dating with a child
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dating with a child
| Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:11am |
I've been dating a guy for 2 years and I want to know what I should expect from him when it comes to my child? We have been living together for about 9 months. Should he be like a step-father to my child? My child's bio-father is not in the picture. Should I expect him to help raise, discipline, watch my child when I need a babysitter? What is asking too much from a live-in boyfriend? I need help!!!!!!!!!!

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It depends on what you and he have talked about and what your expectations are.
I know that I would not want a boyfriend to feel like he has to pay for stuff for my kid or babysit him. That would be my responsibility. But I do know that I would want them both to have a general feeling of liking each other and getting along. And I would definitely have to have a boyfriend who is a good role model.
Do you feel that your bf is not being supportive? What are your expectations? Do you see a future with him?
"If he moves back in, then he needs to think of us more like a family and not a girlfriend with a kid. I'm not asking him to pay for anything that involves my child, just get more involved with us. As of now I told him if he wants to be with me, he has to show me that he is willing to realize that I have a child and he can't date me and want nothing to do with her."
I think it is GREAT that you took this action. And I think you should stick to this level of thinking for you and your daughter.
I bet it is more than just watching her from time to time - you have a sense that he was not fully committed to the package of you and your daughter. It was probably little subtle things that told you that about his actions.
Don't settle - you are surely doing the right thing!! Good for you!!
HI there. I haven't read ahead, so forgive me if I repeat what others have already said. I have a few questions before I start spouting off advice, which I will probably do at some point anyhow.
How old is your child? What did you discuss before moving in together? What does your child feel about him? How does the bf treat him now? What about finances- are they split in a way that's agreeable to both? Whose place was it before you cohabitated- yours, his, or did you get it together?
I get the sense that he doesn't do enough as you see it, yet you are unsure if your expectations are fair. You're probably right that he doesn't treat your son as his child, and yet, you probably do expect too much if you never discussed this- and he never agreed that that was what he wanted. Communication is vital before moving in with someone, especially if there are children involved. I think typically people simply don't get that they aren't just gaining roomates, they're gaining responsibilities. A lot of people are completely fine with it, but need to have it spelled out for them exactly what that means.
That doesn't mean you get to use him as a free babysitter every chance you get, it means that the two of you decide what's right for all three of you as a unit. For some families, the mother baiscally does raise her child on her own, with the bf as the male role model and as her backup, but not a primary care giver. Other families do opt to have the bf become the step-father figure. But, either way, it's a conscious decision, made by both adults.
Without more information, I don't have more advice, but I wouldn't ever live with another man who couldn't love my child. That being said, most women who are married to their children's fathers think they carry the brunt of the workload- and most of them do. Life isn't fair, but moms get most of the hugs, too, so I guess that about evens it up.
Moody- overworked but hugged a bunch today
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Hi Shell,
Welcome to the board.
I think your instincts are good - this one is not the one for you.
1) Workaholic - been there done that - it is okay if you are both this way or if you don't mind being left alone a lot - but that is not for me either. It sounds like he would just detest having to be "nonproductive" and play with her and entertain her. You can't change him or judge him for that - just know he is not for you/your situation.
2) He just isn't that child friendly - some people really take to kids - it is like they are naturally playful and warm hearted - he is not one of these or not yet at a point in his life where he can be like that - that is not good with a child so young - it would hurt her self esteem.
3) Your family values are different. I think you require someone who doesn't mind doing a lot more family activities - this is the picture you have in your head - and this is easier to find than you think - keep looking and you will find a special person who loves you AND your dd!!
I hope you stick around and participate in our threads and also keep us updated about you!
I really loved Alison's story about her son and the grocery store - how she was all set to take him to the store but her son wanted to stay home with her bf and he agreed - that is how it should be.
Well I certainly understand the desire to have a family, especially for your daughter since she doesn't have her dad around.
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