Dating with children/do's and don'ts??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Dating with children/do's and don'ts??
11
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:34am

I feel like a child even typing these questions out but I have not been single THAT long officially (post divorce) and I guess I really don't know what's okay and what's not when it comes to this specific issue. I need some input mainly from those of you who have your child in your care 80-90% of the time.

Here's my issue...I am 32 years old and I have been officially divorced for almost 2 years and have dated maybe 5 or 6 people in that time period. The last two people I dated, I introduced to my 3 year old (soon to be 4 next month) One, had kids and we only dated for about a month but I took my child over to his place twice so they could all play together. He was never around this man one on one unless he came over to my place right before he went to bed to watch a movie or visit and it was brief. The next guy I dated I waited just over a month before introducing him because I really felt it was going somewhere serious and my son was around him at least one weeekend afternoon a month and we went on a short weekend trip together and we dated for about 6 months until we broke it off. My son never even asks about him because even though he was used to seeing him, he never grew close to him. That's my only guess anyway.

The guy I am currently dating was my friend first (since about April) and my son knew him as my friend back then as we would go to his house to have BBQ's with his friends and he would sometimes come over here to visit with me right before I put my son to bed. In fact if it wasn't for all the wonderful qualities I saw in him and how good of a friend he was to me I probably would have stayed in my last relationship longer than I did. I am now getting lectured by my parents (which can be quite humiliating as an adult) about the fact that my child does not need to be exposed to a bunch of men who are going to walk in and out of his life and that I should only introduce someone to him if I know it's going to be a serious relationship. I agree to a large extent. I don't want this for my child and I feel like I'm careful but I feel that saying he can't even be around someone I'm dating is difficult. I have him all but one weekend a month when he sees his dad (which means I am out of town because I drive him there and stay with my mom) and yes I get sitters a lot so I can go out on dates with this person and my son doesn't spend extended time with him at all BUT it's difficult to develope a relationship with someone when you limit it to a few hours a week on a date night. And if it does get serious then you suddenly introduce them to your child let's say after 6 months and they can't handle the whole package you've really screwed up. So what is the right way to do things and when is it okay to expose your child to someone? I do want to clarify that prior to my last 2 relationships I dated casually, meaning, they were JUST dates and I usually met them somewhere or they picked me up when I got a sitter. Although he didn't grow attached to the guy I was with for 6 months he still saw this person come into my life and leave it and I don't want to misjudge someone the way I misjudged him and I know that being around my child should be a privelege always. The way I've handled things for the last month with my current boyfriend is that he comes over a few nights a week right before I put my son to bed and we visit then he leaves and on the weekends we have a date night (get a sitter) and sometimes he'll come over on a Sunday afternoon when my son is there or if my father takes my son for a Saturday we will spend Saturday together and I won't see him at all on Sunday. I've never gotten along with anyone so easily and I'm crazy about him and he's crazy about me but I don't know what the right thing to do is or when you really know it's okay....what is and isn't okay. My parents don't feel like he shoudl even be introduced to anyone until I know it's serious but I really don't feel it's any of their business to butt into my life, but I just happened to meet 2 great guys (one I was wrong about), one right after the other. I'm a good mom and my little boy has always come first in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I don't have any advice for you but I totally empathize with your dilemma.
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003

I didn't introduce my son to my boyfriend until we had dated for about 7 months. I wanted to know how I felt about my boyfriend before introducing him to my son. I couldn't know that until we had dated for a significant period of time and he passed the "honeymoon" stage where all is rosy and wonderful.

Why do you stay at your mom's when your son visits his dad? I think you need to work that out, so that you get a free weekend. Free from parenting, and free from being parented by your mom.

If your ex lives far from you, he should meet your halfway or something like that...share in the transportation. The visitation order that I have with my ex states that he picks up DS from my house and I pick up DS at the end of the visit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
I stay at my mom's because my ex still lives in my hometown. He is supposed to drive to my town one weekend a month and I drive there the other weekend a month...however he has recently stopped doing this which is a whole other story. He only sees our son 2 weekends a month (now only one because he's being difficult) due to distance. We agreed to this transportation arrangement. Meeting halfway makes no sense for a visit that is only less than 2 days. It's very convenient and cost effective for me to stay with my mom and it's only two days. It would make no sense to stay in a hotel by myself and it allows her to see her grandson for a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003

I wasn't saying that you should stay in a hotel. I was trying to find a way for your son to keep his visits, but allow you to stay at home for a "free" weekend and not travel back to your hometown and stay there for 2 days.

If you drove halfway to drop your son off and your ex met you for the exchange, then you'd still be driving the same distance that you are currently driving....but, you'd be in your own home alone for 2 days and you'd have more chances to date.

As for your mom seeing your son, that's unusual. Your mom sees your son when your ex is exercising his visitation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006

I completely understand your situation. That fact that you're asking advice already says a lot about what a good mother you must be.

Being a single parent to a 4 yr old son and dating has been very difficult for me. I live over 1000 miles from my family and his father (which wouldn't matter anyway) and have few only 2 friends that watch my son. Therefore dating for me has been quite limited. I dated someone for a year that my son got attached to and when it was over I know it affected him. He already doesn't have his Dad around and after my last relationship I knew that I didn't want him to feel abandoned by men in his life.

The decision I made was to only involved any man I dated with my child when I know it will lead to marriage. If this man is as amazing as you say then he will not only be understanding but supportive as well. That means coming over after your son is in bed, or when he's not there, etc. Yes, it makes your relationship more complicated but the way I see it, my son and I are a package and we deserve someone that will accept everything that comes with it.

If a man doesn't want to deal with that then he's not for me and my son. I've always realized that I need to create more of a network for both of us. I've signed up for several single parents group so that I can have more support and resources. I hope this helps and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
I totally understand what you were suggesting however it is an exhausting trip to make over 2 mountain passes twice a week and the way we do it allows my ex to have more time with my son because I can come over spend the night on a Friday night and he picks him up on Saturday morning whereas meeting halfway on a Friday is difficult when you have to go over two mountain passes in the winter and then go back over them again to get home and if I don't do that it means meeting on a Saturday morning, then again the next day in the afternoon and my son ends up spendign more time in the car than with his dad. The mountains can be trecherous and very dangerous which is another reason I prefer that my child and I not take that risk 2x a month but just once. My ex never wants to come early on Sat. mornign when I am staying with my mom and my son wakes up early during which time my mom gets to visit with him for an hour or two before his dad picks him up.
I know you meant well and see what you're trying to say but it makes more sense for my child and I the way it is, even if my dating life suffers. I just don't want to have to discuss or explain our visitation agreement, it is set the way that it is for a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Thank you, your advice was great and you are SO right. I need to talk to my boyfriend and let him know how I feel and how it's going to be. Good ot hear from someone in a similar situation. Babysitters can work at times but I really cherish my time with my son and I'm sure most of you work so you can relate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005

I agree with this post.

Welcome to our board!!

You do have some good advice and sympathy so far.

I don't think you should discuss your dating life with your mom if she is not going to be supportive. You are an adult and don't need her validation.

But what you really asked is how to manage dating and kids. Of course there is no easy answer and everyone's situation is different and they have to find a way to make it work. One of the boards I have visited had a cute mantra, "our kids don't date," and that is a good one indeed. I think that as fivesense pointed out, you should wait a long time to see if the dating person is going to work out. Certainly past the honeymoon phase. Don't push it - just wait and let it happen, or not happen, on its own.

If the guy is really right for you and has the right intentions, he is going to respect your situation and be supportive with regards to time. The positive side is that this situation is going to make you go slower and really take the time to see if you are compatible and meant to be.

You just have to be patient and do the best you can. Some creativity is in order so your child does not see him around all the time. It is good that you are getting sitters sometimes. In your case since you were friends first I think it is okay if he is seen as a friend that comes around sometimes - but not someone who gets attached at this point.

I hope this helps. Your child is really young right now and really needs the full time parent figure in his life. Mommy is his whole world. And that is what comes first. You just have to hang in there and take care of him and you. And the rest will fall into place




Edited 9/19/2006 2:37 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
That is a tough situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Hi, I know this is a little delayed, but I just now read your post. I know exactly how you feel. I am 31, I have been divorced for three years. I have introduced my two kids to three different guys. I'm constantly questioning myself on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I have been dating the most recent guy for about 6 months. He is 10 years younger than me. He is always trying to prove himself to my kids and me. I don't want him to but he does. I sometimes feel like he is overstepping the boundries. I don't mean by trying to dicipline my kids. He tries too hard to fit in with them. I'm not looking for them another daddy, they have an awsome daddy. I just want to build my relationship.
But anyway, I completely agree with you. I don't think you should wait until your serious to throw this guy into your little boy's face. It's really hard when people try to tell you wha to do, it makes you feel inadequate, like you're a failure at being a parent. While all along, it's hard enough to be in your shoes as it is.

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