Help...is my daughter jealous or what??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Help...is my daughter jealous or what??
7
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:29pm

My daughter turned 5 in July. Her father and I split up in February of 2005. Basically, that relationship was abusive & my daughter often saw her father yell at me and a few times she did see him physically hurt me. So, I knew that was not right and got out of that relationship. I went a whole year without dating ANYONE until Feb 2006. I met a guy who I really dated about 2 weeks. I was unsure of introducing her to him so soon, but he really wanted to meet her and I liked him a lot, so, after a week, I let them meet. THEN, after a another week, my EX caused a lot of problems & basically scared this guy away. He still called every night and My dd knew I would talk to him on the phone, & she would ask why he didn't ever come over. The calling stopped in July & he started dating someone else.

SO...Then the first of August...I start dating someone else....and i'm still dating him. He's wonderful to me & her & also has a 3 year old little boy. Things are going GREAT, except for ONE THING. My dd told me that I could not kiss him. Well, that's fine. We don't kiss in front of her. Then the other night, we were all standing outside & he put his arm around me. She walked over to us, took his hand and pulled it away from me. Then walked away. There are other times where she will see us close and not say anything. I can't figure out if it is jealousy or if she is protecting me and not wanting me to get hurt. Either way, I need to know what to do about this. She loves him and begs for him to come over whether his little boy is with him or not. He's good with her and pays her attention - something she never gets from her father. I can tell that this bothers him a lot...I keep saying that maybe she'll come around. I told her that I was happy because this guy was very nice & she said she wanted me to be happy. And she said she liked him. I even wonder if her father may be saying something about him & that may be the reason. Any suggestions????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:35pm

Hey Lady Bug:

As I stated in another post, I know how difficult it's to date as a single parent especially when you have a young child (my son is 4 yr old son). I learned the hard way about involving my child too early when I'm dating someone.

Your daughter is behaving like I would expect her to. She likes the guy but at the same time doesn't want him taking your attention away from her. My son reacts this way even when his best friend is over. If he sees me playing with his best friend one on one, he gets jealous and might say "This is my Mommy" or trys to join in. But of course he loves when his best friend is over, he just feels threaten when I give his friend attention.

He also knows that I'm really the only way he has. The only stable figure is his life. So think what she must be thinking and how big a deal it must be for her to see you giving/receiving affection from someone else. It's the end of the world for her. "Someone is taking Mommy away from me"

Think about it. We, as adults, have trouble handling break-ups, abandonment, even basic relationship issues, etc How can we expect our children to? This is why we need to be extra sensitive and take more precautions when it comes to our children.

My advice would be wait until you know this guy is here to stay. When the time is right, she might react the same way but you knowing this person would end up being a husband to you (if that's what you want) and "Dad" to her makes a big difference. I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:37pm
I've not got the single mom perspective on this, but I thought I'd reassure you that my DD has done this in the past - and even to a certain extent now - with my husband and me. Kids love to get and give hugs - but they do seem to have a problem with other people getting the hugs ;)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:47pm
you know its funny because I had the same problem my daughter who is 7yrs old. I began datin this guy he was such a nice guy my son loved him, he had two kids himself so we even had them all play together one day and they loved it the girls became friends and the boys became friends. Well about a month into me dating he would give kissess on the cheek or he would hug me and she would get so upset to the point where she hit him and tell him to leave and never come back. well this began bothering me and I asked her why she didn't like him and her response was that he wasn't her daddy mind you I haven't been with her dad in over 3 years so i was surprised when she said that well I explained that me and her dad where just friends. Well after a couple of weeks she actually began to give him a chance and she would play with him, the only problem she had was that I couldn't kiss him so I told her ok. Funny thing is a week later he decided that spending so much time with my kids made him miss his and he left me for his baby momma. Ironic huh how she finally came around and warmed up to him for nothing. so I guess what I am trying to say is if she likes him she will come around. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:01am

thanks, mizchantal...

Everything you said makes total sense. I do see this guy staying around a long time & I think that's why it really does bother him. Maybe when she realizes that he's not going anywhere, that will help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:07am

Thanks corrine...I guess kids just have a natural jealous bone!

Nels, sorry things turned out that way but thanks for sharing how your daughter did start coming around. I wish my daughter would actually tell me why she doesn't like it. I did ask her, but she won't give me an answer, she just says she doesn't want him kissing me. HOpefully she'll come around though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:17am
I am sure she will its just harder I guess when the other guy is not her daddy. If he is a good guy she will end up seeing it and try to keep the PDA away from her because that will only upset her more. I don't know about you but I wish when we became moms someone gave us a handbook with all the instuctions especially on girls because "Wow" its very hard trying to understand there emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:31pm

Welcome to our board!!

Kids can do the darndest things, can't they!! It seems that whenever we are on the phone or with someone it brings out the little devils in them ;-) She sounds so cute!!

For now I think you should sprinkle a little bit of humor dust into your situation. Don't freak or take it too seriously for now - just laugh and try to go along with it all. I think in time it will settle in and you won't have to worry. She is so young and either doesn't want to see you hurt or just doesn't want to give up the attention - maybe both?