I read you other post. You are a brave and dedicated mom. I believe your DD is dealing with a lot. Not having a father and two siblings who are not normal. Your BF can not come in one fine day and start controling her in any way. You should be the only one who deciplines her. Since you mentioned that you have communication issues with him, I would keep him away from the kids till you can resolve your own issues ( communiaction issues with BF). Since you have a man after so many years you may have tendencies to overlook many red flags. But you have done a great job so far all by yourself. You deserve a person who will make you happy and whom you can talk to anything and everything. Why not take the relationship slower. I hope he doesnt live with you. Your kids dont need him in their lives unless you are sure that you will be with him for long term. Why not take it slower and reduce his interactions with your kids and see if you two can communicate better. I would even suggest that you date a bit more and even make new friends. Spare yourself and your daughter of this extra headache. She doesnt need this with everything else that is going on. You mentioned that she and your BF can talk about their issues without dragging you into it. I kind of disagree. First of all the interaction that your BF has with your DD should be minimal at this point. And if there is something taht bothers her, you should talk to her in detail and keep BF away from your family for the time being. I hope what I said made some sense..
I truly believe it does take two to make a relationship work which means the OTHER person needs to recognize that (and me not taking them kicking and screaming either). If they don't want to put in the work or even have the self awareness to take responsibility of their part in making the relationship work then I would not be with that person.
I want a relationship where I don't do the work for both. I want a relationship that we each step up to the plate and put in the awareness and work to make it work. Or else it becomes a losing (and painful) proposition which does not work in the long run for either person.
We all have differences. It is how we deal with the differences makes a good relationship or not. Dealing with differences does not always (or ever) have to result in conflict. Avoiding conflict is avoiding the other parts of him/her and ultimately ourselves. I believe when we avoid then we don't have the true intimacy that I want in a relationship.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
THIS is a total gem Mark!!!!!! And what I want as well. OMG - I wish we could frame this - it is what I want as well!!
Especially these parts!!!!!
"I want a relationship where I don't do the work for both. I want a relationship that we each step up to the plate and put in the awareness and work to make it work."
"We all have differences. It is how we deal with the differences makes a good relationship or not. Dealing with differences does not always (or ever) have to result in conflict. Avoiding conflict is avoiding the other parts of him/her and ultimately ourselves. I believe when we avoid then we don't have the true intimacy that I want in a relationship."
Hi,
I read you other post. You are a brave and dedicated mom. I believe your DD is dealing with a lot. Not having a father and two siblings who are not normal. Your BF can not come in one fine day and start controling her in any way. You should be the only one who deciplines her. Since you mentioned that you have communication issues with him, I would keep him away from the kids till you can resolve your own issues ( communiaction issues with BF). Since you have a man after so many years you may have tendencies to overlook many red flags. But you have done a great job so far all by yourself. You deserve a person who will make you happy and whom you can talk to anything and everything. Why not take the relationship slower. I hope he doesnt live with you. Your kids dont need him in their lives unless you are sure that you will be with him for long term. Why not take it slower and reduce his interactions with your kids and see if you two can communicate better. I would even suggest that you date a bit more and even make new friends. Spare yourself and your daughter of this extra headache. She doesnt need this with everything else that is going on. You mentioned that she and your BF can talk about their issues without dragging you into it. I kind of disagree. First of all the interaction that your BF has with your DD should be minimal at this point. And if there is something taht bothers her, you should talk to her in detail and keep BF away from your family for the time being. I hope what I said made some sense..
Good for you and good luck!
I truly believe it does take two to make a relationship work which means the OTHER person needs to recognize that (and me not taking them kicking and screaming either). If they don't want to put in the work or even have the self awareness to take responsibility of their part in making the relationship work then I would not be with that person.
I want a relationship where I don't do the work for both. I want a relationship that we each step up to the plate and put in the awareness and work to make it work. Or else it becomes a losing (and painful) proposition which does not work in the long run for either person.
We all have differences. It is how we deal with the differences makes a good relationship or not. Dealing with differences does not always (or ever) have to result in conflict. Avoiding conflict is avoiding the other parts of him/her and ultimately ourselves. I believe when we avoid then we don't have the true intimacy that I want in a relationship.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
THIS is a total gem Mark!!!!!! And what I want as well. OMG - I wish we could frame this - it is what I want as well!!
Especially these parts!!!!!
"I want a relationship where I don't do the work for both. I want a relationship that we each step up to the plate and put in the awareness and work to make it work."
"We all have differences. It is how we deal with the differences makes a good relationship or not. Dealing with differences does not always (or ever) have to result in conflict. Avoiding conflict is avoiding the other parts of him/her and ultimately ourselves. I believe when we avoid then we don't have the true intimacy that I want in a relationship."