Dating after Divorce with 3 kids-HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Dating after Divorce with 3 kids-HELP!
8
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 6:07pm
I was divorced last year after 18 yrs of marriage. It is much better now for both my ex and I. I have 3 kids, ages 16, 14 and 8. I started dating a man who is really nice about 9 months ago, but my kids refuse to even acknowledge him. They don't want him around, they don't want me dating, period. My ex and I even took them to a family therapist and we all discussed it (much to my embarrassment). They said that it was too fast for them. I agreed to never bring him around the house, just leave to go on dates with him... This was about 2-3 months after we started dating. But it has been 9 months now and they still don't want anything to do with him. How do I get my kids to relax and let me date? I don't want to marry him, but do want to invite him over to dinner occasionally or on weekend outings with my family! They all admit he is a nice man, but that they just won't like anyone I bring home! What do I do? Help!!
Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:57pm

YaKnow, I'm gonna come out of left field and conjor some stuff your kids might be thinking.

First you said you were divorced last year, but you also state you have been dating your BF for 9 months. That add's up to you and kids being in this situation for about 4 months alone and trying to rebuild your lifes without their Dad.

Teens on their best day's have no room to think of anyone other than themselves and you got 2 of those teens. Your 8 yr old is along for the ride in this game.

I'm glad you have made a deal with them to not bring your BF around, as they could really make this a bigger mess if they really wanted to. The fact that they don't call you every 5 minutes with little stuff they feel you need to take care of while they know you are on a date shows they have great restraint.

Count yourself lucky and don't push, this may be as good as it get's till you get the first 2 out into college and can possibly then get your now 8 yr old to renegotiate the situation.

Jer-JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 11:05pm

I agree with Jer that you should back off- they are still trying to figure things out and you haven't given them enough time in between to come to terms with it.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:40am
Hey, thanks for the thoughts. I didn't mention that I was separated from my husband for 3 years before I got divorced, so it's been awhile that I've been alone. But I guess the kids were thinking all along that we would get back together since we weren't dating anyone. And now I started dating and it's finally hit home. I just thought there might be some advice on how to get them to accept him....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:16pm

Hello texas mom,

Welcome!!

I think that you have to realize that your needs and your kids' needs are on 2 different planets right now. You are happy because you are freed of an unhappy marriage and they are unsettled because the parents they have lived with their whole lives are now divorced. That is really unsettling to a kid and it is just all going to take time for them to be comfortable.

If I was you I would continue dating a person whom I really liked but keep the teens separate. Give them time and see what happens over time. I mean, with your age it is not like you have to get married again or you want more kids so their is no rush.

If you do try to have them meet you could invite him for dinner and talk to them and encourage them to be polite. Or perhaps it could be a more casual last minute approach like he comes to help you with something around the house or go to a fun outing with them. Whatever you do, he has to be shown as a positive - someone who helps you all - and not someone who takes mommy away or causes a negative.

Good luck and keep us posted. Don't worry - it will all work out in time. Living with teens is never easy - that is for sure!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:45pm

Hi! Thanks for your thoughts. In the beginning, I did invite him over for dinner and everyone was polite and it was fine. I don't think it's right for me to see a man without my kids meeting him. I would never let my kids date without meeting who they were going out with. I thought I'd give them the same respect. We went to the lake on his boat for a day and it was fine, too. I have kept everything super casual. But it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Maybe they thought it was just a couple of dates (how embarrassing, Mom dating!) and I guess now they see it as not so casual...

I don't know, I never had to go thru this, I'm trying to be patient! =]

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 10:38pm

I think that you are worried about setting a dating example to your kids through your own actions.

I think you might want to rethink this. Your dating/adult/sexual life is private - and to start, unless you are thinking marriage, I don't think you need to share this with them. I really think you should stay casual and go at their pace.

At least you have broken the ice and they have all met. Soon they will become more absorbed in their own lives, especially with school starting up again and this won't be so new and such a big deal. Just don't act like it is life or death if they approve - they don't have to approve - you CAN do as you please with this. The only thing they have to do is to be polite to him when he is there.

If he has a boat on a lake that is great - what a nice activity - he is ADDING to their lives there.

Good luck and keep us posted - we would love to have you stick around more!! I really think you can't go wrong with taking your time, going slow and keeping the kids out of it for now. Just enjoy and don't worry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:33pm
I just wanted to welcome a fellow Texas Mom! I was married for 21 years and I have been divorced for 4. My son is 15 and my daughter is almost 11. I haven't had much luck in the dating arena!
Don't be embarressed about seeking counseling. Nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes people need professional guidance from someone with a trained perspective! Welcome to the board and hope you stick around!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:14pm
Thanks for your thoughts. My ex and I did take our family to a counselor several times when we first separated and then again when the divorce was final. I think they are very helpful, believe me! I was just looking for advice about getting kids to open up to someone not their Dad from people who have been there....