Feeling like a Fool

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Feeling like a Fool
9
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:44pm

I have posted here a few times about my situation, but yet again need more advice! I broke up with my BF of one year about a month ago. We were in love, but he had so much on his plate and was still going through a bitter custody battle. He didn't have the time for us and I made the agonizing decision to end it. He and I had talked of this several times prior to the actual "break up" conversation, so it didn't hit him out of the clear blue. The final conversation took place on the phone (that is how busy he is!) and at that time he stated that he wanted to see me in person and would call me when he returned from his business trip. Of course, he never called. This shocked me, b/c it seemed out of character for him to be like that. I struggled with it for a week or so and then broke down and sent him an email and left him a voice mail. He did not respond. At that point, I pretty much knew that it was time to move on. I have been doing well trying to shift my focus and decide what i really want from a relationship. The problem is, i am totally obsessing over why he never called me back. I need that closure and it is driving me nuts that he is not giving it to me. Does that sound crazy? I have been going to counseling since my divorce and am trying very hard, but there is this lingering issue....

i haven't told anyone this b/c they would kill me, but i guess this is a safe place to do it. i loaned him money. about $1000 to pay lawyer bills. i know that it was foolish and that i was just caught up in trying to help him, but know i don't know what to do. he has not returned my calls (i have only made 2 more)and i know that he doesn't have the money to give back to me. do i just drop it at this point and consider it a lesson learned? it is hard b/c as with all of us, i could really use that money and feel like a fool for being so gullible.

i think that that is why i can't let it go. any input from you guys would be great. thanks all!

steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:56pm

I think closure is something you give yourself.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 5:42pm

Oh dear, Steph, that is such a bummer all the way around.

I think you have to look at this as 2 issues - the first and most important is that you need to get over him. Closure is more in your head but if you require a letter or call that is fine.

Second is the money. That is a lot of money. I think that he should have a plan to pay you off in some manner. Either payments or at some point in time. If you cool down for a few weeks then maybe you can discuss this and try to get it back.

Just my two cents worth. Hope this helps!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 6:37pm
I will tell you West said it best. He knows it is over and feels if he doesnt talk to you he made off with the money. Well the guy is a coward and now you can see he would never step up to the plate for you. You are better off without him. He could call and say I am busy I will call you tomorrow. You got your closouer knowing he is undepenable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:50pm

Steph,

I'm sorry that things ended the way they did. It's tough to not get that closure we seek, to have those questions answered, but you'll just have to give yourself permission to close that relationship on your own. If it makes you feel better, then by all means email him and give him your thoughts and feedback on the situation, but do not expect an answer.

As for the money, I think you should resolve that you won't see the money, BUT you should make an attempt to collect it. I think you should leave him a message and let him know that you would like it paid back and could he call you to make arrangements as soon as possible. Like softballs and Judy said, you can't let him off the hook on this one. Even if he pays you $20 here and $50 there, you keep a running total of what he owes you until it's paid back.

But don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to help, it's human nature. Just be wise next time, what is the saying, "borrower nor lender be..."? Anytime someone lends money they have to do so with the idea that it will never be paid back.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:17am

I was just thinking too - he could give you a cash advance from a credit card or a promise that when he sells the marital assets he will pay you.

I think you should approach it with the intention that you are willing to let the relationship/romance go because it is not right for either one of you right now - but you are a single mom with kids to feed and you need the money and he is not getting off the hook.

I think if you refuse to take no for an answer and are persistent about the money he will pay you. Particularly if you contact him at work. I think I would be relentless with that. It is a lot.

(edited to say let the relationship go but not the money!)




Edited 9/8/2005 11:27 am ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:08am

thanks for the advice. you guys are great.

it is so hard b/c a part of me feels like i am not just calling about the money. i am afraid that i will make it into some emotional discussion about why he never called me back. that is what is keeping me from trying to get the money i think.

i am going to try again to send him an email b/c i can control myself better that way. hopefully he will respond.

steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:30am

You have to say you are totally fine with him not calling back or wanting you - it is totally okay for him to be scared and still love his exw - no problem - he is entitled to his feelings. He got caught up with the moment when he said he loved you - and while that was nice at the time it is not the way it is now or what he wants now - he can change his mind - and you are over that - you understand. And after all, you should because you want someone who is stable and into you and reliable.

BUT you are not over the money.

If you need time to get over what he did emotionally then wait a bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 12:53am

Alison,


I think Judy had great advice about asking for a cash advance from a credit card.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:40pm

Take him to court. You can do it without an attorney. Check your local courthouse and find out how to do it in your county. It's embarrassing, but you should get your money back.