I think what you said is fine. I would have done the same thing. Definitely there is a grieving process and is it possible that this grieving is so hard for him that he is trying to date and reduce the pain ..and still silently grieve? I have done that in the past. When I missed my EX, and knew I couldnt go back to him, I dated men and gave an impression of I am fine, while I was crying inside.. Result: nothing worked out with some potential good partners. Can you tell him that you would like to talk to him like in about 2 months? He should go on a vaccation or go someone alone and go through this process. You companionship may reduce his pain but that will make the overall grieving process longer as he wont find enough alone time to actually think about his late wife and feel slowly okay with that situation.
Well, first off, thanks for the input. No, I don't know if I like the guy enough down the line, but what I know from his this far, yes, I do. However, finding out if we truly fit would mean going out with him more and more and getting more and more into him. I don't really want to do that until I think that he's ready. Like Dance suggested, at least another two-four months to find himself.
I think he is seeing a therapist. He mentioned something to me once and I know the kids are too.
Oh Cat I am sorry you had such a rough night. I think things were going rather well but maybe the pressure just got to you. It takes a lot of energy to guide and help someone through something too and you have ben doing a lot of that with him. I am sure he appreciates it but in the end as you guide and help him and let him feel safe, it just so happens you feel less and less safe. I understand this and the situation was risky even if there were potential wonderful rewards. I think you should try and talk at some point today and clear the air. IMO you wouldnt have had such a strong fear reaction to some of this if you didnt really have a sincere connection with him. Maybe things just need to go slower. In all of the talk about his comfort levels, what about yours? I dont think I would be comfortable kissing someone who just loss his wife 6 weeks ago. I would feel like she might be around somewhere as horrible as that seems. It just feels too soon. It doesnt mean that you couldnt get to know each other on a deeper level though and eventually find balance where you arent just guiding him in his journey but you are both on your own journeys and offering support. Because of his circumstance I just feel a lot of emphasis has been placed on him and YOU have your own journey and reasons for taking things slow and steady of course. Anyhow, I know this isnt the same but some of the hardest months of my life were right in the very beginning with SYB ( using bf's nickname now) It did feel fateful the way we met and I had just gotten used to being alone and not dating but liked him A LOT. He felt the same but had just had his heart broken and expressed that he just wasnt sure he was ready for opening up his heart completely or for trusting his heart right now. He felt like he had betrayed himself in his last choice of gf and he wasnt sure he was able to trust his gut right now. I understood that feeling and felt his hesitance and had to decide to stick it out even though his heart hadnt healed yet and I had no way of knowing that she wasnt going to come back, realize what she left ( and in fact she left things rather open ended) and get him back somehow. It was hard. I knew I loved him before he knew the same about me and that was difficult as well. Again, more trusting his gut issues. We eventually fell on the same page and there was tons of happiness even on the muddled pages but still it had my insecurities in hyper drive at times. I remember thinking how hard it was to not have that sense that someone is truly ready to have met me and how catching him off guard sucked. The timing was fateful but far from perfect. It took months to get past some of it and really really relax. I had to allow myself to just fall for him and know that I would be ok because stalling my heart would be worse than letting it be free to feel. I just stayed true to my heart and him and took it day by day. Gradually we freed ourselves of the baggage and we got where we are now. It truly was a period of digging for strength for me. I assume it was for him to. But we made it and I guess I just wanted to tell you about it because it is an example of not perfect timing where we saw this clearly but simply enjoyed each other too much to take the conservative route and put things on hold. We just held on tight and took things day by day. I wonder if that wouldnt be possible with your guy if you feel very strongly about the two of you coming together for a reason? You cant be sure what that reason is yet of course but the exploration of that could end up being very fruitful in a number of different ways I think.
have done that in the past. When I missed my EX, and knew I couldnt go back to him, I dated men and gave an impression of I am fine, while I was crying inside..
Listen lady...you know i am one of your biggest fans but i think you are being really hard on the 2 of you. I think you are jumping way ahead of the game and not letting yourself enjoy a nice guys company. What are you most fearful of? Are you afraid maybe he will be a crutch for you as well? I think that a relationship is give and take and when two people connect that there has to be some amount of leaning on and bandaging each other. NOBODY you are going to meet is gonna be baggage/bandage free. Thats what makes being with someone so special...you grow together. I think youre just a bit scared and COMPLETELY understandable but dont cut it off at the knees before its even started to grow. And as far as asking to kiss you...I think its quite romantic and selfless. Let yourself get swept up in it for a little. As far as him being ready...you dont know what he and his wife discussed throughout her illness. She was sick for a long time and they may have been able to grieve together. But stop selling yourself short woman...you deserve happiness and stop letting all of your little voices fill your head with "what if" scenarios. What does your gut say? If its telling you its a no go then listen but if its telling you to try it...then give it a chance. IMO its way to soon to even worry about the really BIG stuff like marriage...
OK thats my 2 cents worth...now if youre telling me you dont want to carry on because theres a funky smell coming from the trunk of his car and you find hes toting her around then no he is CLEARLY not ready...
(((((HUGS)))))
M
BRAINFART on the fact its only been 7 weeks...sorry for some reason Ive been thinking 7 months at any rate i still maintain listen to your gut...and smell the trunk
"What are you most fearful of? Are you afraid maybe he will be a crutch for you as well?"
Her fears and/or concerns are completely legitimate. The man lost his wife SEVEN WEEKS ago!! I don't think him being a crutch for her is even in the realm of possibilities.
"Let yourself get swept up in it for a little. As far as him being ready...you dont know what he and his wife discussed throughout her illness. She was sick for a long time and they may have been able to grieve together."
No offense, but BS! There is NO WAY he has gone through the grieving process in such a short time. I don't care how long she was sick. A huge part of that process is AFTER the person is gone.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but one of my best friends lost her husband in 2003 after being happily married for 30 years. I was there for her and the first year after Mark died she was NOT herself. I want Cat to be happy and find the right person too, but I also don't want to watch her become very attached to someone that is probably not in a good place on the emotional ladder right now. The fact that he thinks she is being harsh is a concern for me. She needs to move at a speed that is comfortable for her and needs to be aware of all the complications this relationship has. That isn't selling herself short. That is trying to think of her well being as well as his!
WHoooaaa Hold Up there ...perhaps I didnt articulate myself well enough. Every realtionship and person is different. Each of us grieves in our own time with our own needs. You are certainly not the first nor will you be the last person on here that has been affected by cancer and loosing someone to it. How dare you jump down my throat...perhaps if you took a minute to read the rest of my post you would have realized I made an error in his time of loss. This board is for opinions and suggestions, support and reflection...thanks for the morning slap. Ill be limping away now and kindly keep the slaps to yourself when it comes to me.
Well, hmmm. I can see where the whole thing has you stressed out. Your gut is saying "too much pressure too much pressure"
I think you would be fine to be friends for now and go slow - and you did tell him that. But the kissing thing has to wait to you are ready for more - to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It is sort of weird how he sprung that on you so soon. He can wait and be friends with you and then when you both feel ready and right - or he can seek to be kissed somewhere else NOW.
I do see your point and would probably want the same thing. On his side, I think he is hungry for the sexual and physical intimacy because that is a real and basic need for anyone especially a guy and he has probably not had that in quite some time - plus he is coming out of the stress of caretaker of his very sick wife and 2 young children. That is what he needs now.
But you on the other hand want a relationship and do not want to be a kissing buddy for a widower whose wife passed away less than two months ago. That disturbs your psyche, especially since you have just met him.
I just think you might have overreacted a bit and come across as harsh by telling him the part about how you are sick of dating people who are not ready - I think that is too much information and not his problem, really. But the part about you being ready for someone who is ready is very valid. Perhaps you should have logged off and thought about it - and then just said I am not ready for that yet with you.
This morning I was thinking of you and this whole thing - and I was thinking the hard part might not be him wanting to commit to you - it might be your sensitivity to your situation with his friends and their wives - would you feel accepted and be appreciated for all you have done - I bet they are a bit Stepford for a lack of a better word. And having to deal with 2 very little children with very big needs and have to start over with all of that - would you really want all that when you have 2 of your own that need focus - and your career - that you have worked very hard for? Just more thoughts..... Because I don't know if I would want all that - I deleted one like that recently on EH. But maybe that is just me?
Just because I don't agree with your post doesn't mean I am slapping you around. I just didn't happen to agree with it. It wasn't a personal attack and I am sorry you took it that way. Yes, this board is for support, opinions and advice. My concern is that Cat not get hurt. Not to blow sunshine up her skirt. Stephanie
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That I don't want to be his emotional bandage and I don't want to be dropped at some point when he feels he's healed.
I think that this is a legitimate concern.
I think what you said is fine. I would have done the same thing. Definitely there is a grieving process and is it possible that this grieving is so hard for him that he is trying to date and reduce the pain ..and still silently grieve? I have done that in the past. When I missed my EX, and knew I couldnt go back to him, I dated men and gave an impression of I am fine, while I was crying inside.. Result: nothing worked out with some potential good partners. Can you tell him that you would like to talk to him like in about 2 months? He should go on a vaccation or go someone alone and go through this process. You companionship may reduce his pain but that will make the overall grieving process longer as he wont find enough alone time to actually think about his late wife and feel slowly okay with that situation.
Is he seeing a therapist?
Well, first off, thanks for the input. No, I don't know if I like the guy enough down the line, but what I know from his this far, yes, I do. However, finding out if we truly fit would mean going out with him more and more and getting more and more into him. I don't really want to do that until I think that he's ready. Like Dance suggested, at least another two-four months to find himself.
I think he is seeing a therapist. He mentioned something to me once and I know the kids are too.
Anyhow, I know this isnt the same but some of the hardest months of my life were right in the very beginning with SYB ( using bf's nickname now) It did feel fateful the way we met and I had just gotten used to being alone and not dating but liked him A LOT. He felt the same but had just had his heart broken and expressed that he just wasnt sure he was ready for opening up his heart completely or for trusting his heart right now. He felt like he had betrayed himself in his last choice of gf and he wasnt sure he was able to trust his gut right now. I understood that feeling and felt his hesitance and had to decide to stick it out even though his heart hadnt healed yet and I had no way of knowing that she wasnt going to come back, realize what she left ( and in fact she left things rather open ended) and get him back somehow. It was hard. I knew I loved him before he knew the same about me and that was difficult as well. Again, more trusting his gut issues. We eventually fell on the same page and there was tons of happiness even on the muddled pages but still it had my insecurities in hyper drive at times. I remember thinking how hard it was to not have that sense that someone is truly ready to have met me and how catching him off guard sucked. The timing was fateful but far from perfect. It took months to get past some of it and really really relax. I had to allow myself to just fall for him and know that I would be ok because stalling my heart would be worse than letting it be free to feel. I just stayed true to my heart and him and took it day by day. Gradually we freed ourselves of the baggage and we got where we are now. It truly was a period of digging for strength for me. I assume it was for him to. But we made it and I guess I just wanted to tell you about it because it is an example of not perfect timing where we saw this clearly but simply enjoyed each other too much to take the conservative route and put things on hold. We just held on tight and took things day by day. I wonder if that wouldnt be possible with your guy if you feel very strongly about the two of you coming together for a reason? You cant be sure what that reason is yet of course but the exploration of that could end up being very fruitful in a number of different ways I think.
have done that in the past. When I missed my EX, and knew I couldnt go back to him, I dated men and gave an impression of I am fine, while I was crying inside..
Yes I have done that too.
Listen lady...you know i am one of your biggest fans but i think you are being really hard on the 2 of you. I think you are jumping way ahead of the game and not letting yourself enjoy a nice guys company. What are you most fearful of? Are you afraid maybe he will be a crutch for you as well? I think that a relationship is give and take and when two people connect that there has to be some amount of leaning on and bandaging each other. NOBODY you are going to meet is gonna be baggage/bandage free. Thats what makes being with someone so special...you grow together. I think youre just a bit scared and COMPLETELY understandable but dont cut it off at the knees before its even started to grow. And as far as asking to kiss you...I think its quite romantic and selfless. Let yourself get swept up in it for a little. As far as him being ready...you dont know what he and his wife discussed throughout her illness. She was sick for a long time and they may have been able to grieve together. But stop selling yourself short woman...you deserve happiness and stop letting all of your little voices fill your head with "what if" scenarios. What does your gut say? If its telling you its a no go then listen but if its telling you to try it...then give it a chance. IMO its way to soon to even worry about the really BIG stuff like marriage...
OK thats my 2 cents worth...now if youre telling me you dont want to carry on because theres a funky smell coming from the trunk of his car and you find hes toting her around then no he is CLEARLY not ready...
(((((HUGS)))))
M
BRAINFART on the fact its only been 7 weeks...sorry for some reason Ive been thinking 7 months at any rate i still maintain listen to your gut...and smell the trunk
Edited 3/12/2008 9:50 am ET by mom_little_star
"What are you most fearful of? Are you afraid maybe he will be a crutch for you as well?"
Her fears and/or concerns are completely legitimate. The man lost his wife SEVEN WEEKS ago!! I don't think him being a crutch for her is even in the realm of possibilities.
"Let yourself get swept up in it for a little. As far as him being ready...you dont know what he and his wife discussed throughout her illness. She was sick for a long time and they may have been able to grieve together."
No offense, but BS! There is NO WAY he has gone through the grieving process in such a short time. I don't care how long she was sick. A huge part of that process is AFTER the person is gone.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but one of my best friends lost her husband in 2003 after being happily married for 30 years. I was there for her and the first year after Mark died she was NOT herself. I want Cat to be happy and find the right person too, but I also don't want to watch her become very attached to someone that is probably not in a good place on the emotional ladder right now. The fact that he thinks she is being harsh is a concern for me. She needs to move at a speed that is comfortable for her and needs to be aware of all the complications this relationship has. That isn't selling herself short. That is trying to think of her well being as well as his!
Steph
WHoooaaa Hold Up there ...perhaps I didnt articulate myself well enough. Every realtionship and person is different. Each of us grieves in our own time with our own needs. You are certainly not the first nor will you be the last person on here that has been affected by cancer and loosing someone to it. How dare you jump down my throat...perhaps if you took a minute to read the rest of my post you would have realized I made an error in his time of loss. This board is for opinions and suggestions, support and reflection...thanks for the morning slap. Ill be limping away now and kindly keep the slaps to yourself when it comes to me.
M
Well, hmmm. I can see where the whole thing has you stressed out. Your gut is saying "too much pressure too much pressure"
I think you would be fine to be friends for now and go slow - and you did tell him that. But the kissing thing has to wait to you are ready for more - to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It is sort of weird how he sprung that on you so soon. He can wait and be friends with you and then when you both feel ready and right - or he can seek to be kissed somewhere else NOW.
I do see your point and would probably want the same thing. On his side, I think he is hungry for the sexual and physical intimacy because that is a real and basic need for anyone especially a guy and he has probably not had that in quite some time - plus he is coming out of the stress of caretaker of his very sick wife and 2 young children. That is what he needs now.
But you on the other hand want a relationship and do not want to be a kissing buddy for a widower whose wife passed away less than two months ago. That disturbs your psyche, especially since you have just met him.
I just think you might have overreacted a bit and come across as harsh by telling him the part about how you are sick of dating people who are not ready - I think that is too much information and not his problem, really. But the part about you being ready for someone who is ready is very valid. Perhaps you should have logged off and thought about it - and then just said I am not ready for that yet with you.
This morning I was thinking of you and this whole thing - and I was thinking the hard part might not be him wanting to commit to you - it might be your sensitivity to your situation with his friends and their wives - would you feel accepted and be appreciated for all you have done - I bet they are a bit Stepford for a lack of a better word. And having to deal with 2 very little children with very big needs and have to start over with all of that - would you really want all that when you have 2 of your own that need focus - and your career - that you have worked very hard for? Just more thoughts..... Because I don't know if I would want all that - I deleted one like that recently on EH. But maybe that is just me?
Yes, this board is for support, opinions and advice. My concern is that Cat not get hurt. Not to blow sunshine up her skirt.
Stephanie
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