I Finally Exploded & Im Not Sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
I Finally Exploded & Im Not Sorry
9
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:07pm

Hey girls...

Its been a while. I've been writing journals at home on my computer to keep me sane since my internet is still off at home.

All the guilt, pain & anger that the ex is making me feel because of the breakup I thought I was strong enough to just hold it in and kill him with kindness and remain civil to him for the sake of the children. Have a smile on my face and play it off like what he was doing wasn't affecting me. It just doesn't seem to work because I am truly hurt and devestated. After all I've done and after all he's done I find him no better than me in this whole situation. It took 2 to make this relationship crumble, and I hate to be made and treated like Im the bad person in all of this. Im still disrespected & dismissed like Im a nobody.

Friday night I got a lil drunk and did the drunk dialing thing because I was more angry than sad. I told him I was coming over since he hung up on me twice before I even got to finish what I was about to say. A scorned heart makes you do some sick & twisted shyt. I had every intention of fighting him. Physically beating him up. I wanted to make him feel like crap the same way he was making me feel like crap throughout the relationship. So the fool made the mistake of letting me in and then not answering my questions.

To make a long story short I basically let it all go. I finally exploded and told him how I really felt. This was NOT another 'get on your knees and beg for him back' moment. I've done that 3 times already before and Im ashamed that I was that desperate to do such a thing. I know for a fact it gave him the power to treat me like shyt this whole time. This man isn't one in a million, why did I treat him like he was?? He sure didnt treat me like that!! He thinks because he pays $500 a month and see's his kids every other weekend he's a REAL MAN. HA!! Being a father is a lot more than just paying child support. That night after I screamed and rambled in his face about the audacity he had to introduce another woman he was screwing to our kids in just a matter of 2 weeks, I spit in his face & he came at me like he was gonna hit me. I didnt flinch & I was not scared like all the other times, I was ready to fight him. Now he knew what it felt like to be disrespected and demeaned. Then I mushed him in the face and he finally called the cops. He didnt press charges & the cops asked me what did I want done, and I said nothing - I did what I came here to do already. We'll probably have to go to court anyway, but he wont see me there.

The reason I exploded is because I try to be something I am not - Strong. I try very hard to find ways on how to build up that wall that was once so high and stabled when it comes to love & relationships. 2 men in my life tore it down and I have both their children. The only reason I got over my daughters father so quick (1 year if u call that quick) was because he deserted us. I never saw him again until a year after she was born and then 3 years after that. When a man goes disappearing from your life it is so easy to forget him and move on. But as many of you know, my sons father lives 5 minutes from me. My daughters babysitter lives right behind his house!! Every morning when I drop her off I glance at a house I use to live in for 3 years with him. I just want him to disappear like the first man did. Just leave us!!! If that what it takes for me to get over this pain, then so be it. I really dont want it like that, but I just wish there was an easier way to get over him. I've asked my sister to be the arbitrator in all of this - meaning, she'll drop the kids off on his weekends and she'll pick them up. I dont want him coming over to my house, and I dont want to go over to his house unless its an absolute emergency for the kids, especially after what happened this past weekend. I want to go the rest of this year without seeing his face. Im not emotionally & mentally stabled for this break up. Who was I fooling to think that I was. I want to go to counseling again. It always helped for me to talk out my problems to someone and make me feel "okay". I have those days where I just look at my son and cry and my daughter comes over and says "mommy you'll be okay" and I just hug her and cry. Your not suppose to let your children see it, and I try not to...but she just catches me at the worse moments.

I dont feel like dating. I just go out with male friends once in a while. They all tell me he's a fool and he'll come around but Im not getting my hopes up for anything. The only way I can get my strength back is to have no contact with him. He called me last night and I refuse to answer his phone calls. He didnt leave a message, so I texted him and said "u called, what do you want?" he wrote back and said he wanted to talk to the kids if they weren't sleep yet. Its about damn time.... So I had my daughter call him and he spoke to both the kids for about 10 minutes. It was even hard just hearing his voice, because I know he misses those kids. But this situation could be resolved so easily if we both went to counseling & applied God in our lives - neither of which have been the 4 years we've known each other. It caused alot of problems. If he wanted to make it work it could have worked - just like now. There is nothing more I can do.

Im just venting. Im sure you all will agree that I need to stay away from him because he damn sure is staying away from me. I guess its back to emails/text messages unless its an emergency when it comes to the kids. What a shame......

*sigh*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:19pm

Sometimes it's good to just get everything off your chest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:38pm

Thanks Jennie!!

I definetly needed to get everything off of my chest.

Something else I need some insight on is this. I had to rush and find a new sitter for my son since the daycare center he was at told me he couldn't come back until the balance was caught up. I found someone and he started today but I needed $25 for the registration fee. I didnt have it. After the events that just happened this weekend and me being angry & not giving a damn, I withdrew the money from his account without asking. I DID NOT CARE. Im in this financial situation because of him and he doesn't even know about his sons daycare. If I asked him for the $25 after the events that just took place on Friday, I know he wouldve told me no because he is just that mean. It doesn't matter that I needed it for his sons new school, he doesn't care, he is very selfish and doesn't want to give into anything I ask. So I said WHY SHOULD I CARE. He hacked into my email account and wrote my friends nasty messages about me and changed my profile saying "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife". Thats exactly what went through my mind when I took the money out. And when I asked him for the password to get into my email account he said "i dont know what your talking about."

When we were together he put my name on both his accounts so I withdrew the money this morning so I could pay the babysitter, and after work when I get home I'll put it right back in when my sister pays me rent. That was the whole plan. I was hoping that he wouldn't catch that I took it out - but he did and he called me. I didnt answer and he left this bitter message "i know you took money out of my account without my permission, and if you dont have it back into my account by tonight, i am coming to get the keys to the car and you'll have nothing to drive. and if you dont take your name off my account by next week im going to report the car stolen. im not playing games with you, im serious as a heart attack." Booooo hooooooo The car is in his name but I make the payments. This is another example of this man being "selfish" and only caring about himself. He'd take a car away from me knowing it transports me & the kids around. He dont care...he thinks he's been wronged in the worst way. Im just doing what I can to survive for the children no matter what the cost!! So I took the money, it was for your sons new school because you wouldn't help me with a past due balance at his old school so he couldn't come back. If we aren't freinds, how in the hell can we compromise and ask each other for help when it comes to the children???

How do you think I showed him I am strong even though I dont feel that way???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 2:52pm
Well it's good thing you got it all out. I hope you don't suffer any reprocusions from that. I think having someone else pick kids up is a good idea also. The bottom line is that you are in a lot of pain and you keep tormenting and torturing yourself. When you do a little healing, like a band aid on a fresh wound you keep pulling it off and opening it up again. Stay away from the alcohol, it's a depressent, it will only drag you down and not solve anything for you.If you have any left in the house throw it down the sink, and permanently stay away from it. You deffinately need a good therapist, It will make a world of difference. Healing takes time and lots of patience, but you must be committed to it. It won't be easy, and you may never get over your ex, but as hard as it is, you must let go and begin the grieving process for your failed relationship. Hanging on to the "only if's", is hurting you worse and delaying your healing. We have all been there, believe me I've been divorced 9 years, and it still hurts. Not because of my ex (way over him), but because I took so much abuse and bad treatment from him. I will always hurt when I think of why I put myself through that. One day you may ask yourself the same.
What helped me was finding a good therapist and making a real committment to myself. Very hard because my nature was always to put everyone else first and myself last.The bottom line was if I wasn't emotionally stable, then my kids wouldn't thrive and grow. Your kids deserve the very best from you, and although you may think you don't have it in you, trust me you do, you're so much stronger than you think. Don't fall into the trap of seeing your whole future and being overwhelmed, rather take it one day and one step at a time. I used to keep an "agony journal" to write in everyday (very healing) I could just let it all out there. I recently dug it out of my closet, read it and burned it. It was such an emotional experience, because I was so amazed at how far I had come. I didn't think at the time it was possible, but with faith all healing is possible.
I will keep you in my prayers.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 3:54pm

Oh dear! It is good you got that off your chest. And the others had good things to say.

BUT.....You have to look forward and move on so you can get over this and pick up the pieces for the kids sake. YES - it does FEEL good to explode - you certainly had a lot of emotion and anger bottled up. BUT you have to look at the outcome of the explosion - and that does not do anything except get everyone really rattled up. Anger begets anger.

I do urge you to avoid any unnecessary contact with him. In time you will heal and you will be able to be civil. I also urge you not to sever the bond he has with the kids. They need that and will thrive from it. What if something happens to you? He does have a necessary purpose as a father in their lives.

You also have to live by the golden rule. It is wrong for you to take money without asking him. It is good that you plan to take it back - but you should not do that again. Are you receiving child support on a timely basis? If not then you should do all you can to pursue that.

A simplistic example for you and dealing with your emotions comes to mind: You go to the airport and there is a HUGE line - you are tired, late. The tellers are moving very slow. You want to SCREAM - because that feels good - however, it does not do anything to help the line move faster - it will only slow things down and make the clerk want to put your suitcase on a flight to Hong Kong - do you see what I mean?

Sometimes in life we have to realize that we cannot control the actions of others no matter how much they frustrate us. We can only control ourselves. And sometime, seemingly painful, inconvenient happenings turn out to have very good endings in our lives - we just need time and perspective to see them that way.

I think you have to understand that you and him were not meant to be. You both did the best you could but did not bring out the best in each other. It is time to move on. HOpefully you can heal so you can be the best you can - not only for your kids but for you, too. Hopefully you can become a better person so you can handle your emotions and communicate effectively. And you can attract a better mate that brings out the best in you and you in him.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. I just don't want to see you get yourself into trouble. I am hoping you can find a way to avoid him and allow things to simmer down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:14pm

*sigh*

Thanks Judy. Your never harsh with your advice, but if you feel you need to be because you find me to be stubborn, then do so lol!

I guess once again Im trying to get back at him for all the things he's done to me. He does what he wants with no regard to how its going to make me feel, so me taking that money was similiar to what he's done to me - he didnt care.

Yes I do plan to stay away. He has brought the worse out of me and I HATE IT. I've lost my self-esteem, my self-worth and my pride. Look what he's done to me :(

F**k me for not leaving his ass last year when he hit me & cancelled the wedding.

Pray 4 me.




Edited 10/12/2005 4:59 pm ET by qpidssista
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:32pm

You can never get him back. Because he will keep doing things to irritate you - and he knows this.

I think that you will find in time that it will get easier and the more you can control yourself and let it roll off your back the stronger you will become.

I know this from dealing with my ex for the past 5 years. I pick and choose my battles with him. Some stuff it is important for me to make a stand and some stuff just has to be overlooked. I always try to put my son first and look at the exh as though it is ds's dad, not my exh.

It is certainly not easy. But now I feel like I have more control. If there is something important, yet potentially troublesome, I usually try to wait a day or two to bring it up. And I ALWAYS try to make it solution-based. For example, he travels all the time and thinks he can have his way with the schedule. While I do like to get a break and it is good for DS to spend time with him, he has to respect my time, too.

What I want to say is something to the effect of: "You need to be more considerate and realize the whole world doesn't revolve around you and that since I am doing more than my fair share I should have some say in the schedule and you should give me your travel dates in advance....."

But what I do say is "Now that DS is older and we have a lot more people involved in his life, it will all go smoother for him if you get me your travel schedule as soon as you can."

I try to overlook small things that annoy the heck out of me yet do not really affect DS that much. One example is when he pushes his way in my house when I am not here and the babysitters are here. He caught them off guard. But he was very nosey and looking around. He would not do that if I was here. I wanted to call him up and blast him into next week. But I let it go. I took it as a compliment that he would want to see what I am doing. (He was always trying to compete with me when we were married) and that I could care less what his house looks like. It doesn't matter to DS if he comes in here or not - usually he does not because I don't allow it.

I hope these examples help. I think you should avoid him until you simmer down and then find a way to communicate what you need for the kids and that is it. You should also do what you can to ensure he and the kids have good quality time - that is good for everyone and good for the long term.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:51pm

You are the only one that can stop him from bringing out the worst in you from now on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:59pm

Hugs~~~ for you pain

I understand...

Want you to realize you are better off than you think and it can always be worse. My ex also left me and our twin boys and immediatley moved in with another woman - not down the street but 200 miles away.
In 4 years I have received $16.24 cents in child support TOTAL. He fought me for custody and the divorce took 2 1/2 years of my life it was pure hell...he also quit paying on a truck loan he took out where 634.00 was taken from my paycheck every month in garnishment because I was the wife (I never drove the truck - but ended up paying 22,000 for it). Well thank god I won custody and I also won 100% equity in the house - it was hard but I had to sell our home in order to get the equity to pay off all the debt that was left to me and the boys and we had to start over from zero. That was almost 3 years ago...

Just 2 months ago the ex has another baby and also has lost his license to non-pay of child support. When visitation comes around he calls and screams at me that I should bring his kids to him - 200 miles away! I try and remain calm (and its DAMN tough) and tell him its his responsibility to get to his kids. He is so warped that he thinks I still should make the drive and turns the kids against me by telling them that mommy wont drive them to him. OH how I have wished death upon this man for his abandonment and disregard and cruelty!
What I realized is that if I get angry I am showing him I care...and I REFUSE to waste one minute of emotion or strength or energy on that man. He took too much...I wont let him take that. Its energy I should be taking to put into myself and my children. Oh I struggle financially I live BARELY paycheck to paycheck but I do it. No child support nothing.
You know what? I didnt think I could do it when it first ended ... and HERE I AM! Doing pretty fabulous actually!

Hun - another saving grace was therapy for me. So find a therapist or go to a divorce group at a local church, post on the surviving divorce board - all those are good things to do---to get it out, but do not do this all the time- you need that time to vent and then you need the time to focus on goals for you and your kids for the future.

Your hurt WILL lessen - it may take awhile for it to disappear but it will lessen

Hugs to you - you are special! You are a mom and you have 2 kids who think that you are the greatest woman alive. Feed on their hope for you - just look in their eyes and you will find the strength

Love to you

MaryBeth




Edited 10/13/2005 10:07 am ET by mbfun
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 7:30pm
MB, your story is very inspirational for all of us - you are SO SO SO right that it can always be worse. I am so glad you shared!! I admire your strength.
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