Why is this bugging me so much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Why is this bugging me so much?
14
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 12:26pm
So I never heard from summer guy again. I have been on dating sites and have started up conversations with a bunch of guys, some seem promising, a few having me laughing hysterically (I think that is so hot). So why do I keep thinking about summer guy? Is it the fact that one day we are talking about spending the weekend together with kids and then practically the next day he won't speak to me? I realize the silent treatment is a huge red flag, but geez, I had such a good time with him. I want to move on, but do you think that the fact that I had no "closure" (I don't know what caused the sudden change, plus I like to learn from my mistakes) is the reason this is still gnawing at me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 2:53pm
Its the lack of closure, and sitting there constantly asking yourself WHY? Everything was great... why? I have a hard time not blaming myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong that last time I saw the guy or something. I came to this msg board after the exact same thing happened to me. At least I got an email then the silent treatment. Hell, this guy was going to get cable (he didn't watch tv) for the girls so they weren't bored when I was over there and two days later I got the whole its not you its me thing. I still think about him.. I think the main reason is that we (you and I) were in such a high place, things were great. Being left without no rhyme or reason just can leave you spinning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 08-31-2008 - 3:08pm
I think that is exactly what it is. I was starting to feel a level of comfort, he was calling me on my vacation, he wanted to meet my kids. I was feeling like the real me was coming back after years of being tamped down by my ex. This guy inspired me to get in touch with my old friends from college, and when I told him that it was working out, he wanted to host the party! To go from that to dead silence is so confusing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 12:39pm

I have never had a "ghost" like this, however I have had 2 months of solid exclusive dating with talks of the future and a vacation to Hawaii with a guy (who was from my country which made it even more of a shock for me), for it to take a total turn around

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 12:56pm

I still think that you can't really know someone well until you've dated them for a year. People can ride the wave of infatuation for awhile- but not for that long, without the red flags showing up SOMEWHERE during that time, if there are any. You'll get to see them as each of the 4 seasons go by... and see how they are with weather changes, kids' school schedule changes, seasonal work changes, etc.


I don't want to harp on anything, and I know not everyone can "go slow" with a relationship (nor does everyone even WANT to)... but for me, I just have to go slow. I've rushed things too quickly, too many times in the past that I just don't see the benefit of diving in too quickly and investing too much of my life energy into someone I don't truly know yet. A couple of months of dating -IMO- is just a mere BLIP in the scheme of things.


My dad had his stent placement procedure done at the beginning of August. His 2-week follow-up came in a BLINK and now here it is, already a month after... and in many ways, it seems like it was only a week or two ago. My kids were off visiting their dad for 1.5 months this summer... and that went by like it might've been 3 weeks' time. I've been dating Hiker for 3 yrs... and it doesn't even seem NEAR that long.


I'm not belittling your feelings about feeling loss. Or wondering just WHY and wanting some sort of explanation and closure. Those are very real! I'm curious as he!! just why these men will ghost after coming on so strong at first, too. But dang it if I will let a man's coming-on-strong sweep me away ever again. I just don't trust it when men act that way. Give me slow-moving energy any old day!


((((((((hugs))))))))))


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:12pm

A couple of months of dating -IMO- is just a mere BLIP in the scheme of things.


But dang it if I will let a man's coming-on-strong sweep me away ever again. I just don't trust it when men act that way. Give me slow-moving energy any old day!


mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 1:46pm
My opinion is it isn't so much closure as it is you thinking it was "you".
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 2:25pm

well, i've made no secret that it's taken me a long time to move on from the last one... and the breakup goes round and round in my head too some days... I wanted it to just go away quickly. Like most of the guys i dated before... move on and never look back. However, in life, sure it's normal to find ourselves going round and round.


In that case, just kick yourself in the head (well, not literally) and forgive him, forgive yourself.. snap out of it. That's not to say you won't have days when that round and round thinking starts again. Kick yourself again. Forgive him for being a creep or being insensitive, etc. Forgive yourself for falling for it, for dwelling on it, etc... and look ahead.


There is no right or wrong answer.. TIME is the only thing that truly helps. I say allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. One day at a time and it does get better. Chin up.


Love,


Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:20pm

Part of me is doing the "kick myself in the head" for falling for it. My ex had me so bamboozled that I decided that when I started dating that I would be hyper aware of when I was acting a certain way (needy) or when my date was acting a certain way (controlling). I kick myself because I think both things happened.

So as y'all say, it's a learning experience. Except I'm back in grad school classes and I am a teacher, and some days I don't feel like learning...it's exhausting!!!!

Thanks to all for all your help and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:37pm

"Part of me is doing the "kick myself in the head" for falling for it."

He didn't give you any indication as things were progressing that he was being shady or was a "con-man", so don't beat yourself for "falling for it"... this isn't a scam he pulled on you.

He was likely very into you at the time, but something changed and after you put the brakes on meeting of the kids, he decided it wasn't what he wanted. Sure, he SAID that things wouldn't change, but he likely only said what was easier than having to delve into a huge talk about the fact that he was no longer interested in pursuing any further. I mean, what's easier for a guy? Or he could've meant it and then changed his mind.

Who knows?

But he's made it clear that he's no longer interested and you can move on. It's hard without an explanation, but the thing to remember: HIS LOSS.

The boy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 09-01-2008 - 5:44pm

I hope you didn't misunderstand...

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