This time I'm the jerk....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
This time I'm the jerk....
7
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 11:53am

Hi All,

So, I thought I'd confess. Have I mentioned a guy friend who I made out with one night... Well, now I'm the jerk. I don't know how to let this person down easy or have the "let's just be friends" conversation... So, I ignored him hoping he would get the hint.

I have this favorite karaoke place that I go to often (I'm going tonight actually). This person has been a casual aquaintance for a couple months. He's cute but much younger. He once told me about how he looking for something serious and actually wants to get married sooner rather than later. Like I said, we've been friends, but a couple weeks ago (before Halloween) I had a little to drink and he was talking about being a vampire for Halloween. So jokingly, he demonstated how he would bite my neck. Well, I thought it was a joke. He apparently took it more serious. The biting lead to a makeout session... which I now regret. But how was I suppose to know that I wouldn't develop "feelings" for him. Obviously, I'm not at the same place as he is... ie I'm not looking to get married again so soon. But he looks at me funny and acts weird around me and I don't know how to just say... "let's just be friends." So I'm the jerk now, I guess.

Any helpful suggestions. I don't want to avoid my favorite hangout just because he's there, too. But now he's just annoying. My girl friend said he told her that I'm not paying any attention to him. So he got the hint but now what?

Thanks,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:05pm

I would find a way to have a conversation with him and say he is a nice guy and you appreciate his interest - but you are confused right now from your divorce and just can't be with anyone. It is not about him - it is you.

He will get over it and then you will both enjoy the same hangout - and he can move on to the one who is right for him.

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:56pm
I'd just tell him. Flat out you are flattered but not wanting anything. Only thing you want is your freedom and happiness before you even look at a guy that way. It will be werid for awhile but eventually he will find someone else to like. You said he was younger. They have short attention spans and he will move on quickly. Have fun and just tell him the truth. That is what I would do and have done. And depending on how much younger I like to tell the young ones if I wanted a kid that age I would have had one. LOL. It works like a charm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:21pm

Thanks all for the suggestions. Unfortunately, the ole "I have 5 kids" didn't scare this guy away. Can you believe it? And he's been known to pine over someone for months.... He had a crush on my friend, I mentioned, for months before he finally gave up on her and moved on to me... She said he's very sensitive and that it's my fault because I kissed him. But I told her that it was just a kiss, not a marriage proposal. I did think he was cute and sweet but after the kiss, I didn't feel anything. But that seems so mean to say and the "just friends" thing still seems harsh. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not responsible for his reaction.

One part of me knows I should say something about "look, I don't want anything more than a friendship" or "it's not you, it's me" to him. But another part of me just couldn't say those words. Either way, I feel like a jerk.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:43pm

I'm probably too late for any meeting you'll have with him tonight, but think of this as if the shoe were on the other foot.
Would you want a guy you were crushing on and had made out with to totally ignore you, or simply tell you honestly that he wasn't in a place in his life where he wanted a relationship, and didn't know how long it would be before he was? I might also add that though I didn't regret the kiss, had I not been drinking, my better judgement may have taken over and it probably wouldn't have happened, since I wouldn't have wanted to cause any confusion, and that I'm sorry if I had caused confusion. Alcohol has been blamed for many worse things than a kiss, trust me!
Good luck, keep us posted!

Moody


Powered by CGISpy.com
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 7:33am
You can not control someone eles reactions. If we could life would be great. BE honest. Too harsh maybe is what that boy needs. I'm a little wary of a guy that is not scared off a little by kids. Espically if they don't have their own. Some guys are just great dad's and love kids and some guys see you having kids means you will be their mom too. Tell this guy it is him and not you. A kiss is just that. He needs to grow up and know just because he has a crush on someone doesn't mean they will return the affection. See that would be harsh and I've done that. Tell him he is a sweet kid but to you that is all he will ever be. Tell him you are sorry that he got the wrong impression and that you will not cross that line again. And find him a girl. That works like a charm. Help redirect that focus a bit. Then again I can't get a guy to give me the time of day except my ex.gag puke.LOL. But, I do konw what I want and won't take less. I wish you the best dear but me I'd be honest and tell him exactly what I was thinking and to grow up. I've earned the right to be who I am and own what I think so I don't mind telling people what that is and I'll defend it too. My dad always told me don't say something you are not willing to stand behind and defend. Just what I'd do. Goodluck dear. HUGS>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 12:00pm

Hi,

For those curious about how last night went... The good news is that he did get the hint. I saw him but he pretty much left me alone. At one point he came up to me to say hi. But it wasn't akward. It was friendly and short. He didn't hang around. So, I didn't see the need to have "the" conversation.

I was able to have a good conversation with someone new but he left early. I was bummed. I questioned myself if I should have asked for his number, but then thought... well, I suppose if he was truly interested he would have a) stayed longer to talk more or b)asked me for my number. But today, I think I should have just been bold and asked for his number when i saw that he was paying his tab and probably leaving. So, note to self, after having a pleasant conversation with an attractive man... Ask for his number. LOL.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:07pm

Loony, I still haven't found the courage to ask a guy for his number. There have been plenty of times where I get the vibe that a guy's into me, but for whatever reason (maybe not into me enough?) he doesn't ask for mine. I haven't ever been able to figure out a way to gracefully ask for his. Maybe I'm just not built that way, but I guess I've just always felt that if he were that into me, he'd ask me. Wish I was the type who could ask a guy, so if you are, more power to you!

Moody


Powered by CGISpy.com