Thinking ahead
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 09-27-2006 - 2:04am |
Okay I'll admit it....for the most part I'm a "smother mother". I just broke up with df, and am not planning on dating for the next while here, but I would like to try to overcome this before I start.
I seriously have a VERY hard time being away from my dd (14 months) for more than 2 hours....and I don't think it's an age thing, it's just the way I am about her. I can't get enough, and feel anxious when I'm away, and guilty too. My mom was a smother mother too, and now I'm living with her (at least for the time being), and of course she encourages/expects me to be like that too. My dd is 14 months and the longest I have been away from her is 3.5 hours only a hand full of times. I am pretty reliant on my mom as a babysitter, and so it really makes it hard when she questions everything I do, and makes me feel guilty if I have ANY kind of a life to myself (and I'm 24). Last week I went out from 9-11;30 (the first time I have been out at night since having dd) with my sister, and it was a HUGE deal.
When I was younger, my mom always wanted me to stay at home, and now she has the perfect way to trap me. I know even when I move out she is still going to ALWAYS be calling, and because I depend on her for babysitting if I want to go out/she will know when I go out, I know it's going to be almost impossible for me to date without her being up my butt, and making me feel guilty. I have tried to talk to her about this (actually I have been talking about this since I was a kid), but she NEVER will lay up. And then when I do spend time with her she will guilt me to death.
Because I'm following in her footsteps already *quiver* it makes it even harder. I already have a very hard time with this, and she makes it even worse.
What can I do?????

Having never been a "smother mother", but being raised by one, I sort of know what you mean. I can't say I know how you feel, but I have experienced this.
My biggest suggestion would be to join a playgroup or story time at the library or take walks with friends with kids- WITH your daughter, to start with. You'll be away from your mother, meet new people, and you won't have to worry about leaving your daughter. For the time being. But, know that you'll move out of your mother's house, and when you do, you won't have to be so reliant on her for babysitting. There will be plenty of available sitters- if you know where to find them. If you're proactive and go about the search in a methodical way, you'll find a sitter (or daycare) that you trust completely, and your daughter will thrive there.
That being said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your daughter- BUT, by introducing her to new people, places, and experiences even at this young age, you're teaching her to embrace new things rather than be fearful of them. You're also teaching her that yes, you're her mother, and you love her, but you're also a person and have needs, desires, hobbies, whatever, too. This will encourage her to pursue her own, when the time comes.
As for actually doing it- I'm not sure I have any practical advice. I would say start small, and when you see she's perfectly fine, it'll be easier for you to leave her. Soon, you'll be able to leave for for an occassional day or even evening, without qualms. You have to know and trust that she's perfectly fine, perfectly happy, and perfectly safe before you'll be able to do that.
One more thing- DO NOT live your life trying to please other people. Not only can you never live up to their expectations, you'll only be miserable in the process. This holds true for mothers, boyfriends, teachers, sisters, employers, whatever. You can love and respect your mother (and her opinion) without having to follow it. She isn't you. You aren't her. There's absolutely no reason why you should live your life her way. You're an adult now, with a child of your own, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to raise her as you see fit. Your mother is probably a wonderful grandma, but that's all she is. It's up to you to make the decisions and set the examples as her mother.
I hope this helps, and I hope everyone else chimes in too!
Moody- soooo over living to make others happy!
Powered by CGISpy.com
Hi Ginger,
Welcome to the board.
I agree with Moody.
You need to start setting up the boundaries now that you're an adult, even while living with her, so that she understands how you expect to be treated now.
Welcome to our board!! You have great advice from Moody and Alison.
I see two issues - the first is that there is nothing wrong with being a smother mother when your child is so young. I don't think you can do that enough with a small one - you are her everything and you will never get these little ones days back again. So go ahead and indulge both of you. I love Moody's suggestion of getting out and doing things with your daughter. There is plenty of time for dating after your daughter becomes more independent. Don't worry about that now.
The other issue is that you do have to set a boundary with your mom - she has to accept that you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. Work at this each time she oversteps and you will be better after a while. It is great that she is helping you now - you need that - and so until you are able to support yourself and your child you will have to put up with it a bit. I know it is hard because my mom is this way, too. I think one of the biggest things that has helped me is for me to realize I DON'T need her validation and I don't seek it. Of course I respect her as my mom but at 44 I can fully depend on ME.
Hope this helps somehow.
Keep posting -we would love to have you stick around.
I disagree with you on the age thing. Your DD is very young. I didn't leave my DS for anything, except for work, for almost the first 4 years of his life. There is a honeymoon period when you have a new baby. It's the first 2 years of life.
Your situation is similar to mine in the sense that you live with your mother and she is primarily your babysitter. My mom has watched DS since birth. We lived with my parents for 3 years while I went through a nasty divorce. Your mom is reluctant for you to date or do other fun things, because the stakes are higher now. She doesn't want any setbacks for your DD. My parents were overprotective this way too.
I think you can set some boundaries with your mom. Ask her to babysit for you. If she gives you a hard time about it, you can find another sitter. I only had to use that threat once with my mother. She preferred to babysit, than see me go out and find someone else to do the babysitting.
Good luck.
Thanks for the advice ladies!!
Ya....I know my mom would babysit if she thought i was going to get someone else to, but then she would still be uptight about it. The ex seems to be turning into quite the deadbeat (well he always kind of was hence why I left him)....but hopefully once we have something agreed upon and mediation is done he will comply and step up to the plate (we'll see, LOL).
As for ex's mom babysitting...uggh....the only way I feel comfortable (ESPECIALLY at night would be if ex was there too), she really doesn't do a good job of watching her (dd almost chokes, falls down stairs, falls off tables, stuff like that, AND she does NOT "believe" in any kind of safety belt or restraint), and both her and ex have left her in poopy diapers for over 3 hours the few times they have actually even fallen through with watching her (they just decided to wait until I got home to change her!). They are truely pathetic! I don't have any issue with ex spending time with her....it's just that he's not stepping up.
My sister is an AWESOME babysitter, but she dates a lot, and has a really busy social life, and also most times I actually go out we want to go together. I might try to use my one friends babysitter, she's really good, and I feel like I could trust her (she usually doesn't babysit at night, but she does at times). Hopefully my mom will come through!!! Otherwise I will probablly be single for the next few years....which I'm okay with too, but it would be nice to find someone sooner (like next year maybe).
Thanks again for all the tips!! :)