Curious about my story. background

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Curious about my story. background
9
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 2:29am

Well, I've posted here with positive responses, so here goes.

I'm curious how receptive a women's board would be, to be honest. Since I'm posting, anyone should be able to read my story and the dirty laundry. Otherwise, it's so much noise in the vacuum of the internet.

I'm 28, my SO is 46. We met in November 05, and hit it off. Badly, since we were both married. Nothing, other than naughty emails happened. I'd been with my husband since 16 and raised his children (3) while having 2 together. We did that with total custody of all of them. Neither of them are parents to write home about. I'm not retarded or white trash. I'm in Mensa. Apparently I have poor impulse control ;P

So, after a blowup in December 05, about the aforementioned naughty emails, and MANY other issues, we divorced. My single life is wonderful thus far. The guy I was talking to eventually divorced his wife, after an 18 yr marriage. Not to be with me, since I was dating my one rebound guy at the time. At any rate, 2 yrs later, we are together, and everyone on the outside would assume (since it was a very public blowup in our circles) that we were screwing around the whole time and destroyed two families.

So. Thats my story. I'm ok with it. I like the way this board works thus far and feel like I have something to help. I went from not knowing how my bank account worked (post it being cleaned out) to managing everything MYSELF. I'm dating someone on the very few days that I don't have my kids.

So, I'm not up for arbitrary judgment, but I won't ever be a cheerleader for something I think is detrimental. Nice to meet everyone :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 5:13am
Welcome. What a story you have - 16 was so young and I don't know how in the world you raised 5 kids. You must have patience!! As with every woman here you have a wealth of knowledge to share from what you have been through and we are happy to have you to help us. The more we have, the better we get!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 11:06am

I think everyone on this board landed here without exactly asking for it, lol.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 2:48pm

I guess I don't really know what you are looking for us to say. I personally haven't slept with a married man, nor do I ever see myself doing so, but I would not pass judgement for anyone that has, except maybe for someone that does it on a regular basis.


However, I do know we have some women that are attracted to older men, but I think I would pass more judgement on the men in your life that think it's ok to date someone as young as you were and are now. I mean if you were 16 and raising someone elses 3 children, I would think he also was quite a bit older then you were. Or I could be wrong. But the man who is now 46 dating someone who is only 28 that would ring bells.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 3:49pm
I had the same reaction here.
Not sure what you are looking for as a response. All are welcome here and you will find little judgement if any on this board.
I have issues with women dating married men or flirting with them or just tempting people to do things which start a spiral of hurt but everyone makes mistakes. Do you feel it was a mistake to start out relationships in this way? Have you had any regrets? I think you can be at peace with it and even happy in a current situation but acknowledge it having started poorly.
Being brilliant doesnt grant us judgement or experience and I too would question more the men ( like Cat did ) involved for choosing you with such an age difference and children involved. Do you feel taken advantage of having been 16 and put in the situation you described? Could you really have consented back then the way you can now, older and wiser?
We have all made mistakes. It really is more about what we learned from them in my book. But even in writing that I realize you might not see yourself in a category of people who have made mistakes either.
I have dated men older and even in the age difference you described but it became clear to me that it wasnt about me, but more about what they lacked in confidence or something they thought they could gain from being with me. Youth is a fleeting asset and I wanted to be loved for who I am. But that was my situation. Your situation could be entirely different and if you are happy I would have to guess it is very different indeed...
I am now with someone younger and this has proved wonderful for me. I dont think I would consider dating older again even if my current relationship didnt work out. But there are many on the board who lean towards older men and I think some that even are in the midst of wondering why so maybe you can shed some light on that subject!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 3:57pm
Oh wow - younger is good - I don't think I have read that in your posts - do tell us more!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 5:58pm
OH I thought I had mentioned that but maybe I didnt! He is 26 and I am 34 so there is an 8 year difference between us. We mainly see it in pop culture knowledge. I certainly know more than I would care to ( who doesnt? it is everywhere!) about what is up right now but when I refer to the Cosby show his knowledge is from that of a little boy while mine was a preteen I guess - that is just an example....I never thought I would date younger but had already kind of fallen for him in all of our impromptu meetins before I knew his age. I think he knew it was going to be a chocker but I didnt see it coming. He was just so centered and witty and smart - I figured he was closer to thirty when in reality as we first started dating he was only 24. I got over it fairly quickly though. Some of his friends are a little older or exactly his age but since none incluing him are into the whole drinking thing or clubbing thing, it really hasnt effected us al that much. One thing that does come up occasionally is just that he is a bit more trusting of people than I am. I state my opinion ( like about sister's bf for example) right up front and he is more forgiving. I think that is about life experience. With age we tend to be a bit more knowing about people off the bat and I heard two DUI's and checked out pretty miuch. He saw the guy's potential and wanted to believe he was a good guy at heart. Now we both know better - I havent ever put my foot in my mouth or told him what to think about certain situations at work or with family, I just have stated my opinion and waited for him to either catch on or just agree to disagree. I want him to learn his own lessons and I have mine to learn as well. I am a VERY trusting soul and can be naive about certain things even but together we make a very empathetic team I think. We care about ourselves, us, and other people and kind of in that order if that makes sense.
He is also young in the sense he is active, hot, and sexually very open and I LOVE that because I still see myself that way. When I dated older it was difficult in some cases because I felt like I was kind of the firecracker and I really enjoy the fact that he likes to really keep me on my toes.
And, it occurs to me almost daily that even with his family dramas, he comes with very few exes and very little baggage. I have that obviously with my divorce and kid and he is super understanding and sees me very clearly for who I was back then and how I made some of those decisions and who I am now.
We really are very happy together and I am a lucky lucky girl. Maybe that's it - he reminds me that I am a girl! Silly maybe but it is so great to feel in one day like a woman, a mom, and that artsy girl I always have been. :)
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 9:38pm

Sorry, I may not have been clear. Nothing happened till we were both divorced, other than the initial flirty emails, and that was only going on for about 2 weeks before my initial separation. That was over a year before we actually started dating. People who were not actually aware of the details other than the accusations would see the fact that we are NOW dating as confirmation of my ex's accusations then.

I wasn't actually looking for any sort of response or validation, I just thought that since I am commenting on other people's issues, they should be able to see where I'm coming from. As for the age difference, it is a bit unusual. We actually have quite a bit in common since our kids are the same age, we work in the same field, and have similar opinions on life/kids/relationships, etc.

As for the warning bells... I would agree if I had had a more typical 28 yr olds life. As it is, I don't have much in common with most people in their 20s, and none of my friends are under 30.

Thanks for the responses! This was mainly to say hi and introduce myself.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 02-17-2008 - 10:45pm
WELL MY DEAR!! WELCOME! I'm glad you decided to join the board and giving your own views and perspectives on our good times, bad times, sad times, funny times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 11:55am

Hello and thanks for sharing your story :o)


No judgements- that's what I love abut this board. It feels safe to air our truths and and pasts and present situations without being scorned.

~Pacific~