Hope I am doing the right thing (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Hope I am doing the right thing (long)
25
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 3:46pm

I have been going back and forth here about I guy I have been with for a couple of months. Yes, I slept with him, and it was great, so it was worth it in that respect. He was the first person I had been with since my divorce, so it felt weird, but good.

Anyway...we had been going back and forth the last week or so about him coming out to my family beach house. He wanted to bring his son, and asked if my kids would be there, too. I said I wasn't sure, it was their weekend with their dad (hint, hint...actually, it isn't sure that dad will take them anyway, but I wasn't sure at that point). I thought about it some more and thought I would take my son, 16, but not my daughter, 13, for a variety of reasons.

Then the more I thought about it, I wasn't sure I wanted to do this at all. After all, I had a lot of questions about where this relationship was going, and I didn't think it was prudent to introduce someone into my kids lives who may not be there two weeks from now. Add in introducing his kid to my kid, it started to unnerve me last night, so I texted him, said I had some questions, he got back to me, and we talked today.

So this is what it boiled down to, where I need to know if I am doing the right thing...I asked him (and trust me, this was sooo painful for me to do, I do NOT do "feelings" well) where this "thing" is going, and I explained about the kids, and frankly, ME wanting to know. He doesn't consider me a girlfriend at this point, though doesn't rule out the possibility. He thinks I am really nice and loves sleeping with me. He thinks the distance is a problem (45 minute drive). I asked him if he was sleeping with other people (I mentioned I wanted to go on birth control, doctor suggested IUD, but only if no one is sleeping around), and he said no, but wouldn't guarantee monogamy...He said that he is being cautious because he doesn't want to get hurt, he wants to take things slow. He was very patient with me on the phone, asked if I had more questions, still said he wants to see me.

I said my biggest concern was for the kids, I really like him, I think they would, too, but that unless there is some kind of LT feeling, I don't want to get them involved. He seemed to feel that they should know I have men friends and what I do in the bedroom is non of their business. While I totally agree with that part, I don't agree with his assertion that kids need to learn that people come and go. Not my kids at this point in their lives.

I think it is time to move on. The vibe that I am getting is that I am a FWB. While I am not ready for a full on commitment, I also want to be someone's girlfriend. I want to be a priority. For goodness sake, this man is 47 and raising his kid on his own, do they ever stop this nonsense? I feel really sad, because I do enjoy the time I spend with him, and that sex is great, but I don't want that empty feeling that seems to be walking along side of the good feeling.

So, ladies, time to give me your wisdom...move on or take a big fat step back?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 4:05pm

Move on and set some boundaries...big time with him.


You are so right to be getting that vibe and to be protective of your kids. What worries me most here is his mentalty that "your kids should know about you and dating"....yet he is not ready to even call you a girfriend or be exclusive. That would NOT be good for the kids...to introduce them knowing full well he is not into this for long term. He's still shoppin around and when he finds something he likes he is going to take it (sex)...you

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 4:16pm

ITA with Pac on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 4:52pm
I'd suggest turning the other way.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:02pm

Yeah, the attitude kind of surprised me because he, from what I can see, is a very thoughtful dad. He glows when he talks about his kid, so I assumed there would be a level of protectiveness, especially seeing as the kid has a pretty poor relationship with his mom.

I am not the FWB type. I simply am too emotional for that. Again, it makes me sad, but angry at myself for falling for it.

Thanks for the input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:07pm

The biggest shame is that, until today, this is a person that I really thought would be OK to introduce to my kids at some point. I was having such a good time with him, the whole kids thing didn't scare him off, at one point he even gave me some great advice about dealing with them.

Why, on earth, would he want to introduce me to his child, have me SPEND THE WEEKEND with the child, and mine for that matter, without any LT commitment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:18pm

Why, on earth, would he want to introduce me to his child, have me SPEND THE WEEKEND with the child, and mine for that matter, without any LT commitment?


Ummmmmmmmm......................because he is a goober butt??????

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:22pm
Just wish goober butts were easy to identify at the start!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:27pm
Amen to THAT, Sister!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 5:30pm

Just be glad you've only invested 2 months... it could be worse! You could've dated alot longer before finding that out!


I agree with the ladies- back off on this guy if you're wanting something more than he's willing or able to give. If you're okay with a FWB, that's one thing- but keep the kids out of it. But if you are wanting more and he can't give more... then keep you AND the kids out of it!


Having those Talks are always scary, IMO...

~shrimpy


It's never too late to live happily ever after, and always be grateful for those who make our souls blossom.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 6:12pm

Yeah, they should wear a sign or something to identify themselves.


Moon has sworn me into the flip flop bust your butt club and I have a badge now so if you need me to I'll spank him with my thong.

~Pacific~
~Pacific~

Pages