dating *the nice guy*

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
dating *the nice guy*
10
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 3:32pm

I am new here, but I have been lurking for a couple days and find myself in the same boat as many of u.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 4:14pm

Welcome, Mileycat!


First of all, you're in the right place to ask questions...and get advice. You're going to find exceptional women (and even some men) here who know just what you're talking about. So I'm glad yo took the time to write about yourself.


You sound level headed in your dating, the way you are cautious now, and how you mentioned that you ended a relationship that was going nowhere. So it sounds like you have a good intuition in dating and taking care of what you need.


As for the one you are seeing now, I can say that I have BTDT. What did I do? I married him. And I'm not going to say that my lack of chemistry towards him was the only reason we divorced, but it was a big factor. The way I see it, is that if I had had

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 5:17pm

Miley, first off, welcome to our board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 8:06pm
WELCOME to the board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 8:52pm

Welcome to the board mileycat,

Go with your gut: it's saying he's not quite right.

He can be a great guy, but if something is missing, it's missing. Forcing the issue is just going to lead to more disappointment and pain. The longer you keep holding onto him, the longer you're stringing him along while you make a decision: not quite fair, is it?

So let him know in a gentle way that you're not interested in dating him further. You can decide if you want to go the friend route or not; but if he's really interested in you as a partner, then he may just agree to sticking around in the hopes that you'll change your mind.

Tough call, good luck!

The boy

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 08-28-2008 - 10:39pm

Welcome to the Board.


Yeah, I was in a relationship like that and I married him and was miserable for 10 of the 20 years we were married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 9:09am

Wow....not at all what I expected, but thank you so much for all your input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 12:41pm

The challege is to find someone who you sahre both with- passion and compatibility.


Not as easy as it sounds though, I know. Or maybe as we get older/wiser our definition of what passion is and what turns us on changes a bit. So that when Mr Wonderful comes along we will be attracted to him in all ways.


In defining your guy as the sensible choice, it makes sense because we've all been there- dated a nice guy without chemistry. It is safe, but long term without spark and physical connection something is missing.


Its nice to have you hear. Keep us posted on your decision!

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 6:12pm

On the one hand, I understand the passion thing. I fell coo-coo bananas for my husband, but something happened after the kids were born. Then I realized that this guy was all style and no substance. Despite that, I wound up staying with him for 18 years, but I missed having someone who I knew really loved me, and I couldn't even stand for him to touch me (not that he wanted to anyway).

So when I started seeing a guy this summer, I fell hard. He seemed so nice and there was definitely passion there (yowza). However, after he so lamely dumped/ghosted on me, I went back and forth with the passion/dependable thing. I had SO much chemistry with this guy but thinking back after two weeks of no contact, I realized that I just repeated the same pattern as I did with my ex. Sometimes feel bad that it is over (you should have seen me fight with my cellphone this morning about me wanting to call him...I resisted!!!) I know that it would have fizzled...again, style, no substance.

So what to do? I think you can have both. But the balance is what is in order. I think you can have some passion, but not the kind you are used to (the coo-coo bananas kind). I think you can have substance, too, but more than you are used to. It's a whole new mindset and expectation.

Now if I can follow my own advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 08-29-2008 - 6:43pm

Interesting thoughts, startover.... I've never actually heard it put that way before- but I agree, balance is the key. We all want BOTH the passion and the substance.


But to go ahead with the passion before you know the substance is there- is the wrong move, IMO. Like the summer guy for you, unfortunately. I'm not sure how you can avoid it next time except to find the man with the passion (the chemistry) but hold off on ACTING on it until you are more sure about the substance part. SUCKS that it means having to wait and squirm and tease for longer than you'd want (especially if the passion is there!) but dang it if I haven't lived too many relationships in the past of passion-without-substance. BTDT many times over. And the only way I've figured out how to start weeding out the passion-seekers before getting in too deep, is to make them wait. Which means making myself wait too- but I'd rather know that the man is around for more than just the sacking... before the sacking happens. (although that sacking can be sooo fun- it's no fun if I end up feeling used later)


As for Mileycat... yeah, shoot for a partner who can offer both. Easier said than done- but just be ready to keep saying "Next!!" if it's just not right. You deserve to have both passion and substance.


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:16am

ugh...its just so hard to let it go.....he is such a great guy.....he has sooooo much of what I am looking for, it seems he should be perfect for me....yet something is just missing.....