Going 2 the Wedding With Him....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Going 2 the Wedding With Him....
10
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:17pm

Sooooo yesterday I had a major fight with my sister who is living with me along with her 2 bad ass kids and her low-life boyfriend. They got evicted from their apartment in NY and had no where to go so they moved down south with me in my 2 bedroom. Things have been hectic, because me and her are so much different. Well we got into this huge fight because she isn't clean and I can't stand how she treats her children in my home, so I had to leave & vent but had no where to go. Ashame I had to run away from my own home for some sort of peace.

I went to my sons fathers house. *sigh*

I asked him if I could talk to him, I had alot on my mind. He must've assumed it had something to do with our "relationship" so he said he was going to smoke a cigarette. He was happy to see the kids (its been 2 weeks since he's seen them or me). I told him about the confrontation I had with my sister. He listened and gave me some advice all the while checkin me out. Me and him have been best friends and thats exactly what it felt like when I was talking to him. I felt so comfortable to talk to him about anything other than our "relationship." We talked about the kids, his job my job & money.

Thats when he asked me if I could keep an eye on the kids Saturday while he goes to his cousins wedding. I reminded him how I RSVP'd 2 people and I wanted to go. He said "i have no problem with that, but can you handle it." I played dumb and said: "what do you mean?? if you can handle it so can I." He goes: "i just dont want you to act all crazy and start breaking down and stuff." I played it cool and told him I could handle it and that I was going. He said fine. Im sure the reason why he asked was because we were engaged & started to plan a wedding but cancelled it because of alot of problems. I still have my $700 wedding dress I have to sell on Ebay. $4k was wasted.

"Kill him with kindness." "Play the role, act like the breakup doesn't bother you."

People keep telling me this and this is what I've decided to go along with instead of being a Bitch. There is a time and a place for me to be that Bitch...I dont think I have to be right now unless he does something for me to turn ugly. I've taken the advice of you girls along with others that I CANNOT SLEEP WITH HIM. Im feeling real good about that right now!! I have no urges!! Because the feeling I get after I do sleep with him is one I just cannot bear...I feel like crap. So I dont want to do it. I will not bring up the relationship unless he brings it up.

He filled my car up with gas yesterday and took off work today to watch his son since the daycare bill is behind and they wont let my son come back without a payment. He didnt have to do that, but he did. I think out of all the things to come this fall/winter with this "seperation/breakup" me going to this wedding with him is a HUGE STEP 4 me. It will tell me alot about myself, how strong I am. I know he's seeing other women & im not going to act like it doesn't bother me...I just have to ignore it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:39pm

Okay, what are the real reasons behind you actually wanting to go to this wedding with him? In my opinion, you're just setting yourself up for more heartache. It's one thing to go over there and talk to him, but it's completely different to go "out" with him. I think that maybe, deep down, you're wanting this whole wedding thing to trigger something in him, you know what I mean? I don't know, maybe I'm off the mark here, but I think that it's in your best interest to not go with him. Maybe by not going and not spending time with him will actually show you how strong you are. It seems like he's moving on with things and you're still stuck in some kind of limbo. I completely understand that though. I mean, I want to call my ex and talk to him about my day and his day, etc. But what will that really accomplish? It's just a way for me to hold on to something that is no longer there. So why do you want to put yourself through this over and over again? Okay, so you needed someone to vent to....vent here not to and with him. You are allowing this person to have a hold over you, and he's just not worth it.

Good for you though for not having sex with him....it does make a difference in how you feel about yourself in the long run, doesn't it?

But, I would just steer clear of him for a while and not go to any wedding with him...but that's just me. --- And it's easier said than done! I know exactly how you're feeling!

Hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 12:54pm

One thing about separating your life from him is you really need to draw clear boundaries.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:13pm

Your right in some ways Kait!!

The real reason I want to go is because I love weddings & I want to test myself and Im also hoping it does trigger something in him - IM NOT EXPECTING IT too though. Im sure during the ceremony he's not gonna say "this should've been us if you didnt screw up" - thats not him. He'd be expecting for me to say that to him and to bring our relationship up during the wedding and I WILL NOT. I dont beleive in the "if we can't be lovers we can't be friends". We were friends before we got serious and before I had his child...there is no reason why we can't set aside our differences and be on "cool" status now.

I think I've done a pretty good job so far without contacting him for 2 weeks & not seeing him. Of course I wanted to call him last week and see him everyday to talk to him BUT I DIDNT. I remained STRONG. Seems the longer I stay away, the better he treats me. "Hmmmmm I wonder why she hasn't come by or called me?" - a male friend of mine told me this is how they think. They dont want to be bothered, you have to give them their space and leave them the hell alone. Me coming around and calling him was doing me no good, I was putting myself through misery for no real reason.

My internet access is off at home right now, beleive me I would've came online last night to vent if it was. But I felt good going over there and then coming home with no hard feelings. Its making me feel good to know I can be around him without him running all over me with disrespect. Im in control....and more so me going to this wedding will show me that I am not weak, that I am strong. Right after its over, I am going home. He'll want me to stay but won't say it, he'll expect for me to be all over him, break down and cry and ask him to stay. When Im not like that, he wonders. I've been with him long enough to know how he works....if you remember my previous posts - its like we are in competition with one another to see who is better, the boyfriend or the girlfriend. Its sick I know lol....so whoever gives in first loses & deserves the "crappy" treatment (which I have been getting)

Im gonna go to this wedding with him but not with "him" you know what I mean?? If women really try hard enough, our emotions can be seperated from our worst fears - this is one for me - spending time with him. Seperate your emotions.

Thanks for the advice & opinions as always!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:27pm

Thanks Jennie!!

You said:
"Going to the wedding does the same thing, makes you or others feel like there is a connection still there between you two, and it's the opposite direction you should be going in if you are serious about not being with him."

Others WANT & KNOW we should be together, its just a rough time for him. His brothers & mother told him to forgive me & to take all the time he needed, but he's stubborn he thinks everyone is wrong but him. He doesn't want to be with me right now. He tells people we are "seperated". We aren't married and never have been, so why is he telling people we are "seperated"??? I am serious about being with him and he knows it. The direction I am taking is to get my self-esteem back and to become that strong woman again. Maybe im seeing what I want to see, because I just dont see how me going to this wedding with him is going to hurt the direction I am going in which right now is pretty good!!! I feel so confident that I can get through this!!

As for my sister she's been living with me since mid August. She just got a job 2 weeks ago and its a temp to perm position. Her man isn't working right now, he's too picky with jobs although he has a BA in Criminal Justice he thinks working Security for $15 an hour is below his level. She is going to start paying me rent next month and she's mentioned wanting to move sooner because she doens't like my rules (dont touch AC get some fresh air in the house, dont walk around the house in just your panties there are kids present, 3 bags of garbage when i come home from work but no one can dump it but me when i walk through the door, dishes in the sink that can be put in the dishwasher but yet i have to do it when i come home, her cursing at her kids) there is so much more.....

Im doing her a favor, and I love her very much but she is adding to stress I already have due to my financial & romantic situations.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 4:07pm

Okay, so you say you can separate your emotions, etc. I just know that I can't. I was in a similar situation in June. I have been divorced from my exhusband since March of this year. In May, for some reason, I let him move back in with me. We tried to be a couple again, but he continued his abusive ways and cheating on me, etc. Anyway, I went to a wedding with him in June. I NEVER cry at weddings - didn't even cry at mine! The whole time these people (that I didn't know) were saying their vows, I was bawling like a baby. All I could think about was how happy I had been on my wedding day; how many hopes and dreams I had and how "our" lives were going to be. I just wanted that with him so badly that I couldn't keep my emotions separated. I thought I was going to be strong too...b/c even though he was staying with me, I still felt that I had to be somewhat aloof, you know.

I think Jennie is right. You really do need to distance yourself from this guy...but you're only human and you're going to do what you want and need to do. You just remind me so much of myself right now! I guess I'm kinda telling you what I'd tell myself (but in the end I usually doing the opposite of what I should...lol - I learn the hard way - always)!

So, I guess you're going to go anyways - so, look good, act cool, and LEAVE right afterward! But once again, I wouldn't go - but you are your own person!

Keep us posted! Lots of Hugs and Lots of Luck!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 4:43pm

Now Im having second thoughts :(

I went to a wedding last year with him when we were 'seperated' but living together (what a joke) and I cried when she walked down the aisle. Thats about it...

There is more pressure on my plate.

If I dont go then I'll have to watch the kids while he goes. Which is gonna irritate me even more because its his weekend with them and I'd be doing him a favor just like I did 2 weeks ago when his mom had a stroke I had to watch them. If we both go my sister will watch them.

*sigh*

I have a feeling he's going to tell me that he doesn't want me to go on Saturday because he's afraid of his own feelings, and with that I'll say "okay - have fun."

My friends have schooled me on what to do and what not to do. So I think I can handle it, im nervous though.

I'll post what happened on Monday!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 3:52pm

I would vote for you to do something really fun with the kids and not go to the wedding. I think this is way too volatile a situation and the wedding would really bum you out and set you back.

Your statement, "The real reason I want to go is because I love weddings & I want to test myself and Im also hoping it does trigger something in him - IM NOT EXPECTING IT too though." shows you are not ready for this.

It sounds like you know what is right and you are struggling to cope with it. I do wish you the best - these things are never easy.

Keep us posted!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:37am

UPDATE!!!

I didnt go to the wedding. Im glad I didnt. My sister couldn't watch the kids for me so I didnt go. I wanted to but then after it was all said and done Im glad I stayed home.

I found out more evidence of how cruddy my ex is when it comes to his escapades with women. He told some random chick online that if he didnt have his son and a wedding to go to this weekend, they could "hook up". More vulgar statements were made about what was going to happen had he not had plans this weekend, and it just made me so mad I couldn't even cry. I just laughed.

I couldn't even stay mad because it was just like...oh well. He thinks he's justified for acting like a complete fool now that we are broken up. I told him "you dont know who these girls are your talking to online...they can steal pictures and make anything up." Thats when I blasted him with info I knew about the girl and 2 other girls he was talking too...he wanted to play it off like he didnt know what I was talking about. When I said their names he didnt even know what to say HE WAS IN SHOCK, like "how does she know this". Thats when I left....

I keep up with what he's doing, it gives me more ammo of why I dont want to be with him.

Okay so I lied about my infidelity a year ago to keep our family together. GET OVER IT!! you slept with a woman 2 weeks after we broke up and introduce her to our children!!!

we both hurt each other....what he's doing now is NOT helping him, its hurting him in the long run. I care for him as a friend first and foremost so thats why I wonder why in the blue hell he is randomly having phone sex with chicks online and spending his money on girls he has no intention of being with?

One thing he did say was what makes this breakup really hard is because he has no definite answer as to if we are going to be together in the future or if its really over.

Right now Im doing GREAT!! Got a phone call for a new job offer this morning...bills are caught up, my sister is now paying me rent (gives me more money in my pocket) and I feel very strong & secure with myself.

Im doing what I can to keep that feeling alive!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:21pm

Well...first of all, I'm glad you didn't go to the wedding with him.

Okay...so what's the deal? It's very apparent that you still have feelings for this guy, and that's okay. But do you actually realize that he's not worth it and he's actually stringing you along in some ways. By not giving you a definite answer to if he actually wants to be with you should be answer enough! Either he doesn't want to or he's just keeping you there on the back burner in case nothing else comes along that may catch his eye.

Plus, you may see keeping up with what he's doing gives you more ammo and makes you realize how much you don't want to be with him, but everything else you're saying and doing contridicts that. I think that maybe you're keeping up with him b/c it's the only way you can stay in his life at this point or have some kind of knowledge of what he's doing. If you know what he's doing and who he's doing it with - and you're intentionally seeking this information out - then you're not letting go of him. You need to move past him and move on with you're life.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but my goodness girl, this guy just isn't worth your time. Both of you have made mistakes - okay, hasn't everyone. However, I think that you should focus on what's more important, and that's your children. Let this loser be. If he wants to go out and act retarded, then let him, it has no reflection on you. Just know that you're out there doing the best you can with the circumstances you've been dealt. And know that when you do indeed let this loser out of your life, you're opening the door for a real man who will treat you right come in.

Lots of Hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:41pm

My gosh!!! Thanks Kait!!

You are totally right!!

The last 2 paragraphs of your post were on point.

*sigh*

Im a walking contradiction sometime, thats what being in love with someone does to you. It blocks your correct way of thinking.

Thanks for reminding me of what a loser he is!!!

I need that from time to time.

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