and that we arn't having as much fun as we first did. That really hurt me because, he asked me for help and suggestions and now that I gave it to him, and I am trying to help him get his life in order, he has the nerve to say that to me. I felt like it was a slap in the face. I really care for this person and would like to have a future with him and that is why I am doing this, but I have to say I am feeling like a mother. I have vowed to myself not to say another word to him about it all and see what he does on his own but I keep thinking why should I end up wasting more time if this is how he is going to be. Any suggestions? Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so but if I am, let me know!!!!!!!!!!

Hi,
Good to have you back again! No, you are not being unreasonable. If you had suggested a budget, but he used a different one and it still worked, you would be unreasonable. The fact that this person does nothing to improve his situation is a (BIG) problem on his part. I will go out on a limb here because I dont' know the person and all I know about the situation is your post, but has he been evaluated by his physician for depression? Considering all that he has been through, it seems a pretty likely thing to me, and could possibly be caused by medication he is taking, or a body chemical imbalance due to his health situation. It just sounds like classic symptoms of depression for him to be so overwhelmed with his current state that he doesn't do anything to try to improve it. It's possible that medication and/or counseling would do him some good. It could possibly take trying two or three different meds to find the one that works for him if this is the case. However, if he is not depressed and this is just his natural personality, or if he refuses to combat his depression, there may not be much else you can do for this person.
HTH
Kelly
You need to worry about your son and yourself rather than a fully grown man.
He will not change who he is, so why are you pushing him? If he wants to sit around in a dead end job and complain about how miserable he is, then let him. He sounds like he's happy being unhappy and is stuck in the "poor me" complaining pit. He wants everyone to feel badly for him and BOO HOO with him, but anyone that tries to help (ie.you) he just snaps at. He snaps because he's not interested in someone helping him to better himself, he's interested in someone taking care of him.
I think you need to tell him it's over and get out there and start dating again. You need to find a man who shares your qualities, morals, work ethic, etc so that the two of you can truly build a life together.
You don't need a lazy, self absorbed bum.
I guess the biggest thing is what kind of role model do you want your son around? Are what you're teaching him and what you're living reinforcing the same values? If you're trying to tell him that working hard and saving money is good, but continue seeing a man who barely puts in an effort with his work and blows his money on *wants*, what do you think you're teaching your son?
Alison
Hi Bobbypiesmom,
Glad to see you back!!
I read your post - and you sound like a wonderful person who sees the good and potential in someone - which is great for a mom!!
But I think everything Alison said is so true. You cannot change him - he has to change himself. And he sounds to me like he has way more liabilities than assets for his life and what he can offer you.
You are a single mom who is struggling herself so you have to be ultra careful who you bring into your life. You have no room for error.
I could excuse a health problem. But his attitude and job situation and money skills and financial philosophy I could NOT excuse. A recent bitter divorce adds another big doubt to the pot as well.
You have to be brutally selfish to get the right person. You need to look at what he brings to your table right now. And all I see is heartache, disappointment and money woes. There is one word for this - NEXT!!
Don't worry if you are alone or alone for a while - focus on you, your career, your son and on doing a good job at living on a tough budget - you sound like you are very mature, sweet and responsible. You will find the right person!!
Good luck and keep us posted - I hope you hang around and post with us. Perhaps others will lend some kind or wise words as well.
NO way are you being outrageous, hold your guns just in case. I have btdt. But I also know how it is to have hope for someone to change. Don't change your life anymore than you have so far (as far as he is concerned) and if he doesn't change, boot him to the curb.
LOL, I need to take my own advice.
Shannon
You feel like his mother because you are taking on that role.