I'm Through With Them All
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| Sun, 09-25-2005 - 8:09pm |
Okay...I told him to give the cd to my friend, twice. He refused and wanted me to come get it, so I did. Nothing came of it, okay...
Last night I went out, didn't mean too, but had way too much to drink. Called him. Went over there. I told him that I didn't like him anymore, that he wasn't anything to me, and told him to stop emailing me, calling me, saying my name, etc. Yeah, probably very immature, but no use crying over spilt milk, right? I also explained that I was really just hurt for a while and just trying to give myself closure and saying all those things was the only way that I really could. We talked, we laughed a little, and I left on the note of telling him to leave me alone.
I woke this morning and felt like a moron. I emailed and told him I was sorry for being hateful and that I hope he could accept my apology - that I wouldn't bother him anymore. I mean I'm done now. Anyway, he emails me back and tells me that I'm a loser, he doesn't like me whatsoever...lol, and that basically I can go to hell. Well...why is it such a double standard. That he can drunk dial, try to see me whenever he wanted to, and I'm just supposed to be understanding and take it all. When I do it, stupid me by the way, I'm some stupid "girl."
To make matters worse, my ex husband has started stalking me again. He sat out in my driveway for hours this afternoon. He started taking pictures of my house, car, etc. He beat on my door and called my phone at least 20 times as well. He then went to my granny's house and screamed and yelled at her. He said that he hasn't seen our dd in 3 months, which is a lie. 3 months ago he was still living with me....he had her on her birthday 2 weeks ago, and many more times that I have documented. So that's a stress too, and I don't know what to do.
All I wish is that I could start my life over again (and still have my dd), but I know that's not possible. I just want everything to have been what it should have been...and it's not and it's not going be. I'm very depressed and I only seem to be making matters worse for myself. I tend to leap before I look, which is a huge character flaw...and maybe some immaturity. I don't want to be 25, a single divorced mother, and still be acting like such a fool.
I went to the doctor and got some meds for my depression which will hopefully help a little. I guess I just have to stive to be a better person each and every day and stop going after these complete losers who just want to use me up. I don't know why I allow it to happen, I just do....and from here on out it's going to be a whole lot different.
I think I feel bad though b/c not only does my ex husband hate me (why? he's the one that cheated me and beat me) but now my exbf hates me b/c of my stupid drunken moment. I just don't know why I care what they think about me...why should it matter.
I just needed to spill my guts....thanks for listening...
Kait

Kait,
You're just in a slump, you've had a lot happen in the last 3 months and you're just reeling still from all the let downs. Forget about the ex bf, he wanted you to "make a fool" of yourself so he could say to his friends, "see? see what she was like?" Some guys are like that, so just let that one go and don't contact him again- it's not worth it. You had your "final say" and it backfired, so don't beat yourself up about it, LEARN from it and do not repeat it in the future.
As far as your ex husband, his behaviour does concern me. Do you have a visitation schedule set by the court with him? I think it would be wise to document the events that happened and tell your lawyer, who may in turn want to tell his lawyer not to treat you or your family in such manner or you will file a restraining order on him and he will not be able to have unsupervised visitation with your dd. The more you document his behaviour, the better off you'll be to prove your side of events.
Do not take these things lightly, some people snap and do things they would not normally do when they can't get their way! Look at the news to get the idea: kidnapped children or murdered gf/ wives. So do not think, "oh he'd never do that...", the man used to BEAT you, so you KNOW he's capable of violence!
I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself right now is take a break and just be all about you and your dd. Take the time to connect with her, you're a new team now the two of you and you have to learn the new routine of your life. Get yourself settled in to your new life as a single mom and learn to really appreciate it- you have no one to answer to, you can make all the decisions, and you can spoil yourselves silly if you want having girl's nights eating ice cream and doing your toenails. When I broke up with ds' dad, I was really lonely and longing for male companionship, but after a few dates I realized that I felt all over the place and needed to feel grounded. So I took some time to connect and just get used to the new routine, and got some peace for the first time in years.
It will take time, and I'm glad you got some help from your doctor. Any chance you could see a therapist? You need to get closure on your marriage and this recent relationship so you can heal and move forward. I know it's easy to just write off all guys, since you're upset, but not all guys are bad- you just need to be in a better place to see that.
Alison
I think you are in a great place.
I think you are just in a bad spot in life right now and this stress is not bringing out the best in you or your decisions.
You did what you had to do to get over your exbf. Now be done. Don't be reactive - just ignore and forget about it. Get done with your divorce and as Alison said, take time to get you and your kids on a smooth new single mom schedule. Take time to really get over the failed marriage and set goals for your future that do not include a man. If you do all of this on your own you are going to make better decisions and have a better life in the future.
I think your ex is freaking out on his fears of losing dd from the divorce. You should do what you can to get a restraining order on him and to finish things quickly and have visitation working well. I would not take his behavior lightly, especially since he has a history of domestic violence. You should definitely report this to the police.
I wish you the best right now - keep us posted on your progress.
Hugs Kait!!!
At least you were mature enough to say you were sorry for the drunken moment...i dont recall you saying that he was sorry when he drunk dialed.
Whats done is done, you can't go back. Just learn from it. Its so hard to NOT give in when your drinking. That "lonely i want to tell you what i really think of you" feeling takes over and you end up acting like a complete idiot.
Forgive yourself and move on.....
I'm trying to forgive myself...but that's easier said than done.
I'm just at rock bottom right now I guess. I hardly ever drink, so when I do I just can't seem to handle it and I end up looking like an idiot! But in the grand scheme of things, this guy is really not important to me. The truth is that I don't like being blown off, especially by someone who isn't worth it. At least I had my say, regardless if it was the right thing or the mature thing to do. All I can do now is move on and try to be a better person.
I just can't help but feel guilty though. I don't want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings or make them feel bad, which I did. I was just angry and wanted him to feel as bad as he had made me feel for some reason. Oh well...I just ended up looking stupid, and now he can go off and tell everyone that I'm crazy...lol!
I'm more shaken up about my ex husband starting to act crazy again. I hate drama in my life and it just seems to be around every corner. Maybe I put it there, I don't know, at least I don't think I intentionally try to put it in my life.
But I just want to say thanks to everyone for listening and putting up with all my ranting and raving and just plain ole being sad/upset these days! It's just nice to know that there is a place that I can vent and get advice without being looked down upon.
Thanks again you all,
Kait