Boyfriend Announces Problem w/ Son

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2005
Boyfriend Announces Problem w/ Son
7
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 2:01am
I'm so confused. I've been dating a man for over a year and a half, and things were very good. He has a 12 year old daughter (she doesn't live with him, but sees him monthly). He assured me in the beginning of our relationship that he was fine with my small child. He's treated him well, and gone out of his way to treat him like a son. He was very upset the other night, and told me that he was a horrible person, that he loved me more than anything but that he hasn't been honest about how he feels about my son. He said that he isn't sure he wants the responsibility. He is having some serious financial pressures and problems at work - and I think he has come to a point where he is having a mental breakdown. (crying, drinking alone, exhibiting some obsessive compulsive behavior) He said that all of his problems seem huge right now and that he thinks it is just part of his depression. I am trying to be supportive, but don't know if I am just fooling myself into thinking this is temporary and something that will change? How can you have a problem with someone else's child when you have one of your own? I don't know what I should do. The mental issues are new, and seem directly related to the possibility of losing his job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:27am

I would take a step back from him, if I were you. It's easy for a person to love their own child, but not want to take the responsibility for another person's child. At least, he was honest with you about it...but, you need to listen to what he's saying.

The possibility of him losing his job has got to be stressful for him, but his reaction to that stress does not sound normal. If he's drinking alone, obsessing, and feeling depressed, he's showing you how he deals with bumps in the road. Life is hard and there will be many stresses along the way. You should consider whether or not you want him your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 9:12pm
Going to have to agree with fivesense that at least he is being honest. Perhaps he is stressed, but do you really want someone in your life that cannot being an adult? We all hit hard bumps in the road and it is how we handle them that make our character. Soul search and you will come up with the right answer. Take care of yourself in the meantime and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:02pm

I agree with fivesense.

I think you have a glimpse at some of his red flags on his ability to handle stress. Also it seems that he is not able to see fitting the package of you and your child in his life - maybe because he is not comfortable enough with having one of his own?

I don't think you should take it personally at all. It seems to me that it is more of a timing issue - and that is a big deal.

Better that you see it now than later.

Dating is never easy - and with kids it is harder because we cannot only take a chance with ourselves - we have to make a good decision for two or more.

Keep us posted!

Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 10:08pm

Gigi, you have to step back from this one and look at it from the outside.

First, He said he was "fine with a small child", yet only see's his own 12yr old "monthly". I have to ask how long has the sporatic contact with his own child been going on. To me this reads he doesn't have alot of contact and is comfortable with it.

Second, He states he's "a horrible person and hasn't been honest about your DS and his feelings towards him". I commend him for his honesty and still think you need to distance yourself from him.

Third, who the heck cares about the third(drinking, finacially unstable, not able to deal with stress's at work) aren't 1 and 2 above enough for you to step way back and look at what would be safe and sane for you and DS.

Jer-and just seeing enough for her to yell run, Forrest, RUN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 2:00pm
These girls are very wise and they have given you great advise. I wish someone could have told me this two years ago. I was in a relationship with someone for two years. After dating for like a year, he started expressing some uncomfortableness with me having a kid. He started saying that it was more complicated that he thought it would be and that he wasn't sure if he was ready to be with someone who had a kid (I have a five yr old boy) I wish I would have walked away the minute he said that but instead, I ignored all the signs and all the words that he said to me. Well, believe them when they tell you that they have problems with you having a kid!!! I kept on dating him for another year, trying to make him see that me having a kid was not so bad but it didnt work. He ended up leaving me (a month ago) because he could not deal with 'that' responsibility. I just wish I could have walked away the minute he started showing signs of him not wanting me with a kid.
keep us posted! you remind me so much of myself when I was with this guy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:41pm
Please believe this man gigli.. don't analyze him ... he has told you exactly how he feels. BELIEVE HIM for you and your son's sake. And I don't mean that lightly. Rather than repeat some really marvelous advice already given to you.... I will say this fivesense has given you great advice. Gerbear you are really funny, but correct.. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:41pm

Hi Andiaz1 and welcome - thanks for posting us your story. It is sad that you had to go through that but you are much wiser now - and we all benefitted from hearing your story and advice - really appreciate you sharing!!

Hope you participate more!