Older Woman, Younger Men

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Older Woman, Younger Men
19
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 7:24am
About 2-1/2 months ago met a great man at the airport while taking my daughter to Vegas for her 21st birthday - turned out he lived in my town. Anyway, long story short, we started dating about a week after trip to Vegas and all seems to be going well. He's 9-1/2 years younger than me, has no kids and has never been married. He and I get along great and relationship is a good one. Sex is okay... not great but I'm okay with that. The personality differences are there but definitely not a big deal at all. My biggest problem with the relationship is getting used to the age difference on my end. He has absolutely no problem with it. Has anyone on the boards here experienced this?? This is my first relationship with a younger man and I am crazy about him. Any suggestions appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 12:00pm
My last boyfriend was six years younger, there were lots of problems. It had to do more with his maturity level than his years. My ex-husband is 10 years older and there were problems there too because of his lack of maturity also. What I've learned is that it's not his age, it's where he is at mentally, emotionally;etc. The questions to ask yourself are: Are we intellectually in sync ? Do we see the world through the same set of eyes ?
Is he loving, supportive, genuinely interested in what's important to you ? Does he put you first ? So don't get hung up on the age difference, put that aside and look at him from a maturity standpoint instead. Good, quality men are hard to find, so If he meets your standards, go for it !
Best of luck.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:31pm

My never been married, forever bachelor brother, dates women who are 10 years older than him. He does this because he does not want to get married. He does not want to have children. He does not want to deal with women his own age because they either already have young kids or they want to get married and have kids. However, he's passionate about whoever he dates.

I'm curious to know why the sex is just "okay". Sometimes (i know, not always) mediocre sex is a sign that things aren't so great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 5:06pm

I don't see any thing wrong with an age gap - after all - there are many who are doing that - not only in "stardom" but in real life, too - I see it more commonly.

I think fivesense brings up something to look out for - and you can get that from his history - is there a reason he picks older woman?

Anyway, you just have to go slow and see if he is the right person for you. I think the only real issue with a younger man/older woman is having children - are you able and willing to have more? That is kind of looking long term but it makes sense to think about it.

If the sex is not good that is not good - you will have to work on that - there are boards here that can help you very well. Not that we don't want to help - but you will probably get great ideas from reading them.

Just make sure he is into you and that you both want the same things out of a relationship and life. Make sure he is okay with your kids when the time is right.

Enjoy and keep us posted!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:33am
Thank you for your responses and your input.... much appreciated! My guy picks older women for the simple reason they are more mature, less drama and professionally established. As for the sex which can be mediocre at times, the simple reason is that he is not really imaginative at all and it's up to me to be imaginative. When I take control on imagination the sex is better but I have to be a bit careful about that simply because I don't want to insult him and you know how men are about their fragile egos!! I don't think he has complaints at all and we get along great. My daughter is 21 years old and a senior in college so no more kids for me. I took a huge risk going into this for the simple reason he would like to have kids someday. However, he's not the type of man women run to - very conservative type of man at best but I find him incredibly adorable and sexy. My daughter is the one who saw him at the airport first so if it wasn't was her, I probably wouldn't even be involved with him... too funny!! I am taking this whole thing one day at a time and in this deeper than I wanted to be - I know I am falling in love with him but have no intention of telling him unless he tells me first. For now, I will live for the moment and just enjoy. Thanks for your replies - you girls are teriffic!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 2:45am

You GO girl!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:32pm
I am having fun with it. Spent a great weekend together despite the horrible weather in the northeast this weekend. No one is questioning the age difference except me.... pretty stupid huh?? Not planning on marriage anytime soon or in the distant future either so no pressure from me!!! Sex could be better though.... whatever!!! Enjoying while it lasts!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 5:09pm

You've gotten good advice so far. I just wanted to add something.

I can relate to what you are saying about the age difference bothering only you. That's ok. Age bothers me too. I NEVER dated a man younger than myself. I've been to lunch with this guy whose 36; I'm on E-Harmony and they send me matches that are 35 years old -- I'll be 40 next month. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does, but maybe cuz I'm not used to dating younger guys. I have to try to remind myself that age is just a number, and like everyone else said, maturity is more important than age.

As far as sex just being ok, I'd be careful about that. I was married for 10 years to a man who didn't want sex very much and when he did, it wasn't very good. I didn't know what I was missing until I got divorced and met other men. See if you can suggest some things (like you said -- in a delicate way to not hurt his ego). See if that helps. Just don't sell yourself short and make sure your needs are being met. I know I could never go back to a sexual relationship like I had when I was married.

Good luck.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 6:26pm

You know what, Donna? I used to have a real stigma with being older. That is, until this absolute dingbat 16 year old babysitter came to work for me (she lasted one week). Then I realized the total and huge advantage to being an older woman.

I have more goals in life than my hair. I don't giggle annoyingly on the phone and speak nonsense babble and make crass rude remarks to make me feel big. I know how to handle a MAN - I understand him and appreciate him. I can carry on an intelligent conversation. I have manners, wisdom and patience. And my wrinkles add character.

One of my friends is 45 and watching her is inspiring - she gets more beautiful every year. She has grace and beauty and a forever smile. She has taken good care of herself and her looks - has nice white teeth, naturally colored hair. Is very fit. Wears stylish clothes that look good on her.

The man who is looking for a quality woman can be any age. And if you are a little older and have a quality mind, wisdom and a positive attitude and you keep in shape - you are a winner and he will like you, even if he is younger!!

Personally I know I would be okay with a younger man. I want energy and fun. Of course that can come with an older man, too. So I am keeping an open mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:35pm
Hi Donna
Yes it does bother me at times simply because this is a first for me. So far the relationship is a decent one with a few kinks as usual - that seems to be for everyone as no one is perfect. He is mature but a laid back personality that could drive me a little nuts but so considerate. Do I see him for the long term - right now I don't. I am more or less planning on continuing to enjoy this while it lasts. He started off very romantic and a bit less now - more of the comfort factor I would say. But sex never started off so great and figured it would get better. Some days it's not terrible and some days forget it.... no imagination. I do try to suggest things and give hints in a delicate way - sometimes it works but more so it doesn't. Since I'm not planning on getting married again (done that twice!) I don't see this as all of a big deal for now but you never know what happens down the road and changes. He loves what I do to him though!!! I don't sell myself short - I have no fantasies in my head but decent men are very hard to find these days and overall he is a high quality man so I'll just have to take it a day at a time.
Thanks again.
Meesh
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 1:17pm

Meesh:

I just wanted to say that I think you have the situation well under control. You know what you want and what you don't want, and you seem very smart and stable. By all means, ride this train until it crashes, and have fun doing so. Although some women want a LTR, some don't, and that's ok too. AS long as you get what you want out of the deal, that's fabulous. Good luck.

Donna

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