Update & would like feedback ..
Find a Conversation
Update & would like feedback ..
| Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:21am |
Seeing Carlos Friday - Sat this week (going to stay with him in Boston). I am finding ONE thing that is aggravating me - it shouldnt SUPRISE me, lol, 45


Pages
I totally think it's a great idea for you to see other guys since Carlos is waffling on the "committment" issue. There's a great couple of books out there that you should read. "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches". Bitch actually means Babe In Total Control of Herself. It basically talks about not establishing yourself as "the girlfriend" too soon and let the guy come to his own conclusions. Carlos sounds like he's just establishing boundaries right now because women have a tendency to move too fast.
I had the same "planning" issue with my boyfriend. A couple of times he would call last minute and say "the kids and I are are heading out here, call me if you want to meet up". He did that TWICE and I politely turned him down. He mentioned it to me later on because he thought I didn't want him around my kids. I told him that I wasn't saying yes to last minute plans because it's a lot for me to get my act together without notice and it makes me feel like he thought of us last minute! Grrrrr. He's much improved. He mentioned the other day that he thought it was ridiculous that I expect him to call me and invite me over and that I should just go there whenever I'm free "like you live here". Call me crazy, but I like to be invited so that I know he wants me there.
Some questions to help you sort this out - what I would ask myself:
1) Is there a reason why you want to keep dating other people?
2) Are there things you don't like about Carlos that make you want to keep dating?
3) Or do you just not want the intrusion of having to have someone in your life all the time?
I guess I am trying to find out what is more important to you.
Carlos does have a point that intimacy has a price - because I think a relationship wants to go forward - people do tend to get closer as they get to know each other. They develoop feelings for a person and they grow over time. How would you feel if he didn't call you for a few weeks because he is dating someone else? How would he feel if this was you not calling him because you are dating someone or the other two guys on match? (I agree with your assessment of the rude guy that kept you on the phone when you were tired - GOOD CALL!)
I sense that maybe you do not know what you want and after the whole horrific experience of your exh, you want to be on your own and be in control of your life for a while and have fun on the weekend and that is okay.
If Carlos could give you what you want right now - space or exclusivity - which is it that you would want from him? What do you think he wants?
I was wondering if he thinks that exclusivity right now means marriage coming up soon?
Somehow I don't think he would like it if he knew you were talking to those other guys.
I am curious to see what you do and what he says. I am sure you will handle it great because you are putting yourself first. So keep us posted. I am not sure if I have helped you - but hope I did somehow!!
This is a GREAT post - I forgot to mention the planning thing - but this says it all and is great advice.
I think that is a great book mentioned here - there was a review of it on another board and it basically said that being a %itch doesn't mean being rude - it means putting yourself first. This is a great example isysmoon - turning down their plans.
Maybe you need to do that one time for Mr. Carlos?
Yeah, I dont really WANT to be established as the "girlfriend" at this point.
1) Is there a reason why you want to keep dating other people? - I suppose b/c I feel like if he isnt sure this is something that we may work on longish term (I am NOT looking at some marriage commitment at all, but down the road I would be with someone as I really want to get remarried & have at least one more baby at some
Well, R... are you SURE you've analyzed all of this enough?? ;-)
I'm not sure if I have anything else to add that you haven't already addressed. I say to just keep talking openly with him (and thankfully he seems to be doing the same with you) and whatever goes unsaid on his part- I think it's because he just isn't sure about it yet. Like the commitment part. I still think he's leaving a door open and is fearful of closing off himself into anything permanent, even though exclusivity works well for him.
And you seem pretty well aware of that 'feature' of Carlos... and you're keeping your doors open, too. I think that's probably the best way unless/until he figures out what HE wants for sure. And for you to decide that a marriage-headed commitment is where you're wanting to head, too.
In the meantime, long-term commitments are not in the picture, and as far as "wasting your time" now without a guarantee that it'll lead to a future... I think ANYONE dating would deal with that exact thing. There ARE no guarantees. Even with Hiker and I... we are not talking marriage AT ALL, but we are definitely exclusive and not looking for anyone else. So whether we might find ourselves breaking up one day and thinking we "wasted" all this time dating each other without a set future as the end point?? Nope... I will never regret time spent with him because it is NOT wasted time, even if marriage isn't the end point. I don't think a good relationship spent with someone nice can be considered wasted time. Even if it's short-term... you're still learning, growing and gaining from it.
I say to just enjoy the ride and keep doing the honest and open talks.
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think you are one smart cookie with what you write here.
My only advice to you is to keep the relationship at the level he chooses. If you are not exclusive - then don't plan every weekend with him. I think it is time that you plan to have a few weekends away from him and not get too attached. It is okay to turn him down and a healthy thing here. I think your worries with him are right on and you have to keep your own feelings in check.
I would keep pursuing other dates until you find one that is totally into you that sees a future with you no questions asked. Because if you wait, there IS such a one out there. Maybe Carlos will decide to be that one? Or maybe not? There is nothing you can do about that. And in my opinion he has had ample time to grab you. The 45 and never married thing would make me more nervous.
Don't figure your birthday and holidays into this. The reason I say that is because it would be too easy to waste more time on him because of that.
lol- Shrimpy "not a waste of time", Cl-west "be careful not to waste time" ... lol
He gives you mixed signals. From what you post about him, it sounds like he has the boyfriend routine down pat. He's great in bed. He shows you a good time. It ends there.
He's 45 years old. If he wanted an exclusive relationship with you, he would have mentioned it by now. The amount of time he gives you is the extent of his commitment, which is very little.
He doesn't really care too much that you go out and date other men or make other plans because he doesn't want monogamy with you.
Pages