S.O.S. !!! HELP !!! .....
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S.O.S. !!! HELP !!! .....
| Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:08am |
Feck. I am freaking out. In a nutshell, WHAT do i WANT? I vascillate b/w
"this is too early to make a commitment" to as my work friends say "Uh, HELLO! When something drops into your lap, dont throw it away!".
"this is too early to make a commitment" to as my work friends say "Uh, HELLO! When something drops into your lap, dont throw it away!".


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Hey R-
Okay, then just look at the facts (not the what-can-be's or what-might-happen's):
~A doesn't know about C- and isn't open to the idea of you dating (much less having a serious boyfriend).
~You know you're not ready to jump into any serious relationship yet.
~C is aware of all of this and is treading carefully (great plus for him!)
~You've dated him only 2 months, and not exclusively.
So I'm thinking that 2 months is still too early to really dive into thinking permanently. Unfortunately, C is starting to lean that way, it seems. It's obvious he is toying with the idea- just not sure what it is YOU want. As for you, it's obviously too early. The good thing is though- that C is probably going to be a man who would be understanding and patient enough to wait for you to be ready. He is "that into you" that he probably won't like taking a step back, but I think if you have a talk with him, he will understand and will wait.
On the other hand though- I don't think he would enjoy waiting for you if you're still sleeping with other men. I think he's someone who can wait only if he knows you're with only him. But I'm just guessing on that part- only he knows for sure.
I also think that you have the potential of something/someone great there- and don't just push him out the door! But I surely wouldn't push you two together just yet, either. Just take time. What's 2 months?? It's a BLINK in the dating world (IMO) when it comes to really knowing someone well. You've barely scratched the surface of knowing each other well enough to know if there is a future or not.
Keep talking (it's great that he is so willing to talk about things!) and keep things honest (you want him to know you as you are, things as things are- not what you'd LIKE for your situation to be). I'm sure he is grown-up enough to hear it.
If he is genuine and truly cares for you, he will wait until you're ready to commit. And that includes the whole readiness of A, too.
As for M... he is an @SS and he won't ever change. You could be dating or single or remarried or even go lesbian... and he will still find *something* to be angry about. I know he is a concern (because he is so disturbing) but don't let HIS REACTION be a factor in you choosing what you want/need in your life.
There's my 2 cents (or a quarter's worth). But I'm happy for you that you have had all this time to enjoy C and his attention! Savor it all!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think you are going to have to sleep on this and take a step back and evaluate what you want to do with your life. You have to be honest with him and yourself.
How long ago was your divorce? Do you have custody/visitation going smoothly?
I see 2 issues:
ONE:
I think you should do what it takes to get your exh REALLY separate from you so you don't have to worry about that. This just takes the action of setting boundaries and time itself. When he does something or says something inappropriate you have to say so and hang up or leave. Do not get into a tit for tat.
Granted you cannot control his actions. But you can control the info that goes to him - and that means NOT including your daughter if you cannot trust her to keep quiet.
TWO:
What do you really want in your dating life? Do you want to date a lot of people - just have social interaction and fun? Or date to find the right one and be settled in a happy relationship?
I think he is right that intimacy has a price - it does tend to make you move very fast emotionally. Personally I cannot keep those two separate so I know I would not be intimate without being sure I wanted exclusivity with someone and that they would grant me that. But that is just me - I am older and have made a lot of mistakes in the past and know what I want.
I think for now that you should figure out what you want and then tell him that. I think it is too soon to introduce him to your daughter - you will have to do that when you are very sure about him so you can withstand the repercussions and not care because you know he is the one. I also think that at this time you need to do your homework with your exh because the only thing he should be allowed to comment on is your daughter. You also have to keep your private life private.
Hope this helps - you do have a lot of things to sort out.
He sounds nice- I would be tempted to give him a chance and also to talk to him and find out what you both want out of life to see if you are a good fit for each other.
Because of all the X and kid issues, plus my lack of experience w/men in general, I had the intention of dating in a casual way, nothing serious. But I found I can't be physically intimate with more than one guy at a time. I wish I could, it would be freeing for me, plus meet my high libido needs. LOL I am glad I have been able to meet someone who I can feel that way about and who feels the same way about relationships as I do. I think Carlos is opening the dialog, he is realizing that you both feel a bond forming, but he also senses your reserve and he has his own reservations. You are someone he can fall in love with, but is it destined to not work out because of the differences in your lives? He is attracted to your free and easy spirit, but he is a man, he's going to want you to himself. You are only 39, do you want to take a chance on this one man or do you want to still experiment, sow those wild oats? Will you regret not having taken the chance? Again, IMO you have time, if this doesn't work out, you can go back to playing the field.
The issue with your daughter is difficult, but at some point she will have to accept you have a private adult life. My BF has this same problem w/D11. She is encouraged by her mother to push the issue w/ dad, mom says dad doesn't need to have any girlfriends til D11 graduates from HS. I have met his girls once, they think I'm nice, but the younger one is experimenting with how much she can call the shots. The basic psychologist's response to this is that parents need to start setting boundaries with their kids from the beginning, acknowledge the child's feelings, but be firm that adults will have adult friends, and need privacy just like kids desire privacy as they get older. I agree w/ previous posts that one waits til it's serious before introducing someone as your boyfriend. And keeping it low key, activity oriented the first few times is helpful. What M is doing now is occaisionally mentioning me as he would any other adult friend and working towards building some privacy boundaries. The next time I anticipate having contact w/his kids would be at the holidays.
I'd be blunt and ask Carlos exactly what is it he's trying to say. Where does he want this thing to go? Then decide if you are on the same page. I was/am terrified to let myself fall in love again, but I know it is better to have felt that way and lost it again than to never feel that way again.
It is nice that you can relate because you are in the same boat. This is what this board is all about!
One thing I thought of after reading your post is what to say to a prospective date about WHY your past relationship failed and WHY you are a single mom.
It has been my experience that this is NOT an opportunity to seek validation from a dating partner - that you have to gain for yourself in your own mind. I think this is what you meant by not wanting to play victim.
I think that each of us has to take the time to reflect about what BOTH parties did wrong to get you to this boat. Was it just youth and a poor pick in a partner? Was it not setting boundaries and worrying more about the other person than yourself? How can you sum it up to show that you both did the best you could but it didn't work out - but you both got something good out of it and are doing the best you can to move on?
For me, it was definitely a case of not knowing myself and picking the wrong partner. I didn't set boundaries. And exh came from a whole set of very different family values and expectations than me. We have both moved on - and do the best job of parenting DS that we can.
We are all human and can make mistakes. But what we do with those mistakes - to turn them into a further drama/trauma or to learn and make them into something fruitful, is up to us.
I know that when I do meet someone and he asks me about WHY I am divorced, I will be able to explain it just as I did in that paragraph above - and I don't seek his validation - only his understanding. He can accept it - or not - that is his choice.
I hope this makes sense.
Everyone handles this touchy subject as best they can. I find that men in general, as they get to know me, can't help but want to protect me from my X, because of his current behavior, not stuff from the past. I refuse to talk about the specifics of why it didn't work out with my X because it is so awful. It is humiliating. What I say is that we married young and the people we chose to become were not compatible.
In a nutshell: We met and fell in love as teenagers, we waited til after college to marry, we came from very similar families, had similar goals, ambitions, drive, political/religious views, dreams, values. We made a stunning looking couple, no problems in the bedroom. We have 3 great kids- bright, athletic, musically and artistically talented. We were financially very, very successful. We had good times to be sure, but over time his personality became more and more narcissistic. He became cruel and abusive, not just towards me but also towards our oldest son, who is much like me in personality. He drank more and more, totally checking out of any kind of intimacy on the intellectual level with me, then had an affair w/my worst enemy. We gave counseling a shot, the counselors finally said I needed to get out, he was not going to be the person he was, he was toxic for me. He has narcissist personality disorder plain and simple. He thinks he's God, afterall, he's a Reproductive Endocrinologist, he creates life! HIS MOTHER said she was proud of me for standing up to him and escaping after our divorce mediation session. What I had to work on most in counseling after filing for divorce was the issue of blame. I wanted to know what I did to screw up so badly. I accept fault too easily. He chose to do what he did, it had nothing to do with me. I am not responsible for his drinking, his choice to have an affair, his verbal/emotional and finally physical abuse, or his disaster of a relationship w/ S18. I am not responsible for his lack of ethics, both personally and professionally. I am a very tolerant and optimistic person, I refuse to let my failed marriage make me jaded. I am certainly not seeking validation from anyone, I am perfectly aware of my shortcomings. I strive each day to be a better person. But because I am a goal oriented, ambitious, successful, independant, confident person- I refuse to be seen as a victim, which is what guys who dig for the specifics start to view me as. I don't want a knight to rescue me, I've already rescued myself.
I identify with Rebecca's situation because I understand it isn't just what caused the split in her marriage that she has to cope with telling Carlos or anyone she becomes more seriously involved with, it is the continued problems with her X that anyone involved with her will have to deal with. My BF does not understand how I stay calm when my X pulls one of his control freak/ drama to the max stunts. When a guy sees what the crazy X does, it just doesn't jive with the impression of me that they have:"you are smart and beautiful, how'd you end up with that nut?"
I too am leery of becoming too serious,too soon. I wish I had Rebecca's free spirit attitiude about sex. But I've always been part of a couple so I guess that is where I am most comfortable. So far, M and I are on the same page, he may have been ready to commit to just me before I was ready to be exclusive, but he understood- called it my due diligence dating. He may flake out tomorrow, one never knows, but so far, I am glad I chose to give a relationship with him a chance.
Divorce was just this past Sept. BUT ... he has been out of the hosue since Feb 2005 AND I was emotionally out of that marriage LONG b4 I had him taken out by the sherrif for DV.
Custody & Visitation is a nitemare.
Im sorry you have the same type of X. CRAZY, isnt it!?!
Glad to know your story Honey.
Rebecca,
First off, the pictures of you and Ave are awesome!!!
Second, don't blame yourself too much with your ex husband.
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