I know you feel as if you screwed up but it is just a slip up IMO and I am sure it will blow over if you let it. You gave him a peck on the lips which sparked her but the truth is if you were divorced last fall you were probably separated for a bit before then ( in my state it is a year, in some I think it is 6 mo) so to me anyway, it is perfectly appropriate for you to date and get to know single men at this juncture and she does need to get used to it. Sure it could have been introduced a bit gentler but it isnt like she walked in on you naked and she certainly shouldnt be blackmailing you with it. IMO if you allow her to even slightly goat you or guilt you about this you are basically saying it was a huge blunder, which it wasnt. It sounds like you are already making the right moves with her on this but just hold your ground. You did nothing wrong - you are divorced and are free to date anyone you choose. You have every right to do so and as much as it is good of course to be sensitive to her feelings, you owe her no explanations or justifications for your choice of date or the timing of it IMHO. I would also tell her that if she is angry or hurt over the divorce she needs to talk it out and express herself in ways that yield positive results, not negative. Balckmailing or laying massive guilt trips and manipulation is not an effective way of communicating her feelings to you and I might tell her that when she is ready to really talk through things, you will be there and are fully ready to listen and respond but until then, you will not be participating in negative behavior so as to make it clear you dont endorse it. Chin up - you wil get through this. I honestly think this is one of those things that feels awful as it happens but it will die down...
Teens are tough. No you haven't scarred her for life and yes, she is manipulating the heck out of the situation. It was no biggie. If she chooses to continue the drama, tell her you'll be making an appointment with a counselor so she can work out the anger she has not yet dealt with regarding her parent's divorce. You are the parent, you get to make the rules. You've done what you could, and I think it was reasonable. I'd say keep moving forward at the slow pace w/BF that you have been doing all along. The guy is not moving in next week. My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years. We keep our kids out of it most of the time. My boys were uncomfortable with my dating at first, but they've come around after realizing I wasn't going to force them to treat this guy as their surrogate dad or be in their face with the mushy romance stuff. good luck
My S19 (then 17) had an issue with me dating. It was blurted out in part of another issue. We just had a long talk about it and got to the bottom of what was bugging him. I had been very hush hush about my dating and he felt that was being secretive, equivalent to lying. So I agreed I let him know if I was going on a date but not any more detail because it is my private life. We agreed I would not bring guys I dated home without discussing it first.I reassured him I was not looking to get remarried and I wasn't expecting he or his siblings to develop a relationship with anyone I dated, just the same expectations as if they were a platonic friend. He's been OK about it since then.
But boys generally are easier than girls with this stuff. My BF's D13 reacted just like your daughter, but without the extortion aspect. She still has issues with his dating, his D15 does not. Their mother, like your X, perpetuates the concept that he should not be dating, should be available 24/7 to his daughters (and to her). So with your X validating the unrealistic expectations, your road with your daughter is bound to be rather bumpy for a while.
All you can do is talk to her and try to have a rational compromise. Ask why it is an issue for her, what does she think is going to happen?
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I would also tell her that if she is angry or hurt over the divorce she needs to talk it out and express herself in ways that yield positive results, not negative. Balckmailing or laying massive guilt trips and manipulation is not an effective way of communicating her feelings to you and I might tell her that when she is ready to really talk through things, you will be there and are fully ready to listen and respond but until then, you will not be participating in negative behavior so as to make it clear you dont endorse it.
Chin up - you wil get through this. I honestly think this is one of those things that feels awful as it happens but it will die down...
Teens are tough. No you haven't scarred her for life and yes, she is manipulating the heck out of the situation. It was no biggie. If she chooses to continue the drama, tell her you'll be making an appointment with a counselor so she can work out the anger she has not yet dealt with regarding her parent's divorce. You are the parent, you get to make the rules. You've done what you could, and I think it was reasonable.
I'd say keep moving forward at the slow pace w/BF that you have been doing all along. The guy is not moving in next week. My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years. We keep our kids out of it most of the time. My boys were uncomfortable with my dating at first, but they've come around after realizing I wasn't going to force them to treat this guy as their surrogate dad or be in their face with the mushy romance stuff.
good luck
QB
I really appreciate the support!
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
Clearly it is your right to be “allowed to have friends and date and have a life” but,
My S19 (then 17) had an issue with me dating. It was blurted out in part of another issue. We just had a long talk about it and got to the bottom of what was bugging him. I had been very hush hush about my dating and he felt that was being secretive, equivalent to lying. So I agreed I let him know if I was going on a date but not any more detail because it is my private life. We agreed I would not bring guys I dated home without discussing it first.I reassured him I was not looking to get remarried and I wasn't expecting he or his siblings to develop a relationship with anyone I dated, just the same expectations as if they were a platonic friend. He's been OK about it since then.
But boys generally are easier than girls with this stuff. My BF's D13 reacted just like your daughter, but without the extortion aspect. She still has issues with his dating, his D15 does not. Their mother, like your X, perpetuates the concept that he should not be dating, should be available 24/7 to his daughters (and to her). So with your X validating the unrealistic expectations, your road with your daughter is bound to be rather bumpy for a while.
All you can do is talk to her and try to have a rational compromise. Ask why it is an issue for her, what does she think is going to happen?
QB
Lvurself had some good points...things that I know but didn't practice but got a chance to last nigh.
I think my kids were more shocked that I was OLD and not that I WAS dating.
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