Interesting dilemma - your thoughts?
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| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:01pm |
I just got an email from an old school - we are talking grade school/high school here - friend.
"Fisherman" and I have been friends since 5th grade - that is more than 20 years. Our fathers worked together. We grew up about 2 miles from each other. Went to the same grade school and high school. Worked our first jobs together. We are both single.
BUT BUT BUT dear readers before you get your romantic hopes up for me, wait.
We would be theoretically perfect on paper. But we have tried that before I was married and it didn't work; further, I am not at all attracted to him now despite his attempts a few years back after my divorce. Further, there is a reason he is 40+ and never been married - he is selfish - his strength - which is doing the least amount of work for the most amount of money - carries over to his relationships and bedroom skills (he wonders why his past GFs mind him being gone fishing and hunting most every weekend and one time he was talking to me on the phone while one of them was mowing the lawn). Also as we have grown up, we have grown to be extremely incompatible. He believes in dining and drinking and smoking cigars to excess while I am a health exercise freak. Okay enough. He is a great person and will be wonderful for the right person.
Anyway back to my dilemma. A while ago, when he found out I was divorced, he invited me to escort him to a holiday party - and we both had a lovely time. He wanted me to "come upstairs" and I declined - so then I never heard from him for like 2 years.
Somehow I did convince him that I am quite happy with being single mom in suburbia - which he would detest - so I think he sees that we are meant to be justfriends. We have been emailing/calling every so many months and even got together for a Dutch dinner a few months back.
So, he emails me and says he is fishing an hour from here 2 days in a row. So, he would bring some fish over for dinner in exchange for him staying here. That would enable him to lessen his driving.
I have mixed feelings on this. First of all, my son is here all weekend. So that seems strange.
But at the same time it would be fun to visit with him - I mean - we are friends and do enjoy each others company as so.
So I am not sure what to do - maybe email him and explain that my son is here with me so he has to sleep on the couch in my office?
This has gotten so long. I was wondering what you guys thought?

So if he is a JustFriends guy, and there's NO interest in your wanting it to ever be anything BUT JustFriends, then what is the problem? If your son meets him as your friend, then that is just what it is. And that is all it will ever be.
So he sleeps on the office couch because your son is there? Wouldn't that be where he'd be sleeping anyway, because you have no interest in any relationship other than JustFriends with him?? Am I missing something? Are you saying that if your son wasn't there, he'd be sleeping with you? I surely didn't read that in your post, so that's why I'm wondering why there is even a dilemma here??? Other than maybe you leading him on by letting him visit and stay over- but I know you well enough to know that you can just be up-front with him and clear THAT assumption right out of his head!!! And if there is an issue of you not trusting him to stay there and take no for an answer (should he try to make a move on you)- then it would be best to tell him he can't stay there while he's in the area.
I have had a long-time male JustFriend stay with me for a couple of days last Christmas- and my kids didn't think anything of it. He slept on the couch in the living room and it was not a big deal. I was dating Hiker then, too- and it was no big deal to Hiker, either- because he knew that my friend was only a friend, and that is all he will ever be.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I would only caution against him spending the night if you don't make it 100% clear that there will be no hanky panky going on, that he will indeed be on the couch all night and there should be no expectation of anything else.
No shrimps, you are not missing anything :-) Other than my big long disorganized, unedited babble!! Amazing how typing all of that and getting you guys opinion helps so much! I think his email just threw me and then I had to type a summary of the history.
I guess I don't trust him - that is a good point you brought up. Because when I think of most of my JustFriend male friends, there is no question - it would not be a big deal at all. But I do still feel like he has feelings - you know how someone just looks at you a certain way?
But with him I think he would take exception to sleeping on the couch. I don't have anywhere else to put him in this house. And of course you are right that I have no intentions of anything else with him. It just doesn't feel right to me.
I guess it would be okay at a later time - if we had more interaction and I know I could trust him. But we have only had dinner one time since the 2 years ago when he wanted "dessert" and I didn't, although we have emailed and talked on the phone a few times.
So I will explain that DS and I have plans this weekend. I am happy that I have DS all to myself this weekend- his dad has been travelling a lot. And the two of us are so happy in our own little world!!
First of all, I think your son is old enough to understand the fact that you've been friends with him for a long time, and are justfriends. I am not sure that's the issue, or is it?
What do YOU want?
Do you want him to stay at your house? Would you rather invite him out for dinner or lunch or meet up another time when he's near the area?
Where else would he sleep- if your son wasn't home? The couch in the living room?
I think someone who seems to enjoy fishing so much would probably also enjoy camping (a guess, as I really have no affinity for either) and maybe you could suggest a local campsite?
Moody- who's thinking there might be bigger fish to fry here
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Thanks, Moody! I love the last line about frying the fish.
Your question, "What do YOU want?" is actually huge for me. Because even though shrimps has faith that I would put him in his place, I was not always that way. I used to just worry about pleasing a man and dump my whole world upside down for that and that would include going to bed together too soon, too. I never looked for the signs of a guy being that into me and basically just accepted bad behavior.
But now that I have been on my own for a while, I am starting to put myself first and be a little more selfish. I really do not want him to spend the night with us - I do feel that is a little too forward for where we are in our friendship and given our past.
So this is a silly but huge step - that I put myself first. It really is about what we want and about setting boundaries.
Way to go, Judy!
But please don't see that setting boundaries as "being selfish". And don't ever feel guilty about setting boundaries. I hear just what you're saying though- because I have had the same struggles with pleasing others and then feeling like I am always selling myself short by not setting boundaries that need to be set. I still struggle with that on some days and in certain situations. I've also discovered that by maintaining boundaries that make ourselves feel sane and safe and real- rather than giving in to others' wants- and left feeing used or weak or passive- that doesn't mean we are "selfish". That only means we are being honest with ourselves and doing what it takes to remain true to ourselves. I've given up enough of myself in the past.. sometime so much that I look in the mirror and wonder just WHO it is I was looking at, because my life at that point was living it for this person or that person and doing what others expected of me- not what **I** truly wanted.
So in my rambling way, I'm just saying that I know what you mean in this situation. Your gut says "no, I don't want him staying here" and it's clear as glass. But your people-pleasing side is tossing the mud onto that glass and saying that you can't say "no" otherwise you're hurting someone else. But really- by saying "no" to him staying over isn't being selfish. It's just simply being true to yourself and what you feel you need. It's not like you're being outrightly mean or difficult or vengeful in any way. It's just simply what you feel and it wouldn't be a good idea. Go with it.
This is one of those life lessons I wish I'd have learned in my 20's rather finding out just how important this is in my late 30's. I see this overwhelming 'people-pleasing' trait to be partially destructive in my marriage, as well as maintaining it. (My marriage surely would not have last those 7 yrs had I not been such a people-pleaser-- but my marriage also wouldn't have withstood the boundary-setting because my ex hated not having his way.) If fact, if I would've been "selfish" and stood my ground on what was true to my self... I'd never have gotten married in the first place. It was like my marriage was a great match for developing and maintaining our bad traits... but it was not a good match to nurturing and growing our good traits. It was like we were both self-destructing as long as we stayed together, rather than us growing better together. It is SOOO clear now- and I'm surprised I never saw it before (when I was deep IN it).
So anyway- feel free to stand your ground, girl. You're not being 'evil' or 'mean' by saying "no" to him!! And he's a grown man... he can handle the "no" and can find his own place to stay.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thank you Shrimps - you know I really agree so much with your post and see an exact mirror of myself with your words. And also with the situation with my marriage. I think I was a door mat to my exh and his family.
I just sent a note to Fisherman explaining that my son and I have social plans this weekend but we wish him all the best on his fishing expeditions.
I told my babysitter this morning and she agreed with me, too.
THANKS to everyone!!
Do you know, I think your last post to me- "But now that I have been on my own for a while, I am starting to put myself first and be a little more selfish. I really do not want him to spend the night with us - I do feel that is a little too forward for where we are in our friendship and given our past." WHY is that selfishness?
We are constantly giving advice to others to take time for themselves, find out what they really want, do what matters to them, etc.- are we telling them to be selfish? I don't think so. I also don't think I'm selfish. I think I'm person with rights.
You are a person with rights. You are not being selfish to determine which overnight guests you have in YOUR home. Just because someone might not like it, or it might not coincide with the plans someone else thought they would like, or it might hurt someone's feeling doens't make YOU selfish- maybe HE'S the selfish one for inviting himself in the first place.
I think society teaches women to always be hospitable and welcoming, at their own expense. We're to put others' needs before ours. When we learn that we aren't happy doing that, and start doing otherwise, we're made to feel selfish, not neccessarily by society, but by ourselves, as it goes against what we've been subconsciously learning all of our lives.
Moody- who isn't anyone's doormat, and isn't selfish for feeling that way, either.
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