Dating a younger guy and need some advic

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Registered: 08-28-2006
Dating a younger guy and need some advic
8
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:52pm

***Update on this posted in later post**
I am the single mom of a soon to be 4 year old little boy. I am 32 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been friends since may and became romatically involved with eachother a little over a month ago. I fought it forever mainly because I felt we had very different lifestyles. He lives with roommates and likes to go out to the bars on the weekend and often on Thursday nights....I don't. Going out every once and while is okay but I'm over the whole scene in general. After much convincing that things would be different and getting closer things happened naturally and I'm crazy about him and he is crazy about me...however he's still into the bar scene and has friends who are couples who like to do it every weekend.

On a positive note. He treats me wonderfully and he sincerely cares about me and my feelings and everything in my life. I limit my son's exposure to him as much as I can but he knows him as my friend since that is how we met in the first place and so he is around him sometimes. Our weekends lately have gone like this....he comes over frequently during the week at night after my son has gone to bed. We talk or watch a movie and then he leaves at midnight and I wake up exhausted. Then Friday night we spend together, Saturday day he spends with his friends and Saturday night we are with his friends together then Sunday he watches football games at the bars with his buddies all day and wants to see me at night. This Saturday night (last night) he would have gone to the bars to watch a football game if he had any money ( I had no plans on going) but instead he had everyone over his house to grill out and watch game and I brought my son. So what is my problem?

I've never missed being married more now that we're dating. I'm used to dating men who are my age or older and have outgrown the bar scene. They go golfing with their buddies once in a while or go have a drink here and there but it's not an every weekend thing and the last guy I dated for 6 months would always spend his weekends with me and we would hardly see eachother during the week. I was ok with this. After grilling out last night I had to leave early to put my little boy to bed and I guess I expected him to come over later but instead he calls me and tell me he's going out to the bars with everyone that was there (all couples.) It upset me and I said something. I told him I was just tired of feeling like I was his evening thing to do while he still gets to go out and drink with his friends every weekend and I wake up exhausted when he does come over because I have to work the next day. He txt msgd me later saying he would only watch one game tomorrow then call me...I told him not to bother and to just talk to me later in the week. I was probably getting more upset than I should but I guess it's just hard. I feel like I'm no longer carefree and single and I'm not married either but I don't want to sound posessive with his time but he doesn't have to give up anything but one night with his friends on the weekend and sees me at an inconvenient time during the week. He's very social and loves to be around lots of people but I'm just used to having that one on one time with someone. Last night he made some comment to his friend who was talking about how fun the bar was with all the crowds and my boyfriends said, "yeah, I miss it." I'm thinking, 'You've hardly had to miss anything.' It bothered me. I don't know what to do.




Edited 9/11/2006 9:19 am ET by rockymtngirl2006
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Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 4:31pm

Hi there, Rockymtngirl! I hope some of the other ladies here chime in, too, but here's my two cents...

I'm not sure the age difference is the major factor here. I have friends in a band, and so nearly every weekend, we're at a bar. That isn't to say we're always getting drunk, or drinking at all, for that matter, but it is where we are. It's a lifestyle thing. The two guys that I'm closest to (I'm actually very close to their wives, and families in general) are in their 40's, and are third generation band members. It's what they know. If their wives weren't supportive and didn't enjoy the lifestyle, I am not sure the marriages would be thriving. In fact, since the men behaved this way before they met their wives, I doubt the marriages would have even happened if the wives weren't comfortable with the lifestyle.

That being said, there's no reason for there not to be compromise if you truly like him and want to be together. For instance, in the case of my friends, the band used to play every Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon, with an occassional weeknight thrown in. Now it's typically one night each week- Friday or Saturday. The wives didn't force their husbands (or even ask them to, in fact) to give up the other nights, but the husbands wanted to in order to spend more time with their wives and eventual families.

My advice for you is to really think about whether or not you can deal with his lifestyle- as it is now. There may come a time when he'll slow down, or go out less, but he's a social person, and will always be a social person. Can you handle being in that kind of relationship? If the answer is no, no matter how crazy for each other you are, I don't think a relationship will work.

That being said, there's no reason for you to continue to allow him to come over late on weeknights if it means you're tired all day the next day. He could come over and leave earlier, or simply wait until the weekend if he wants to see you. He may not be willing to "give up" the bar scene even a little, but if he's not willing to compromise he probably isn't worth you, anyhow.

You shouldn't feel possessive if you're also compromising by spending time with his friends and doing the things he likes to do. You don't mention your friends- when do you spend time with them? I don't think you should give up your relationships with them so that you can spend time with him. Sometimes, you'll simply have to say, "gee, I'd love to see you, but I have to get up early/have plans with friends/don't want to go to a bar... etc" and schedule a time that's better for both of you. It may mean less time spent with him, but it would probably be happier time together for both of you.

Hope this helps, and I'm sure everyone else will have great advice too.

Moody


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Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 8:43pm

Do you think that if you didn't have your child you would want to do all the stuff he is doing? At first I thought maybe you just need to find a sitter on Saturday so you don't feel so tied down. But then I realized that you said you are over the bar scene. And I am too so I understand. Put me anywhere but a bar - no offense to anyone who likes that sort of thing but it is NOT me.

I think that he is causing you to have resentment because you are not his main concern. You are a convenience - he is having his cake and eating it too.

As a final last chance/resort, I think I would be inclined to set a firm boundary on the coming over late on a worknight thing. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! You can't let him do this to you because it doesn't work for you. I think that when you allow another person to do everything that is great for them at your own expense you ask for trouble.

If he would rather be with friends at the bar than home with you on the weekend that is an incompatiblity. It sounds like he loves/craves this lifestyle and this is not right for you. I don't think you should resent that he doesn't have responsibility because your kid is your responsibility. But it sounds more like a big lifestyle conflict to me.

I have a couple of girlfriends in their 20s who do not have kids. And they do not like bars. One had to be alone for a long time and then she found someone who is just like her who digs her. The other has a bf who loves that lifestyle and they are having problems. So I know your pain from that perspective.

Sorry you have to go through this. Hope this helps and that others write more too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 9:55pm

You had this reservation... the difference in lifestyles... even before you dated him.

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Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 10:07pm

I also don't think it's really the age issue that is the problem here. It is the lifestyle difference that makes it a problem. And a maturity difference, too. The fact is, he has an active bar-life and you don't. And he likes to fit you in around his bar-fun and that makes you feel like his "afterwards activity" and not his primary interest. I would say that if I were in your spot, I'd be upset too!

You deserve better, and a compromise would be a neat thing so you could work it out and keep on seeing each other. But from what you said, I get the feeling he still has lots of "bar" in his system still- and is not ready to give it up for anyone. And that leaves you to decide if you want to put up with it in hopes that he will (maybe) grow out of it, or to just let him go. It's pretty obvious that even though you get along great in some ways, you are simply not a good match at this point. And WHO KNOWS what the future would hold? Are you willing to put up with this in hopes that he will maybe one day mature? What if he never does? How long are you willing to wait?

I guess I'm just a "fish or cut bait" type of woman now, in my old age... If a guy doesn't offer me just what I want in a partner NOW, then I'm going to keep on looking- and not hold on for what I think his potential might be. Because if HE doesn't see that same potential in himself, then I'm just waiting for something that he isn't even trying to achieve. BTDT with my exh... not doing that again. My man has to have achieved most of his potentials already- and already BE the type of man I want to be with, otherwise I won't even date him.

IMO, the decision here is pretty clear. You deserve to be treated better, and he doesn't get that (and thinks he is already treating you fine). He doesn't seem to even understand what he is doing wrong in the relationship world, because he is still living in the moment, and that moment is HIS.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 11:07pm

Hi and welcome to the board.


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Registered: 08-28-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:17am

Well we talked yesterday and he told me he didn't realize it was such an issue but he said he knew going into this that I had reservations about him for this reason but that he has been wanting to cut back (got a DUI in January) and he has a lot and that being with me was far more important than being at the bar. He said that he spoke to a friend of his about the situation yesterday when they were watching the game and he told him he'd hoped he woudl still respect him if they ever did go to watch a game and he didn't drink. His friend told him he totally respected him for not drinking at all and my BF made suggestions of other things they could do instead of going to the bars.

I told him it was a difference in lifestyles and that I chose men who were no longer interested in the bar scene for a reason...I just wasn't in that phase anymore in my life. I told him I didn't want to change him and he said, "You aren't asking me to change who I am, you're asking me to change a behaviour." He said at some point everyone gets tired of going to the bars and I have wanted a reason to not go anymore, because I'm tired of all the drunk drama that goes along with it. It just so happens you came along and you're reason enough. I don't wan't to screw this up and I want a future with you. I didn't know what to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:51am

Awww, that's very sweet of him to say, BUT- actions speak louder than words, so keep an eye out to ensure he's actually living up to what he's SAYING.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 11:35am

Okay - that is a start. But only time will tell if it will stick. It is easy for him to say all of this Sunday or Monday - in the beginning of the week. But if the old bar troll rears its ugly head on the weekend I would not cave in or the cycle will keep repeating itself. I also think you have to stick to a curfew during the week.

What everyone here says is true - and they all showed great support and wrote good advice - great job troops!!

I think that you will see in time if it will work for you and no matter which way it goes you will know you gave it the best shot and you will be able to make the right decision. Sometimes we know the right decision but we have to get to a point where we can throw in the towel. Hopefully he sticks with you and not the bar - but if he goes back to the bar life you will cut the cord.

For what it is worth, my friend is dealing with this same thing. Her bf has pretty much given up the bar scene after a year of them struggling with that and is studying really hard and is really sick of the bar scene - it was a matter that he just didn't have anything else better to do and all of his friends/cousins did that and he didn't know what he wanted to major in. But now he wants to be an engineer and is working hard in school and has a better group of friends.

He is just having issues with not being sure if he wants a committed relationship because he wants to watch football and do stuff with his brother and not be with her all the time. They broke up for a week and now he says he cannot live without her and cannot stand the thought of her dating anyone else and realizes that he was being selfish and has to manage his time better. He also had the experience this weekend of watching one of his friends get married and realized that is what he wants.

Love is never easy - we are here for you no matter what. Hopefully we have all given you good advice for you to make a better decision for yourself and your child.