Broaching the dating subject with dd ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Broaching the dating subject with dd ...
18
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:17pm

Where is the "EeeeeK!" icon? lol


I met with dd's counselor yesterday b/c I MUST let her know i am dating. If she ever heard it from someone else ... she would lose so much trust in me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:41pm
When my son was small he would do the very same thing. Even now as an adult he's still not wild about the idea ( No one's good enough for Mom). I just kept spending extra time with him, reassuring him that no one could ever replace him and reinforcing with him the idea that not all dating leads to marriage. I would have male platonic friends visit socially and little by little he got it that not every guy was a boyfriend. His father used to tell him negative things about if I ever had a boyfriend or remarried, so it was an uphill battle for me.
Just keep doing what you're doing with the love, reassurance and therapy. Slowly you will see her become more comfortable with the idea, and adapt. She's still so young, and her reactions to your situation actually sound pretty normal.
Hang in there above all else be consistent, it will all work out in time.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:00pm

I would spend a lot of one on one time with her - and always reassure her that she will always have a great mommy and daddy who love her and who are always there for her - even though they live in separate houses.

I would always point out to my son that he has a great set of parents - and not all married parents are great - it only matters that you have 2 that are - not that they are together. We did see an example of not such a great set at a restaurant once and that was when I brought this up.

When he was only 6 I never discussed my dating. He knew that I had playdates where a bf would come to dinner - just like he had playdates. But none of the bfs ever became discussion for marriage material so I never brought that up.

I did aim to keep my private life private from him and my exh. I found that easy to do. Partly because I work out a lot and the babysitter was always there for that. In his eyes, most of my bfs were friends and training partners. I didn't feel that he needed to fear any more marriages or divorces or changes to his life. I always promoted his relationship and happiness and securty with his dad.

I would not seek validation from my child for this matter - but that is just me.

NOw that he is older he knows not to tell his dad my business. And he knows that I will not date anyone that would jeopardize his life and that I am picky.

But dating has really taken a back seat to my life - I mean - my goal is my goals and to get out there - and if I meet someone in the process that is great - and if not that is great. So we have had a lot of time to have the dust settle.

Meanwhile the exh was dating a girl and did too much too fast too soon and upset my son. He made him babysit her little boy. Gave up their time together in favor of spending with the gf and her son and just in general upset my son. After all that they broke up. I know I would not put my son through that mess - at the very least it is a good story for this board on what NOT to do!! LOL!!

Hope this rambling helps somehow!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:07pm

The funny thing is that all this talk about dating and online dating got my curiousity up for match.com last night.

So, I logged in and updated my profile. And then did the dreaded search of men in my age group in this area.

Which prompted a blucko blucko blucko for all that I read. I think I am just so set in my activities and ways that I can't give them up. I mean, I am very athletic now - on a competitive level - and just have to have someone who is active.

If I typed the list of don't wants you would all laugh at me. But that is just me (and please don't be insulted if one of them apply to you!!). I don't want someone who fishes all day, rides a motorcycle, smokes, is looking for more kids, looks like he could be my dad, is agnostic, or who travels a lot. That pretty much wipes out the whole lot here.

So, this morning after some very gross winks, I shut off the profile.

Perhaps I just went on too many blind dates in the 3 years after my divorce? I mean, I do have some pretty funny stories and memories of those.

On the bright side, however, all hope is not lost. Because I get to read your stories - and love them!!

AND I have scheduled all of my athletic events here locally by myself - that should help!! Also joined 2 new sporting clubs that have socials. And found some new training partners. So all hope is not lost dear readers!! :-)

I think the online thing works very well if you are looking to have more kids or are younger - at least that is my nonscientific observation. But I think my babymaking days are now past - and I am okay with that. I turn 45 this year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:24pm
West - after all the posts I've ever read about your online dating attempts, I agree it's just not for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:31pm

Rlch - I have to think that part of the problem is what your ex says to dd about you and dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:05pm
Isn't it the most frustrating thing to sit back and watch your ex make (what you think are) mistakes, then wait for the fall out from the kids? My ex was remarried less than 6 months after we divorced. They are coming up on their 2 yr anniversary, and I always say I really hope it works out b/c I don't want my kids to go through it again. Just last night my 9 y/o asked me what would happen to them if Daddy got divorced again? Would they have to move again? Where would they go? I know she's asking me b/c he won't entertain any questions like that. He tells her just a curt "That won't happen" or something else that she doesn't understand. She's a worrier anyway, so I don't want her to have that vague fear of the unknown. So I dance around it saying my house will be the same, and they could stay with me more if they wanted, but I didn't think he would be getting divorced. Ugh. How much I hate having to be supportive and optimistic about his new wife. But like someone else mentioned, they will see the negative sides of their dad on their own, and hopefully they will respect me more for not bad mouthing him...hopefully.
Sheesh
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:56pm

When I first tried it I thought it was a blast. I mean, how cool to find so many men looking for a date.

My very first pen name and profile was meant to attract the most responses - maybe it has to do with my successful marketing techniques for sales.

Anyway, as I have progressed, I have learned that I do have preferences. Like after talking to a guy that was agnostic, I discovered I could not deal with that. And after dating a guy that was in his late 40s and was never married and had a lot of issues from his past, I could not deal with that. And after talking to a guy who travels all the time and basically wants a roll in the hay when he is in town - couldn't deal with that. Then there was the guy who was separated - and many more newly divorced and basically just looking for sex. Like Wow! You mean everyone is not looking for a RELATIONSHIP? NO? OH!! That in itself was a big lesson.

And in the mean time I have discovered my own talents and interests as a human being. And I like that and want a mirror of what I have to offer.

So now I am now selective and mature in my process. My profile reflects that now - who I really am. And that is good. Because if you are who you really are - I mean really at your best - you will attract the right person who sees and values your strengths - instead of just being a sex object and getting a lot of unqualified responses.

My looksies were hilarious - I did have a good laugh!! And especially at some of the pix. So many guys put pix of them with former gfs. Or half nude. Or very young. And some blatantly lie about their age.

But at the very best from online dating, I received invaluable - I mean totally PRICELESS - dating philosophies and practice and experience. I mean, I learned how to dress fast for a first date - how to observe how they treat other people and talk about themselves and their past relationships - how to carry on conversation with anyone and how to find out the basics about someone without interrogating them.

I also learned how to decline further dates graciously.

And I did have 2 meaningful relationships. One even took me to a far away island with his house on the ocean - how cool is that? Very cool!!

But now I am ready for the real thing? Or maybe not? As I told my sitter today, I realized I am in a great place - I have a lot of time to train for my sport and can attain goals that many in relationships cannot because they don't have this time. So we will see!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 12:10am

Rebecca,


I agree with Judy and Jennie- you really should keep your private life private, and if you don't teach Averey what "dating" is, she won't really get upset.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 7:27am

Actually, maybe I didnt make myself clear - thats pretty muh how I intend to do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:15am

She sounds smart like her mama!! :-)

Do you like this neighbor? I like what you write about him!!

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