Will I never find someone being a mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Will I never find someone being a mom?
20
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:00pm

Hi ladies,
I hope maybe some of you may have experiences that can help me to gain a little bit of perspective here.
I am a 23 yr old single mother of a five year old boy.
I recently broke up with my ex boyfriend (I just broke up with him a month ago) 25 year old man that showed signs of not really being in love with the idea of me having a kid. We were together for 2 years and he would always tell me that me having a kid made things more complicated for us. He was nice to my son, but I noticed that he just didn't really get attached to him, or really interact with thim. My boy loves him a lot and looks up to him and it breaks my heart that my ex never really bothered to be at least a friend to him you know?
Well, my point is that I guess after being in this relationship with this guy and ending it. I really feel like no one will really want me because I have a kid. I am a really young mother and my friends don't have any kids so I see them dating guys and I just feel like the minute I say that I have a kid, they show no more interest.
Sometimes I a also afraid that i will attract a guy but it won't be a man that's really deserving of me because I have a kid. In other words, I feel like I will have to settle for less and that I can't ask for much because I am a single mom. I feel defective. I don't know what to do. I am a very pretty girl and very outgoing but that though is always in my head for some reason. And this recent break up I had is still killing me inside.

Help please :-(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:47pm

Hello Andiaz1....

Sorry I had to respond.

Just a few words of encouragement.....

I just wanted to say don't worry. Love is out there looking for you and you will find what you are looking for in a real man if you take the right chance. When The opprotunity Comes. And you will know it when it does.... To me I much more would rather be with a single mother. Only because they already know what they want for the most Part and aren't looking to play head games... God how I hate head games. They are Childish and a waste of time..... For the most part single parents are done with all that and want to build a meaningfull life time relationship. It's The loosers you have to becarefull of who think that all because you are a single parent that you put out.... and are jobless and hoping that you can support them. Oh sure they start off with a job. but then you end up supporting them.... and while you are at work they are at play. usually hitting on your friends..... Anyways.... Just stay strong. Believe In yourself and Have confidence in your self also. Know That The right man for you will make himself known and in time if you give him the chance you will be glad that you did.... So Choose wisely.... Don't make the same mistake twice. Learn from this one and move forward.......

God Bless You and I hope everything works out for you....

Jesus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 3:59pm

I can relate... I am 34. Divorced twice. and I have not one but FIVE children. Sometimes when I'm meeting new guys and I think things are going well.. I get depressed and think that it doesn't matter how smart, funny, attractive, etc. I am... I feel like when they find out i have children they will RUN and not give me a chance.

And yet, I believe, that somewhere out there...after all the rejection and bad first dates, I will run across a good man. And one who will accept me and all my children.

Hang in there... the way I deal with it is that I've stopped putting pressure on myself to find "the one". I try just to enjoy the moment and enjoy a conversation and smile. Another cutie pie is ALWAYS around the corner. Move on and have fun along the way.

Chin Up!!

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 6:46pm

Hi there, and welcome to our board!

You say you only broke up a month ago- so maybe you need to take some time for yourself and just learn to enjoy being single. After any meaningful relationship in our lives ends, we need time to mourn its passing. For some this is a couple of days. For others, it's months. Some relationships simply take longer than others, and some people need longer than others, and that's Ok. I am 25, and when I was 23 my son was 5, so I know what you mean about your friends.

The thing is, being pretty and outgoing are great, but are you confident? Are you happy? Are you a good person? People are naturally attracted to these qualities. If you're truly happy with your life, whether you're single, dating, married, divorced, widowed, whatever, it will show. Once you stop caring about your status and start caring about yourself, you'll become all the more happy on your own, and therefore more likely to find a quality mate.

No one has to settle for less than they deserve. People's "must-have" lists may evolve as they get older- right now, make a must have list. These are the traits and qualities you KNOW you wouldn't be happy going without. It can be small, it can be big, whatever the things a man MUST HAVE in order to be with you. As you meet men, check your list, even if it's only mentally. If employed is on your list, and you meet a guy who's perpetually between jobs, you'll know instantly he isn't for you. Do not deviate from your list, unless your must haves change and then you make a new list. This doesn't mean the man who meets your criteria will be perfect, but if you seriously sit down and think about what it is you're looking for, you'll know better how to spot it when you find it, and therefore won't be going through so many dead-end and failed relationships.

Furthermore, please know that NO ONE will make you happy. YOU are the only person who can do that. Find out what it is that you truly enjoy, and DO it!!! Now that you're single, you get to spend time doing what you want to do, persuing goals, spending time with your son, leisure time to yourself without checking with anyone first. Being single is not a terrible thing. It's also not a life sentence, unless you want it to be, and you might find that you do, once you learn how to be happy alone.

Take some time to figure out what you want for yourself, as you. Not as someone's girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter, etc. Just for you. Then think about how you can get it. Then think about what you want in a mate. If you are consistently meeting men who fall below those standards, try different paths to meet people. The bottom line, as far as I'm concerned, is being happy with your life as it is right now.

So many people get caught up in if onlys. If only they had a wonderful spouse, a better car, a nicer house, a bigger pool, a better boyfriend, more money... then their lives would be better. Guess what- that's not realistic. There's always someone else with a better car, bigger house, nicer seeming spouse. But they aren't necessarily happier than you. Enjoy the stage you're at now, you'll never get it back, and when the next stage of your life comes along, it'll be all too easy to wish you were at another one.

Moody- who's singing the praises of singlehood these days


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:36pm

You are partially correct. A lot of men do get turned off when they find out you have a child. In fact quite a lot. BUt those men are not for you. You need someone who will accept and love you AND your child. I'm not going to dress it up and tell you oh just hang in there like it's going to be easy. It's hard and it hurts. It hurts a lot. I too am a young mom and have seen the look in men's eyes go blank the mention they find out you're a mom. We as women would accept a single dad (we think oh how responsbible, etc.) but unfortunately not many are as accepting as we tend to be. Not all single moms have it together and know what they're looking for. Just make sure you're one of them (the ones who know what they want and dont'want). Please don't settle thinking that it makes you some sort of second class citizen because you're a single mom. ANd don't let men treat you like you should be grateful for their company because they're willing to overlook the fact that you have a child. No man who truly cares for you would consider you having a child as something he needs to overlook or put up with. A child is not a burden.. it just changes things. I would not allow any man around my child until I knew it was serious. Otherwise you have kids seeing mom with this man for a few months and then when that doesn't work out then some other man and then the next and next. As a single mom your son is watching you. And you teach him how to treat women by the way you allow men to treat you.

It's hard when you want companionship, someone to hold and joke with, watch tv with. Your body so used to having once experienced intimacy craves it again. You want to be a good mom but yet you have needs as well. I think the best thing you can do right now is to pursue your dreams. What career are you interested in? No this does not take the place of a man.. but let me show you this will all tie in together. Pursue your dreams, go back to school if you haven't finished. Get involved with a hobby. Find a reliable babysitter for those evenings when you want to just hang out with the girls. Once you find something you are interested in your mind will not be so focused on "will I ever find someone" but more "he will find me". When you're not looking, when you're not constatnly thinking about it.. some man will notice you. In fact if you meet him while you are pursuing these dreams, careers, goals, hobbies, etc at least you know you have something in common. Meeting someone at the club or bar IS NOT the way to go. Get your hair done, put a little make-up on and when you go out look nice. SO many times we just run to the supermarket with ratty clothes on. I dont' care what people say about "if he likes me he'll see past this".. that's a bunch of nonsense. What first draws us to someone is our appearance. I find that many single mothers make the mistake of immersing themselves so deep into their children that they forget that before they were mommies they were a woman. Go out and enjoy yourself. How will you meet someone sitting at home on the weekend. Live and enjoy life. Perhaps you need to befriend another single mother who is also interested in going out. Trust me when you start going out you will meet all kinds of people and you never know who may have a brother, uncle, friend, cousin they could introduce you to (yes let people know that you're not desperate but you would like to meet someone nice).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 9:57pm

Hi Andiaz1,

First of all I want to say BRAVO to all who have responded so far - I have really enjoyed reading every word. I totally understand all of your feelings. Because I am in the same boat. And I am older - 44 - so to me it feels even harder because my dating pool has receded quite a bit. Sure, I did a whirlwind of dating shortly after my divorce - like for 3 years - but then really burned out on all of the people who just weren't matches or seeking/capable of a good relationship.

I don't think you should ever feel inferior because you have a child - and nor should you EVER settle. Better alone than with Mr. Wrong. For sure.

There was a report in our local paper the other day that said that most young people have put off marriage and even dating in favor of pursuing other interests - like school, careers, enjoying their own families and friends. So even though it seems hard for you - it is hard for everyone who is looking for a quality individual to share their lives with.

While children don't appeal to some, and that is okay because that is they way they feel, they do appeal to others. The man whose eye you catch is not going to pay that any mind because he will like YOU for YOU and all the right reasons - not just sex and a shallow lifestyle.

I think what has helped me so much in the past few years is to appreciate what I have now. I think it is good to be alone with my son because no one can come between us or put pressure on me for how I spend my time or money on him. No one questions my parenting and I feel I truly put him first and spend quality time with him.

I also have come to appreciate that I can call all the shots around this house - from vacations to remodeling to how to spend money. I have worked hard on my business so that I don't "need" someone financially.

And now that I have a true obsession/passion with my sport (endurance racing) I am really digging being single. Because now I have a really great coach and a lot of time to train with no obligations. I am not settling now - because I am used to being alone.

I think all this time alone has made me strong. It has made me build a fortress with my house and my life that is not going to settle for someone who doesn't deserve it.

I think if you are younger - 20's, 30's, and into family then you will do just fine - it is a matter of building your social circle and getting out there. Always keep your chin up and remember who you are. Be proud of the sacrifices you have made as a mom. Carve out a little time for yourself. And don't settle.

Be strong. We are all here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:31pm

Hello everyone!

I wanted to really, really thank you, from the very bottom of my heart to all of you wise people and the great advise, and nurturing words you have said. I want to specially thank Moodygrneyes, fairydust and cl-west1745. You guys gave me probably the best advise I have ever received. You made me think of the positive sides of being single. You guys really made me think. I have wonderful things in my life right now. I have a beautiful boy who is healthy and you know what? he IS so much fun,says the funniest things sometimes and he needs me so much right now. You are right, now I have all the time in the world to give him lots of attention, focus more on him and MYSELF. When I go out shopping, I only have to think of myself and my child and no one else! lol. I leave home whenever I want, and come back whenever I feel like it.
Guys, you made have this feeling of freedom. You're so right, why not enjoy it now that I have the opportunity to?

I still feel sad about my break up with the ex but reading some of your stories, has really made me think about things. I know God has something wonderful for me in the future and I know that right now is hard to see but I will find out when the time is right.

Also, now I think that I do need to learn so many things about myself. It feels scary right now, almost like I refuse to do it, like I am afraid of what I mihgt discover. But then again, you guys made me realize that sometimes I just focus too much on the negative and don't see the positive. I really need to change this about me. I need to think in a more positive way. There are always two sides to EVERYTHING. A good side and a bad side. I will focus on the positive side for now.

THank you so much guys!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:26pm
I've been divorced for 2 years and have four kids. I'm 36 and am independent, which a lot of men find attractive. I've been with a man for a little over 6 months and even though my kids aren't the ideal situation, we do have a lot of quality time for just us. My ex and I share custody which leaves me blocks of time with my BF and then blocks of time with my kids. It's actually a very attractive thing to a lot of men because they don't feel pressured so much by the woman, so when she's occupied with her kids that leaves him free time to spend with his own kids or on his own (and we all know how much men love space). That's made me more attractive in my present situation for sure, and when we talk during my time away from him, I'm always busy and enjoying my time with my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2006
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:08pm
Live a life that makes you happy and things will work out. I can tell you as a guy that the woman I am interested in now is a single mother. I had been in a 7 year relationship until she had decided she wanted more of a party life. I meet plenty of single women who dont have children and about all of them act like theyre still in college, but I'm still in my 20's so I guess thats to be expected. This woman however is incredible, down to earth, responsible, fun, etc etc.... I find the sense of priorities she has in life and her attitude towards it incredibly attractive. She's past playing games and knows what she wants for her and her son. I think that the right guy for you will admire the qualities you have and how you approach life, and if he doesnt then he isnt worth your time, but I am a stubborn male so I may be off the mark here! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 6:08am
OH Shimmerz218 - you made everyone's day here! Thanks so much for posting that. Do come back and participate more!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:49pm

Dating in your early 20's is rough. It really doesn't matter if you're a single mom or not. Most relationships do not last because the guy isn't ready to settle down. Your ex said that your kid complicated things......but, if it wasn't for you being a mom, it would have been something else.

I wasn't a mom for most of my 20's, but I have long list of break-up stories. One guy actually left me for a single mom with 2 kids. Plain and simple, they were a better match for each other. No hard feelings.

You must not SETTLE. Being a mom, raised my dating standards. I can't afford to settle and bring home a big jerk. I don't want a jerk, toad, putz, or loser around my son. I don't want my son to see me treated badly or be unhappy with a boyfriend. When you value yourself, others will too.

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