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| Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:15am |
I am a single mom of a beautiful soon-to-be 4 year old daughter. She is the single most amazing little human being, and brings me pure joy and purpous in life. We have no contact with her father by his choice and haven't since she was 10 months old.
About 1 year ago, I decided that I should begin dating again. After a couple of miserable attempts at blind-dating, I turned to online dating services. This resulted in me meeting a man from a neighboring town about 1 hour away. This man is a bachelor with no children in his life or in his past. Getting used to having a child in his life has been a very rough transition for him, and my daughter and I have felt the brunt of this for 10 months now. Don and I have been recently going to couples therapy. I decided to undergo this effort, because I convinced myself that if I were to have ANY future with this man - this was a necessary step.
At the very least, he has been very awkward around my daughter, at times jealous, and unable to accept my role as a parent or my boundaries surrounding that. He is constantly saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He actually tells me that I should feel lucky to have a man like him love me, and that any single mom would be lucky to have him! He has been pushing me to move in with him, so that he can help me with my finances and parenting. I am not sure that this would be a wise step for me and my daughter.
I feel this way because He has been VERY critical of my parenting style and what he perceives as my daughter's serious behavior problems. I, like any mom, love my daughter with all that I have. I don't see her occasional bossiness and temper tantrums as "serious behavior problems." I see these as somewhat typical of a three, almost four year old girl. I also believe with all my heart that I am a great mom. What can I say, I was born for this role. My daughter has definately made me a better person and brought out my true potential.
I have repeatedly asked this man to respect my boundaries in this area, but he repeatedly criticizes me. I know taht I should consider the source and realize that he has no practical experience in this area, but I am very saddened. He has recently emailed me a three- page letter detailing all of his criticisms. Each word cut like a knife, and I am still reeling in pain from this. My counselor suggests that instead of feeling pain, I should funnel this into anger and get pissed off for once.
I need help! I am so disheartened. I have given this guy all of my effort, patience and loving and I am no not at all certain which way to go. My heart tells me that I can not be truly happy with someone who doesn't like me as a mom.
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Hi, and welcome to the board! I really hope everyone chimes in, but here's my opinion:
Anyone who doesn't respect your boudaries doesn't respect you. Don't move in with him. I'm not even sure I would continue dating him. He obviously doesn't understand children. I have a 5 year old daughter who STILL thinks she's the queen of the known universe at times. That doesn't make me a bad mother, it makes her a headstrong child, which is something to be proud of.
I actually celebrate my daughter's willfullness (and occassionally lament it) because when she's older she'll have the staying power needed to survive this crazy world and stand up to people trying to push her around. Children are people. Not possessions to be put in a place and patted on the head. They have opinions and emotions, they have personalities all their own. Disclipline should mirror that- not break their will to make them something someone else wants them to be.
You see this, your boyfriend does not. You'll never be able to agree on this, I don't think. I'm not even sure it's because he's never had a child in his life- lots of people who never had children just intuitively know how to deal with children, and others don't.
I feel, after reading your post a few times, that you know this man isn't for you, but since you've put so much effort into it, you don't want to just give up. I can certainly understand that. I also feel that moving in would make him the controller, which is exactly what he wants. It would be a huge mistake. You don't need anyone helping you with your finances, telling you how to be a mother, or criticizing your parenting. That will not only undermine your faith in yourself, but it will also undermine your daughter's faith in you.
Think of this as a learning experience. You've learned that dating might be right for you, but this man isn't. Now you know another characteristic you don't want, which is a good thing.
Moody- so not willing to be controlled
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Hi there. The original poster said her child had occasional temper tantrums, and was occasionally bossy. I said my child thought she was the queen of the world at times. I didn't say I let her rule the world, just that she thought she was queen. And I am proud that she has an opinion.
I know I'm not too lenient for my family, and I think an occassional temper tantrum is to be expected. I don't rule with an irnon fist, but my children still respect my boundaries. They also know how to respectfully tell me their opinions, which is something the OP's daughter will learn as she gets older.
Everyone parents differently. I am proud my children have opinions and feel free to tell them to me, I wouldn't change that for anything. If I do nothing else in this world, my children will know I valued them as people always, not just as children who were expected to fall in line with whatever I said because I was the mother and said so.
Moody- who believes that children are people, too
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Heavena, I think you know in your heart what you need to do. He sounds like a very controlling man, and doesn't respect your boundaries. I can understand a man plowing over your wishes if you just stood by and didn't say anything (how would he know??) but if you've SAID to him that he has overstepped his boundaries, and asked him to leave the situation up to you- and he still sends you a 3-page critical letter(!?!?? OMG!)... then it's obvious that he doesn't respect your wishes. He ignores your boundaries, and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that he doesn't respect your dd either. That'd be a deal-breaker to me- especially if he doesn't even TRY to curb or change that. How is he in couples therapy? Is he the perfect partner in front of the counselor? Or does this critical side show up there as well? And if it does, what does the counselor say about it?
I think alot of it depends on whether he will always have to be the "right one" who is in charge, or if he can change and learn to co-parent with you, knowing that you might have differing methods of parenting.
It irks me that he is so critical of you and your parenting skills when he isn't even a parent himself. My ex was like that. Always had something to say about how his nephews were being raised- when he hasn't raised any kids of his own yet. And now that we do have our kids, I'm still pretty much the one raising them while he just visits. But by God, he still has things to say! I just blow him off on the things that are waaay off the deep end. lol
My gut says to RUN!!! But the choice is up to you. If you choose to stay with him though- I'm sure there'll be times when the controller in him will rear its head again and again. I see my ex in there- and so now I see the warning signs I didn't see before!
Hugs,
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Beware of any man who thinks he's doing you a favor by dating you!!!! He's a control freak. Your life will turn into HELL if you live with this man. Control freaks get more controlling the more you depend upon them. Life gets harder when you move in. Life gets even harder if you marry one.
Ummmmmmm, single moms can find many great guys to date them. I left one jerk because he said I wouldn't find anyone to date me since I'm a single mom. He made almost 3x the amount of money that I make. I decided I didn't need him or his money. I left him and never looked back. I'm dating a great guy now (custodial father who understands what it takes to be a parent).
Do not waste time on couple's therapy. Get out of this relationship. You'll do better with someone else. Trust me.
I have heard a wise saying from an old grandmother, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."
And so, my advise to you, along with a big welcome that you found this board, is to forget him as fast as you can.
NO MAN ON THIS PLANET is worth sacrificing the proper parenting of a child in my opinion. I think from what you write that he is obviously clueless about a healthy and nurturing parent-child bond, a toddler's development or a parent's boundaries. I would not want to subject my child to such a man nor would I want to consider subjecting future children with him. I would consider this a big fat deal breaker.
You are NOT LUCKY to have him - but you will be lucky and wise to ditch him in my opinion. All of the counseling in the world is not going to make him change his opinion/way of looking at things.
NEXT!
Keep us posted - we are always here for you and only want to see the best for our single moms.
There are plenty of men who will love you both - and plenty of women here who have found them. Have faith!!
Heavena,
Do you remember the Lost in Space TV series, with the robot with the flailing arms? "Danger! Danger! Danger!" That is the mental image I get when I hear about controlling guys like your BF. My X was like that and he just got worse over time. It is very difficult to step back and look at this situation objectively when you're deep in it. You're seeking counseling and advice on this board, that should tell you that you already know what you should do. If you want validation, you got it. You deserve a guy who loves you, that means is supportive, gives you positive feedback, respects you, especially in front of your child. He may criticize your parenting now but eventually it will be EVERYTHING. I don't care if the kid is he!! on wheels, it is not his place to chastise you about your kid or your parenting skills.
1. Men are a dime a dozen, there are plenty of decent guys out there, there is one who will love you as you are. Don't settle for anything less. I've got 2 teens, a toddler, and a psycho control freak X and I have no problems finding boyfriends.
2. Mr. Right will build you up, not tear you down. Do things to build up your self esteem, when you believe in yourself you won't be prey to the control freaks of this world.
3. It takes seriously negligent parenting to screw up kids. Every family dynamic is unique, what works for me may not work for you. Heck, what worked for S18 did not work for S15, and I'm learning all over again with D2.75!
Guess what? Yesterday S18 came home from school and proceeded to have a full blown melt down because his cell phone wasn't working. I just gave him "The Look". He stopped dead in his tracks, then laughed , "Sorry to act like a 2 year old, I'm just really hungry and really frustrated". He made himself a sandwich and then was able to discuss rational solutions to his phone problem. As my boys will tell anyone, their mom's big things are self discipline and logical consequences. I don't try to control them, they are expected to control themselves.
My BF and I don't always agree on one another's parenting choices, we do however, support one another as parents and accept that we have different styles and very different kids. Hold out for someone who respects your choices.
Way to go, Queenbun! I have to say I totally agree with everything you said- and the way you said it! Good job!
But I have to ask... what's "The Look"??? You have to teach me that one! lol! Okay, so maybe I already have "The Look" down- but maybe my 9-yr old and 6-yr old just don't have the BRAKES yet to actually stop themselves when they see The Look. hehe I'll have to keep working on it... ;-)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
"The Look" LOL, yes, my brother-in-law is the one who pointed out that my sister and I have this look that gets the attention not only of our kids, but in their case his attention as well. I guess it kind of says, "you really don't want me to comment on that behavior, do you? Soooo, knock it off!"
Honey - RUN, FAST. This is only the BEGINNING of hell, if you stay with him.
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