re: H#4 - in this case is ghosting ok?
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| Mon, 09-01-2008 - 9:42pm |
So quick question.. in the case of H#4, is it okay if i just NOT return any further texts or calls?
He has texted me since admiting he was drunk friday night. At first i wasn't going to completely ghost.. but you tell me if it's the right path to take.
Saturday morning, he texts an apology about bothering me. I sent back an encouragement "it's a new day." My thoughts were if he wanted to jump back on the wagon i'd sent a quick encouragement.. nothing lengthy ya know.
Sunday night i get another series of text from him... this time, he really starts to scare me and frankly it's just sad.. he hints that he's relapsed into drug use... i send back "don't wanna know"... then he says "oh no i'm going to scare you away"... and i say "okay, have fun. be safe." My thoughts, yes, i'm already scared away.. but still, i didn't want to be hateful... especially if he was on something... he wouldn't have cared. I know the drill... again a path i have no intention of going down. Not gonna try to come between a man and his fix. Nor am i going to try to

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Hottie or not... he sounds like a total train wreck. That's really sad for him. Addiction is tough. But I'm glad YOU are not putting yourself into the rescuer spot!!! Yay LB!!!!!! Praying for him is fine... getting involved is not.
I think ghosting is okay too- as you respond less and less, I think he will get the idea. And if he is putting himself back into the realm of addiction, he might not even notice. (Which is yet another reason to not get involved with him- because our LB likes to be noticed!) ;-)
~shrimpy
It's never too late to live happily ever after, and always be grateful for those who make our souls blossom.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Having been married to an addict...yeesh, what a situation. I am SO glad you recognize the codependent thing. A friend of mine gave me a book "Beyond Codependency" when I was leaving my alcoholic husband (she had just left hers). It's been my bedside reading a lot this week.
If you feel funky about ghosting, does he have an e-mail you can write to? Sometimes you can get send a clearer message than a text. I don't think you have to say more than "I don't think we need to go further with this..." But if he is already displaying this kind of behavior so early in the game, I can only imagine what it would be like a few months down the road.
If not, yeah, I think it might be OK, especially since you already have that scary feeling.
If you're feeling badly, then sending him a quick text saying "thanks, but no thanks" text.
You don't owe him an explanation- you weren't dating the guy for a while before ghosting: he was a random guy you met at a bar and you gave him your phone number. He then proceeded to show you who he is: a drug addict/ alcoholic. You have yourself and your children to think about, you don't need a guy like that in your life, or in theirs.
Worst case scenario: you're hanging out in the guy's place and suddenly the cops burst in, they're there to bust the guy for selling drugs. Guess what? You're brought in for questioning and put on the police's radar... the phrase, "known to police..." then comes to mind...
I know you want to save and help everyone, but sweetie, you don't know the guy- he's not a great friend who fell in the dumps, he's a stranger.
So go ahead and stop talking with him. He'll get it soon enough, and if he doesn't, then send him a text asking him to stop contact. Truly he wasn't what you thought he was, and it's ok to not want that sort of person in your life.
I read that book too. GREAT book... another one that really helped me is "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsends. My ex husband is a drug addict \ alcoholic... in fact he's in jail right now for some sort of probation violation involving drugs.
After one year of marriage, i started going to Codependency meetings. Took about a year of those before i left my ex for good. I continued going to meetings for another 2 years.. right up until i moved in March. I knew the 12 steps better than the back of my hand...
No judgement... no anger...
You don't need that in your life.
Ghosting is totally acceptable in this case! HUGE red flags, he's telling you he using. Run girl, Run! I would just ignore the texts, and if you see him you can be friendly but nothing further. NEXT!!
JH
thanks... yes, he hasn't gotten the hint... so i'll have to say something to him....
WHY do the ones you wish would move on keep texting \ calling??
thanks for the suggestions.
Isn't that always the way...the one's that your aren't interested in are up your bum.
JH
okay.. i think i got things straightened out...
I don't know how guys can do ghosting.. that was eating away at me to just ignore the texts.. H4 also called leaving a message to buy me dinner...
So i responded saying "no thanks" and he pressed as to why.. so i said in a text
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