Don't understand the man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Don't understand the man
6
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 7:56pm

Ok, I know this posting is really long, but I have to explain the situation...

I have a question... I have an old friend that "found" me on the internet. It's been about 20 years since we have seen each other. So we start emailing, once in a while turns to everyday. He is on marriage #3 and is not happy. It's not what he expected, or turns out, what he wanted, so he says. He sends a nice little poem and his phone number. I respond and send my number, with an if you have time. He emails that night, and then calls the next day. We talk for 2 hours. He emails just after the call saying how much he enjoyed talking. He calls again the next day, and we talk for 1 1/2 hours. This goes on for a couple of weeks. I start getting more poems, and then, the emails end with "until next time, my dear". He says things like "you are so sexy on the phone", and "the more I talk to you, the more I want to talk to you". I know he is married, and I'm bothered by this, but he says he is looking for a change... Finally, I ask to see him... big mistake, the emails that were 5 & 6 paragraphs long are now barely a paragraph, and the phone calls are 10 minutes max. I ask on two separate occasions if he wants to cancel dinner, because he seems apprehensive. He tells me both times no. Friday comes, I make dinner, he shows up, and three hours later he leaves. When he got here, we hugged, I had wine, appetizers, dinner, dessert. Nothing fancy, nothing to romantic, just nice. Before he left, I said it seemed like things were going well over all, and he responded with "my job is really good, but that is the only thing in my life that works right now." I said if it were me, I would not be content to stay in a relationship that was making me so unhappy. He agreed, and said I was braver then he is. When he left, we hugged again. Now I'm an upfront person, so I send an email saying I had the wrong impression for the night. I thought he was in a place in his life where he was looking for a change. Obviously, I was wrong, and I looked forward to a continued friendship. I also told him I really hoped he found whatever it is he is looking for. I didn't get a response for two days, and then I got... "I guess we are in different
places. I still have a lot of issues to deal with before anything changes for me. I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression about me, if I did I apologize. I hope your weekend goes well and you have a good upcoming week as well. Thanks again for dinner, I appreciated it." What is that...??? How does one think that sending poems, ending with "my dear", saying you sexy on the phone, and wanting to talk more, each time talk, is sending anything other then one message.

If anyone can help me understand this, please, I'm begging, give me some insight. All I want to do right now is call and yell at him. But then of course I come off as crazy, and God help me, I still really want to see him... anyone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 8:19pm

Well...don't call him...b/c you will come off as crazy. Trust me, if you haven't read my post yet, my ex thinks I'm crazy...lol!

Sounds like this guy needed an ego boost and he got it from you. Maybe he got scared and maybe he does have issues. But, the fact remains that no matter what he says his marriage is like, he's still a married man. If he really wanted out of his marriage/relationship he would be out of it. I mean, this is his third one right, doesn't seem like he's any stranger to the whole divorce process.

Just drop him like a bad habit. Okay, so what if he did start seeing you and eventually left his wife? I personally would never trust the man. What someone does with you they will do to you. So, if he's going to cheat on his wife with you, then one day it's possible that he'd cheat on you with someone else.

Point blank, the man sounds like a loser - trust me - I've had my share of most of them! It's okay to be mad and hurt, but don't dwell on it for long. Chalk it up for better luck next time - and for someone that truly deserves you!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 10:46pm

The only thing you need to understand is the man is MARRIED and therefore NOT OPEN FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do not enter into another woman's territory, no matter what sob story he gives you about how "she doesn't understand me...". If he's so unhappy he would leave, but he's not- he's looking for a sucker who he can sleep with, while remaining happily married to a woman who gives him everything.

Walk away from this one.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 10:52pm
The first problem is he's married, the second problem is he's on marriage number 3, and you are worried why this three time loser and cheater won't see you in person? Count your blessings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 11:28pm

He was probably looking for an online or emotional affair, it doesn't sound to me like he was ever serious about ending his marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:53am

As the others have said - he is a married man. You should not have corresponded with him and invited him over to dinner. If I was you I would chalk it up to a lesson and not do that again. As Jennie said, you need to figure out why you are allowing yourself to be interested in someone who is married, never mind someone who has so many red flags.

I think you should take the time to educate yourself on what a healthy relationship is and how to get it. Maybe you should talk to a counselor or someone who can help you better your self esteem. Think about what you really want in someone and how to meet the right one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:00am
Run, run, run away from that man as fast as you can. He's a dead end!!!!