Etiquette regarding the Widower.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Etiquette regarding the Widower.....
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Thu, 03-06-2008 - 8:48am

Ok, so the Widower, which I REALLY have to re-nickname, sent me a VERY extensive and nice email. In part of it, he wrote this:


I've only been on match for a few weeks. To be honest, you're the first person I have exchanged more than 2 emails with. Some of the people I get 'winks' from have been a little strange as well. One woman even emailed directly and wanted to bring over dinner for me and the kids - OK, don't know you, never met you, but sure bring over dinner...not going to happen! You really have to weed out some of the weird stuff, but I guess like anything, even internet chat takes some work and time to find the right kinds of people or person.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 8:57am

I would say wait untill you meet. and dont have to bring this topic up untill you are well into a conversation mode..

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:18am
thanks. He mentioned in his profile "since the incident". I think that is a good indication that it may have been an accident of some sort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:19am

I guess I'm just more for the open and honest (and direct) route. If you're curious, just ask. Ask nicely, of course- but ask with a genuine interest. Not with a gossipy interest. Not that I think YOU wouldn't know the difference- but that I know people sometimes react to something like this with a "omg, what happened?!?" as if it was sharing the details of a dramatic movie. In this man's case... I think it would be better to approach it more like "I'm sorry to hear you lost your wife. I'm curious what happened, but tell me only if you feel comfortable sharing."


That way you still get your needs out there (the wanting to know what happened) but you're not demanding it of him unless/until HE is ready to share it. It's obvious that you are curious what happened and how long ago. I think it is more okay to ask simply how long ago it was, and not delve into any more details, too.


Let's not dance around the elephant in the room, KWIM?? If he senses that you are not freaked out by it, and not showering pity on him because of it... then he might be more willing to open up to you. Like that woman who wanted to bring him and the kids dinner and they've never met?!?! That's opening up a relationship with pity, IMO! It's no wonder that he was turned off by that! I would be creeped out by it, too!


Don't worry so much about "chasing him away". Just be who you are, Cat. And if he doesn't like it, then he isn't right for you anyway (or isn't READY for anything yet anyway). You don't want to tiptoe too much- at the risk of not being genuine yourself, or not developing a genuine relationship.


I would think that if he mentioned being a widower in his profile... then he is leaving himself open to being asked about it. So just ask him. But ask in a way that gives HIM the option to share only as much as he wants- especially if you sense that it is pretty fresh. You wouldn't want to jump into anything with him if he is only trying to find a replacement for his lost wife (because no one will ever be the same)- even if he isn't actually aware that he might be doing so... if it's a recent loss for him.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:28am

Thank you so much for taking the time to write and tell me your thoughts. I can so relate to everything you said. I think I'm so curious, because he mentioned I'm the first person he's had more then one email contact with. And obviously, I'll be the first one he goes out with. I wish he had a few under his belt to figure out if he was really ready or not. I definitely don't want someone on the rebound or someone that finds out he's not ready. I don't mind patience and just getting to know him, because like you and HIker, I'm really ready to go very slow. So I think that would be a positive for him too. However, I guess I should just go about it casually, respectfully and considerate and be myself in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:32am

Im on board with Shrimpy here. Besides you need to know details and see what you may or may not be getting yourself into. Im all for helping others heal but at what cost to myself.


See me...the overly dramatic pessimist would want to make sure the "incident" is not going to include exhuming the body in a few years...to insensitive??? Can you tell Im jaded at this point...OMG IVE TURNED INTO MY MOTHER...I really need to stop watching lifetime and Nancy Grace (even though I cant stand her its impossible to turn her off)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:51am
Wow I dont think I entirely agree with some of the others on this one. I dont think the loss of his wife is something that you should initiate conversation on at all. I think that if he is comfortable talking about it he will open the subject up and THEN you can ask what happened. I just think it is too private a topic for the first or second date even. I think you will know whether he is truly ready for a relationship or to date someone seriously from other signs in his behavior and you should glean what you can from that instead. I know he marked that he was a widow but isnt that checking a box? I mean he has been married so isnt it just a case of marking either married/separated/divorce/widowed? That is his status but it doesnt mean to me necessarily that he is ready to talk it over. I think it might be important to lie quiet about it and wait for him to feel comfortable and open up a bit about it. I bet there will be a moment where he can say something about it and if after a couple of these opportunities and a few dates he still avoids, well that should tell you something about how ready he is to move on. And thats the info you are really looking for , right? Whether or not he is truly ready to move on? I guess basically I think you can get that information without initiating the convo on the wife's death. Her death could be a loaded conversation and most people take a bit to warm up to that. If he doesnt, and just opends it up right away kudos to him but if it takes him a few dates, I would respect him for that too.
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 9:56am
Good point as well! See? Such a fine line!
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Registered: 11-25-2007
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 10:22am

ITA

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

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Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 10:46am

I agree with the "other" viewpoint too- but yet I don't see it as another whole different view!!


I'm not saying that Cat should make his wife's "incident" as the topic of choice for the first date, just because she wants to know what happened. I'm just saying... don't make it such a taboo topic that you don't even mention anything!!!


I tend to think that it could be asked up-front in an email before they even meet- so that if he was willing to share, it might be easier to just get that bit of info out of the way without face-to-face interaction... and then once on an actual date, they can talk about other things. It wouldn't be like this THING that sits there but no one mentions it. KWIM?


But I totally agree that he shouldn't be forced to share any more than he is ready to. And that Cat shouldn't be "used" by him to test the waters as the first try after a huge loss like that. But he has to start somewhere too, doesn't he? At least maybe with Cat- it could be a slow-moving thing, and whether it works out or not, it could be good for everyone.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 11:04am

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