Ramblings - from MySpace blog

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Ramblings - from MySpace blog
8
Fri, 02-22-2008 - 11:05pm

Nothing in particular
Current mood: contemplative

I am reflecting on my blessed life and wonder why I am not settled in my so-called relationship. Maybe because it is not really a bone fide romantic relationship as most people would characterize. I am not so much concerned what other people think but I do feel a bit of a loss of not having that heart-to-heart, regular, let's-get-together-on-a-regular-basis connection. I am here with my eyes wide open and head on my shoulders. Plus I knew the risks and the situation where I won't have that with this relationship.

But ya know? I still ache and long for someone who wants to be with me, who wants to check in and share her day with me and hear how my day went, who wants to wake up to share breakfast with me on a Sunday morning with me and then take our dogs for a walk, and who is happy to just to share space and silence together as well as deep sharing.

So I am practicing my so-called Zen practice or is it Taoist or even Buddhist? Whatever it is, it IS. This is my life and my reality as it is now. I can either accept it and be happy or not. It does not really serve me on focusing on my lack. I would rather practice my spiritual practice: focus on appreciation, be compassionate and live in the present.

Right now and right here I got my dear daughter who is laying on the couch next to me reading some teen novella while we are both listening to a CD of some Seattle singer (LeRoy Bell) whom I seen with a dear friend at the Aladdin Theater (Portland, OR) the other week.

Thanks for "listening"





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 1:52am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 9:54am
Hey we all need time to reflect and contemplate.
 
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 11:45am

"But ya know? I still ache and long for someone who wants to be with me, who wants to check in and share her day with me and hear how my day went, who wants to wake up to share breakfast with me on a Sunday morning with me and then take our dogs for a walk, and who is happy to just to share space and silence together as well as deep sharing."

We all ache for this - so don't feel bad for wanting it. I think you have to try to get out more and do more things for you so you might have a chance at meeting someone who will want the same thing as you. I don't think, from what you write, that CNDG is headed in that direction. I think she enjoys your company and attention and friendship and conversation - but she does not want anything more from you. I think you should keep her as a friend, but eliminate the expectations that she is going to give you more, at least right now, and get out and find someone who will. At the very least put her out of your head some and just get out and do new things so you won't dwell on this.

I am sorry, Mark. The crazy thing is that from what you wrote I always thought she would want more but you would not - because I remember you saying she wasn't your type and stuff like that.

I mean, whatever you decide is best for you - this is just my .02 after being in your shoes once and waiting way too long on the wrong person. I just think you are a really nice guy with a lot to offer the right girl - and that you should be out and about having more fun and ready to bump into her.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 1:10pm

Thanks. I think the next conversation I will have with CNDG is to be explicitly platonic friends. We are defacto that anyway. I did ask her if she wanted to be that several weeks ago and she told me yes but later said that was her fear talking. The fear is still there and she is working on it. I did ask her what she envisioned about "us" and what she wanted. She did not really have a vision right now, just focusing on the Now.

Mark





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 1:14pm

I really agree with this post. Mark, I just don't feel that CG is pulling for more. I think you should maybe just let it go and continue down a new path. It's also just my 2 cents, but you seem so lonely and you really shouldn't be feeling this way. I just feel you have so many more downs then ups!


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 2:00pm

Thanks myprecious. I keep my own company and when I met CNDG I felt a peace being without a partner. I do reach out to be with friends for it is who I do things with not what I do. I think the hard part for me is I felt I had this partner that I had deep intimacy with and now do not, at least on the sexual-physical side. My primary love language is touch and close behind is quality time.

Mark





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 2:24pm

I've been feeling bummed which is OK since it's just an emotion which by definition it's temporary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 2:45pm

Hi Mark-


I agree totally with Judy. I have always read your posts about CNDG

~Pacific~