Dating and money?

Avatar for camilionag
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Dating and money?
12
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:06pm

Hello everyone,

I wanted to get a few opinions on the subject of money that I'm curious about. One of my closest girlfriends is also a single mother and we were talking. She mentioned that she has been seeing a guy for 2 months and today she asked him for money. I believe it was less than $80 or so to get her hair done. First off let me explain that she is not a gold digger and that she has 3 children and works really hard to support them.

I have always been an independent person and have too much pride to ask a man for money unless we are married or living together. If I need money I would rather pawn something than ask someone for help. My friend explained to me that if a man likes you and you are in an intimate relationship than he should be able to give you money if he has it. My boyfriend of 3 months also told me that if I ever needed / wanted money to come to him. I find it hard to do unless it is life or death. But to get my hair done?? No way.

I know everyone will have different thoughts but I'm also curious if this mentality is a cultural, background and/or generation difference?

I am 28 and come from a family with two parents in a middle class home. I'm educated and work in a corporate environment. My dear friend is 38 and grew up in a single family home that struggled to get by in a poorer area. She works in a blue collar environment. Her mother taught her that a man should feel privileged to be with you. My mother taught me that a man and woman are privileged to have found each other. Show him you "want" him but that I don't "need" him. (financially)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 12:24am

I have a sister who is very willing to accept money from the men she dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:29am

Tough one.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:31am

I believe there is no right or wrong when it comes with relationship values. We each have our own and if the woman's values of geting money for her hair from the man she is seeing then that is what is. Plus if the man gives her money then their values seem to match. It is what they each find acceptable. Look at the couples around you. Some make you wonder how the heck do they stay together. I see the answer as obvious, i.e. they each find something in the other that suits them regardless how *I* see it.

MEK





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 11:47am

Mark, the OP's first sentence says she is asking for opinions.


I think we all understand that 'what makes the world go round' is different for every person and therefore every couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 1:24pm

Good question!


I think it depends greatly on your value system. No one being right or wrong as long as it works for both in the relationship. In my opinion, if one person makes more money then the other, and the relationship is one of stability and mutual respect, I don't see harm in accepting money for things IF it is given freely...but I do see a problem if it is expected. I think some men even feel really good to be able to feel capable and in the position to give..it makes some men feel like a provider. I know it's

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 1:30pm

This one has been tough for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 1:58pm

I don't want him to feel like I'm another person wanting something from him


I think this is very, very, smart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:08pm

I would not ever ask a man for money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:44pm
I remember when I first started dating SYB I had a huge dent in my car and after dating me three weeks or so he asked me very nicely if I needed help paying for it. I think I kissed him because it was so nice he offered and then informed him that I just didnt care about the car very much and it was one of those quirky things about me...the insurance would pay for most of it and the truth was I just couldnt be bothered to go through the motions of taking it in, getting a rental that would fit my Monty needs lol and I was putting it off. Of course eventually it got fixed but I think it was a nice moment between us. Sometime I will not have enough to quite get something that I want and he will offer to foot the difference and I do the same for him. We are both self employed so there are great months and meager months. I dont think there is anything wrong with people helping each other out as long as it doesnt start feeling like an expectation. I know many couples who have one person earning a lot more than the other - we ARE one of those couples as a matter of fact but I dont think about it very much. I know that for now we will divide bills based on what we earn so that each of us has spending money and isnt going broke. Eventually things might shift in the other direction and then we will adjust. But we are living together and feel that this is "it" so our money blending kind of reflects that to me and I like it that way. In the beginning I would have felt comfortable with him paying for dinners if he wanted to but I wasnt ok with him fixing my car. I think I feel that way because to me if I couldnt fix my car it would be a sign I was living beyond my means (especially going out on dates with new shoes and a great sundress!) and I dont want someone covering me for that kind of financial behavior - whereas if he wanted to go to a fancier place and I knew my budget couldnt hack it I'd have had no problem with him picking up that bill. In fact, I think that happened more than once on both sides inside the first year since me having a profitable month doesnt always coincide with him having one and vice versa but to me if things are going well in my career and I want to celebrate it by going out on the town, I want him with me!
I suspect some of this might be cultural though to be honest. For instance, I have a few African American gfs and they have told me getting their hair done is kind of must because of something about the kind of hair they have. I dont understand it exactly but it seems more like a monthly requirement ( or more often to them) and it is important to them in a way a hair appt would not be to me. Sometimes I go months without doing anything in the salon to my hair. But I have long straight brown hair. Only now I am getting grey and will have to rethink it maybe. (tear) Also I know other gfs who dye their hair and when roots really start coming in, ( especially a blonde friend I have) they will use money from the groceries budget if they have to - they just feel that uncomfortable.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 3:07pm

"I would not ever ask a man for money. If I can't buy it myself, then I won't get it. I'm extremely independent that way. If a man offered to give me money for something, I wouldn't take it either, but if he bought me a gift of his own accord, then I would accept it."

AMEN!!!!!

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