Don't know what to do??????
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Don't know what to do??????
| Thu, 02-28-2008 - 4:27pm |
I am a mother of a one year old boy and proud of it! However the father and i are not together and haven't been, but i've been dating this guy for almost a year now, and he has a son to and him and his ex were together up until him and i for 6yrs! For the most part i am very happy with him everyone makes mistakes, but when it comes to me and my little boys dad my boyfriend is so insecure about him like when he comes to drop him off by the house my boyfriends usually there and the father has to bring him up to me becasue he can't walk up the stairs by hiself, and the other day my boyfriend asked me if i could go meet my ex outside so he didn't have to come in because he feels uncomfortable about it, and i never am around to see what happens when he drops his son off to see if he goes inside with him or what! Also when my ex calls my boyfriend makes me get off the phone with him real quick he won't let me talk about anything, but our little boy he says thats all we should talk about, and him and his ex i have only heard them have a conversation twice! Like if my ex calls to find out how i've been hows work going anything besides our son my boyfriend gets pissed! Do you think that he is doing something with his ex or am i doing something wrong? I don't know i've never been in this siuation before and i don't know what to think i mean i know my ex and i are going to have to get along for the next 17yrs for our sons sake, but even his birthday his first birthday at that i couldn't invite him because my boyfriend wouldn't let me and my ex has never done anything to him he is so nice to him every time he sees him hes never been rude to him! So what would you do?

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my boyfriend wouldn't let me
I did notice you said this quite a few times in your post. IMO this is a huge problem. He does not have jurisdiction of you. That is control- and who said he owns you or your actions?
Being cooperative and friends with your ex is not only your right but your responsibility to your child. That takes presidence over your boyfriends feelings. He has an insecurity issue. You have to power to make your own decisions and you need to use it.
Sorry- but your boyfriend is not seeing that the one who needs to come first here is your little boy. And that means that you should continue a pleasant relationship with ex on your terms, not your boyfriend's terms. If your boyfriend cannot accept that then he needs to grow up, and you would be better off without that kind of control freak dictating you. Just my 2 cents. Hope that helps.
Welcome to the board! Stick around for some great support-
I see healthy and trusting relationships as not those of "s/he would not let me" kind either.
I see the basis of any healthy relationship is that each person takes ownership of their "stuff."
Your stuff is letting him interfere in something that is between you and your ex.
Well said and that's the thing- ownership. You just have to use your own mind, your own judgement. Relying on someone else to make up your mind is a dangerous and power-less path.
It's like those guys or women who say they did not stop the affair because "that woman came on to ME". We've all got our own will.. it's just easier and
Yes- all you have is his word and also how he treats you- his actions. It's a trust thing and you will both have to trust each other until otherwise proven untrustworty- or else there is no foundation. Believe me I have had the same feelings. I think it is time for you to focus on you and a maintaining a health relationship with your sons dad. Your businness- your life. Let him deal with his own boundaries regarding HIS ex. It would be counter productive for you to pull the reigns tightly and throw accusitiry daggers his way because he is doing that to you. Better if you both loosen those reigns and either learn to trust or walk away.
It doesn't happen over night- but learning to trust happens when both of you act trustworthy and respect each others decisions. I'd give up the thoughts of what he does or does not do at his Ex's house at drop off, and instead focus on keeping control over yourself and your own acations. Don't let anyone dictate your decisions through intimidation or fear.
Stay strong!
It will be hard to undo this behaviour, but you should start now with your bf.
Hi Luv,
Im sort of confused. Why is your BF greeting your ex to collect your son? Not to be to harsh but thats your responsibility as his mother. I know you said you have been dating this guy for a while but that doesn't make you exempt from your responsibilities and that includes maintaining a civil relationship with your sons father. If your current BF cant understand that then you need to re-check your priorities. This is coming from someone who is dealing with her own bullying control freak ex. Your son does not deserve to be thrust into the middle of a situation like that and neither do you. Nobody owns you, so get that crap about someone "not letting" you be a responsible parent out of your head now.
Sorry again for being so harsh but its more directed towards you BF via my ex...sorry But I just don't like to hear of anyone being controlled!
((((HUGS))))
M
coming someone who was in a emotionally controlling relationship I see some red flags going off
One of the flags I saw (and have experienced) is that serious Control Freaks will try to determine who you can talk to, and for how long.
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