need advice badly on x inlaws situation
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need advice badly on x inlaws situation
| Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:16am |
I wasnt sure what to title this but I really need some support and advice.
My son came to me last night and was very upset/ashamed to tell me that his grandmother is STILL insisting on bathing him even though he is nine. I say STILL because we have been through this battle before and I thought we had come to an understanding a year or so ago that if he wanted to bath himself or shower ( hello?) she was not to bully him into letting her wash him. She keeps saying she wont but that he doesnt clean "right" I dont think this is malicious or sexual in nature in any way, I think she is naive and backwards. Still, it infuriates me that my son is saying "no ,I want to wash myself - that makes me uncomfortable" and she is bullying him into it.
My son loves going over there for the weekends and is afraid I am not going to allow it anymore if he tells me these things so he waited two weeks to tell me - I think he only broke down because of the shame involved. His father is supposed to have him from Friday night to Sunday and historically he just farms him out to the grandparents and does what he wants to do instead. He has periods where my son will stay one night with him ( friday usually) but then he inevitably bails and drops him off at the grandparents. His Mom is a religious fanatic - remember she told me I was basically killing my mom with chemo and that all she needed was to take her to the church to be saved and wouldnt shut up about it....She is also very country and extremely uneducated - a child of 14 who never completed school and turned to the church. Has made it very clear that she knows better than us about how to raise a child and ignores every rule I place down. No bedtimes, no regular mealtimes, no discpline over there. She honestly gives off the impression that she knows best and any amount of talking and negotiating for 7 years has fallen on deaf ears.
I have tried to let some of it slide ( never about the bathing though - through a fit about that and will again aparently) so that at least my DS gets to know the other side of his family and hopefully his father steps up to the plate but he constantly disappoints me. When I became aware to what extent there was no structure over there I offered to just keep him on weekends and his father can come visit him anytime. We did that for a few weeks and then he said he could handle him and well you can guess how long that lasted.
It is so hard for me because my kid loves his grandparents and their house and pool and the country over the weekends and I dont want to take that away from him but I cant trust ex to stay there with him and supervise and he always seems to be over there fighting the grandmothers weirdness on his own.
Now for the clincher. In tears he tells me that he knows I have instructed him to call me if things are ever difficult over there and Dad isnt around and he needs help and he said he asked her when she was bullying him about bathing if he could call me so I could explain it to her and she refused! Told him he couldnt call me and if he did or told me he wouldnt be able to come over there again because I would keep him from her. I am furious- like want to smack her furious. After everything we drill into their heads about how their body is their body and no means no and nobody can touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable tell an adult etc etc and now THIS? I left a livid message for my x saying he can no longer stay there on any terms and told him exactly how upset and ashamed our son was and told him to call me today to discuss the weekend. I wasnt angry in tone just very firm and obviously upset for him. Guess who hasnt called me yet?
So what do I do? I cant trust who he is staying with over the weekend anymore since obviously he is saying he will keep him and then dropping him off over there. I wouldnt put it past them to tell my son to lie to me so he can still go over there and HE WANTS to go over there in part I think because it is his routine and he does love them. He also gets piano lessons over there from his cousin who is great and lives down the street so he doesnt want to miss those. I can easily get him piano lesson here of course but I am just saying it has always been this way for him and I think it freaks him out to think I am going to strip it away. He was hysterical last night when he thought I wouldnt let him stay over there ever again. I just felt heartbroken for him....
And of course ALL OF THIS is the fault of my deadbeat ex. I just want to kill him.
Sorry to vent. Please give advice....
My son came to me last night and was very upset/ashamed to tell me that his grandmother is STILL insisting on bathing him even though he is nine. I say STILL because we have been through this battle before and I thought we had come to an understanding a year or so ago that if he wanted to bath himself or shower ( hello?) she was not to bully him into letting her wash him. She keeps saying she wont but that he doesnt clean "right" I dont think this is malicious or sexual in nature in any way, I think she is naive and backwards. Still, it infuriates me that my son is saying "no ,I want to wash myself - that makes me uncomfortable" and she is bullying him into it.
My son loves going over there for the weekends and is afraid I am not going to allow it anymore if he tells me these things so he waited two weeks to tell me - I think he only broke down because of the shame involved. His father is supposed to have him from Friday night to Sunday and historically he just farms him out to the grandparents and does what he wants to do instead. He has periods where my son will stay one night with him ( friday usually) but then he inevitably bails and drops him off at the grandparents. His Mom is a religious fanatic - remember she told me I was basically killing my mom with chemo and that all she needed was to take her to the church to be saved and wouldnt shut up about it....She is also very country and extremely uneducated - a child of 14 who never completed school and turned to the church. Has made it very clear that she knows better than us about how to raise a child and ignores every rule I place down. No bedtimes, no regular mealtimes, no discpline over there. She honestly gives off the impression that she knows best and any amount of talking and negotiating for 7 years has fallen on deaf ears.
I have tried to let some of it slide ( never about the bathing though - through a fit about that and will again aparently) so that at least my DS gets to know the other side of his family and hopefully his father steps up to the plate but he constantly disappoints me. When I became aware to what extent there was no structure over there I offered to just keep him on weekends and his father can come visit him anytime. We did that for a few weeks and then he said he could handle him and well you can guess how long that lasted.
It is so hard for me because my kid loves his grandparents and their house and pool and the country over the weekends and I dont want to take that away from him but I cant trust ex to stay there with him and supervise and he always seems to be over there fighting the grandmothers weirdness on his own.
Now for the clincher. In tears he tells me that he knows I have instructed him to call me if things are ever difficult over there and Dad isnt around and he needs help and he said he asked her when she was bullying him about bathing if he could call me so I could explain it to her and she refused! Told him he couldnt call me and if he did or told me he wouldnt be able to come over there again because I would keep him from her. I am furious- like want to smack her furious. After everything we drill into their heads about how their body is their body and no means no and nobody can touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable tell an adult etc etc and now THIS? I left a livid message for my x saying he can no longer stay there on any terms and told him exactly how upset and ashamed our son was and told him to call me today to discuss the weekend. I wasnt angry in tone just very firm and obviously upset for him. Guess who hasnt called me yet?
So what do I do? I cant trust who he is staying with over the weekend anymore since obviously he is saying he will keep him and then dropping him off over there. I wouldnt put it past them to tell my son to lie to me so he can still go over there and HE WANTS to go over there in part I think because it is his routine and he does love them. He also gets piano lessons over there from his cousin who is great and lives down the street so he doesnt want to miss those. I can easily get him piano lesson here of course but I am just saying it has always been this way for him and I think it freaks him out to think I am going to strip it away. He was hysterical last night when he thought I wouldnt let him stay over there ever again. I just felt heartbroken for him....
And of course ALL OF THIS is the fault of my deadbeat ex. I just want to kill him.
Sorry to vent. Please give advice....



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You must explain to him that her treatment of him is not acceptable and that he has to tell you. Then she has made her decision - he can't go there for now. I think she will miss him and then reconsider. It is absolutely NOT okay for her to bully him to hide something from his own mother and is not okay for her to wash him when he does not want that at his age.
To me, that is just too upsetting to him and too over the top and potentially damaging. And you are the parent - you have the say in that matter.
I would explain that she doesn't mean to hurt him but this behavior is unacceptable for many reasons. And for right now he can't go there but in time it might be better. I would make sure she is very clear on what she can and cannot do or she doesn't ever see him for a weekend.
Sorry you both have to go through this.
I will call her but I need to talk to him first. She never listens to me - actions ( keeping him from going over there because of what she has done) will speak louder to her but even then I guarantee she will think she is in the right.
OMG - I am FUMING for you and your son!!!
I am also planning on mentioning to my ex if and when he EVER calls that not only is bathing a nine year old against his will NOT ok but the fact is if he ever even in jest says that his grandmother forces him to bathe and insists on washing his private parts or else - whatever teacher or official hears that will step in and be under obligation to report it as possible child abuse. I am positive that would get her attention, right? Whether or not she believes this is right or wrong and whether or not there is any malintent involved ( which I dont think there is actually) wont matter because in the eyes of an official, it will have to be assumed and investigated. Is that really something she is ready to face? How much does she think she'll see him then?
I also just feel so severely disrespected by them. I do everything on earth for this kid and they get to see him and enjoy his lightness and joy every weekend when I would love to do that myself. If they cant abide by the simplest of rules, they dont deserve to benefit by seeing him and enjoying him for everything he is. I am not asking for anything more than bedtime, regular meals, and basic boundaries of respect like the bathing issue. THat's it. Them not doing that is seeming more like a slap in a face to me like they resent me for something or just want to send me some message that they are in charge not me and meanwhile he gets caught up in the middle and doesnt get the care he needs. We have no history where they should resent me for anything. They consistently send the vibe out that I am too scheduled, too rigid, too city hoity etc and that he should be able to be a kid. Well he IS a kid!! And someone needs to give him boundaries and structure, right? And why not focus that judgement on their son who has NEVER been to a parent teacher conference, doctor's visit, done homework only 3-4 times in three years with him and just leans on me to pick up all slack. He is a total slacker and meanwhile I manage a full time job if not two jobs really with the hours I put in practice/teaching/performing and pay for EVERYTHING. He pays no support even. I even have a concert this weekend that is out of town but drivable for a tango orchestra ( YAY) and so bf has taken off work on Sat just in case DS is with us so that someone is with him. I hustle my a$$ off to make sure everything is covered and they get to enjoy him on weekends!!
Argh I am so mad. How in the heck am I going to calm down I wonder?
I m getting more and more mad just because he still hasnt called so I can tell our conversation isnt going to go well already unless I find center. I dont like to argue or fight with him because it accomplishes nothing. But this time might have to be different.
City-
I am in total agreement with West and Moon. You have to take this step and make it clear that you will NOT allow such behavior from the xMIL. You son was brave enough to tell you and if you do not stand up for him (I know that you will) but if you don't protect him he will not tell you ever again. And right now what he is doing is telling you- even though he knows it might end his stays at grandma's for awhile. Your son has to feel that he can tell you and then you are going to back him up. I know how you are feeling for him- torn because he does not want to be unable to go to her place or be restricted from there-
But you can explain to your DS. His body is his body and that grandma needs to learn this before you allow him there again. Be sure and praise him for comming to you. It will go miles and miles towards his confidance.
He might be upset in the short term for not being allowed to go to grandmas. But in the LONG run you are saving his self confidence and esteem.
I would begin by telling the xMIL that he will not be going there again until she agrees to let him bath alone, period. She must respect his privacy. Next
I'll agree with the others that
Do you have to let his dad pick him up? Can you give him a cell phone so he can call you if that happens?
If you can, I would not let him go with the dad unless he agrees not to take him to the mom for an overnighter.
Sorry! I would be livid too. And it doesn't help that you feel helpless.
I just dont know that I will trust her even when she does swear she will leave him alone on the bathing thing. I think she might just do it again. This isnt the first time I have laid down the law on this. I put a stop to it a year or so ago and she promised. Now she is back at it and asking him to not tell me which is even worse.
How can I trust her? And I cant be certain that if I have my son promise he will tell me that he actually WILL. He wants to be over there like usual and I think he might keep it from me or just delay telling me like he did this time. I dont want to have it all come down to him telling on her when the ramification for that is that he cant go over somewhere he loves. I think that plan will backfire and just teach him to keep things from me.
I really am in a spot, arent I?
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