unfamiliar territory
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| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:19am |
Hi, I've never been on here before, but I'm hoping I can get your opinions!!
I'm 26, single mother of a great 8 yr old boy. I've been a single mom for 5 years- dated yes, but my main focus has been on my son, school and career.
I recently moved back to my hometown and ran into a guy I was friends with a few years ago. He said I broke his heart when I moved away. We started to see each other again and started hanging out then got more serious. He spent time with my family and I spent time with his... Then he wanted to start doing activities my son.
He wanted me to let him just be a part of my son's life... we talked about marriage and semi-discussed kids. But I was sooo nervous when it came to my son that it became a problem. For one- I don't want my son to be vulnerable, two, I can't easily back out of a relationship if my son is involved... Anyways, my easy- going attitude changed when it involved my son and I didn't want to be "affectionate" with him around my son.
Anyways, one night we went for dinner with a friend of his and his fling. I wasn't too keen about the evening/ friends/ lifestyles and must have come off sounding bitchy when we talked about it later(??) because things instantly went wrong.
The next I heard from him was that we had to "talk". Then a message that he was with friends, so we'd talk the next day. When we did talk, instead of getting into a big discussion, we chatted on the phone and without any drama, I ended up "happily agreeing" to friendship. (He had said he was "damaged goods" and couldn't do the relationship thing... but that he wasn't looking for other women and that I was perfect and that he wanted to spend time with me still... I laughed)
We continued chatting over the phone for a bit longer but didn't see each other again since then. Then I got busy with school and just didn't call him anymore- he didn't call me either.
It has been a few months now. I just recently saw himI. I was at a dance with friends I had met through him... so there was no avoiding him when he showed up. I thought I was over the whole thing but even with the time lapse, there seemed to be a strong connection- He asked why I haven't called and then took my phone number (again.. ??). He was attentive to me when we finished a dance, he leaned towards me- so weird, as though we should have kissed then he turned to kiss my shoulder. For the evening, I just tried to be very casual- not fully ignore him but not give him any extra attention, except in passing. I really had no idea how to act towards him.
Then when he left, a mutual (guy) friend, (who never spent time with us together as a couple but who has known him for much longer than I have) asked me if it was "true love" (??)
I've already rambled on so I won't go into too much more detail, promise!;
I saw him a day later and said a quick hi in passing. (My son however, turned around, gave him a hug and they talked for a minute.)
Anyways, I called the guy a few days later just to open the door to conversation. We chatted for a few minutes then he had a call on the other line (his phone always is always going). He said to 'call him' so we could go for a coffee or s/thing... I was silent because I thought I already made the move to call (but I didn't invite him to call me, either) then he said 'i'll call you' as he hung up.
So in the end, I wonder- should I call when I have time to hang out? or should I wait for him to call? I don't know if he feels unsure about calling- (I'm sure he knew I am not seeing anyone was because I recently ran into a friend of his who asked me point- blank about the "guy situation").
I wonder if the friendliness the other night was just a way to ease awkwardness? Am I making too much of this?- obviously I am! But I have no idea how to read this situation or what I should do from here... or if it's just better to let go and move on...??
Any suggestions or advice?

Hi and welcome,
I think you should stay firmly planted right where you are and only assume friendship unless he suggests otherwise. He is being wishy washy at this point and you don't want to be a yo-yo.
I also think that everything you did regarding keeping your child out of it was right on. You do have your head on right!! Good job.
When you put yourself, your child and your career FIRST, everything else falls into place.
I hope you are still getting and looking around and open to someone else - because there is a lot out there in your age group and you don't want to be stuck on just one guy who is not sure of what he is doing.
If I was you I would not even call him anymore.
Hi and welcome, cats-eyes!
From what you said, I wouldn't call him, either. He does seem like he is wishy-washy and unsure. And who knows... maybe even something "clicked" with him during that time when you and he had the double-date with his friend and 'fling'. Something where he decided that he wanted that "flinging" lifestyle too and decided he didn't want to settle down with just one person. Who knows?
But the fact is, he basically dropped out of your life then, and you know for sure that when you didn't make any moves to reel him back in (calling him after that big 'just friends' talk), then he wasn't interested enough to come around on his own. That right there tells me that you should just drop the idea of seeing him again and move on. If he ever finds himself interested and starts calling again, I'd tread with caution (and keep going by the rule of keeping your son out of it!) until he's proven himself to be more stable and less wishy-washy. He's shown you clearly that he is unsure.
I'd probably even bet that in that time when he called it 'just friends'... that he was seeing someone else. Probably found his own 'fling girl' to do like his buddy friend did, maybe? I don't see why he'd all of a sudden disappear the way he did, unless that was what he was doing. Especially after all the talk you guys had about your futures, and then to just disappear without even a call during that time. And his comment that he wasn't looking for any other women?? He just wasn't looking for any women TO KEEP, IMO. But he was looking, I'm sure. He tells you that he is "damaged goods"... because he wanted you to not pine away for him because he KNEW that he wasn't relationship material for you. I just never know of any man who'd say that unless he was trying to get the woman to do the breaking off so he wouldn't have to.
I'm thinking that you are just the type of woman he'd love to be with, if he was actually mature enough to settle down. But for now, I'd bet money that he is still wanting to party and do what his friends do, and just isn't ready for a more permanent life with anyone. You guys are just on different life time-lines right now, and it's probably wise to just let him keep on sliding on out of the picture, even if he ends up on the fringes now and then.
You deserve to date someone who is on "the same page" as you, and can hang around and BE THERE for you the way you want.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thank you sooo much for your input!! That's exactly how I see it... now to convince myself... although, now here's for the big BUT...
2 things. He had just started a business and the second business he has he works is seasonal, with his family- they're all in bed together financially with this one. Both really demand his time and cause high stress.
When we started hanging out, he kept up front about his time demands and we cooled off not jumping into a relationship right away because he had so many other things on the go and I had school- which left not much time. He has had the worst luck with girlfriends, so he also really expressed that he "didn't want to hurt me". (The last g/f left him pretty much because he wasn't around enough and another one did the similar...)
He also expressed that he didn't know how to cope with the fact that his life demanded so much of his time, and if he didn't have the time for a real relationship with me- how was he supposed to build a great one with my son. I always let him know it was ok and there was no rush for all of this to happen... Then on the way home from the evening we went out with his friend + the fling, we discussed time and I obviously said something questionable because he replied 'but I told you that's how my life is'. (oops?!)
Anyways, to make a long story short, when I was talking with him recently and he said to call, he said "yeah, call. I'm only working now (at the one business), not doing anything
else".
... does that change the initial reaction?? or should I just quit thinking about it??
I would lose his phone number and I probably wouldn't answer a call from him if I saw his name on the caller ID.
1. He is extremely busy all the time. He says he can't give you the amount of time you deserve. (this really means, you are low on his list of things to do. he might be busy on the job, but he also prefers to spend much of his free time away from you)
2. When he broke up with you, he said that he wasn't looking to date another woman and he wanted to stay friends with you..but he really dropped out of sight for quite a while. (this means, he was interested in another woman or was hoping to meet someone new. there's a good chance he did date another woman and that's why he disappeared for a while. he's sort of back now because he is alone)
3. his phone rings all the time and he'd rather take someone else's call than to talk to you for 5 minutes.
4. his poor luck with women should not make you feel sorry for him. we each have our own baggage to carry. if he's so messed up by some woman he used to date, you don't want to be in a relationship with him. you can not fix him and neither should you want to fix him.
You sound like a nice woman with a good son. You can do better than this guy. You're just stroking his ego if you have anything at all to do with him.
The right guy would not encourage you to involve your son before YOU were ready for that.