"He finally voiced his concerns about his need for quiet and how kids would get in the way of that.
WHAT? Doesn't he HAVE kids? Can you not set boundaries with all of them to respect his time and space? Of course you can."
My fiancee does not have any kids of his own. His youngest niece is a teenager in college. He doesn't like have noisy kids around either, but he loves my son (who is 4 and can be very noisy) because he loves me and wants to be with me. He has his own office where he can go and work and have his quiet time, but he also makes time to play with my son and spend time with us whenever he can. I feel that a man who can't tolerate the noise of kids (especially if he has kids of his own!!) is not someone who wants to make the effort of dating a single mother. I think that right now he has the exact situation that he wants and he's not going to do a thing to change it. If you're unhappy you need to really step back and decide if you want to keep living this way with him.
Isys This statement speaks volumes: As I said before I can totally see his ex-wife using this situation (if it progressed) to further alienate his kids from him. And of course with my kids in the picture they would be perfect scape goats. So where I'm at now is this. I want to move foward with someone. I'm not sure it's him because I don't like the dynamics of the relationship with his ex and how the kids are used as pawns to get back at each other.
First, since you see this behavior between EG and his X, EG is showing you how he will behave with you. People are creatures of habit. If he uses his kids as a weapon against his X, has not let go of the anger, you cannot put your kids in his path. Second, there is no such thing as Parent Alienation Syndrome. That concept is the result of the opinion of one Psychologist making a lot of money off disgruntled divorced men. The research does not stand up to peer review. The relationship between a child and his/her parent is like any other, built between the interaction of those two people. PsychoBoy tried that card in our divorce, didn't get very far and revealed how much alienation he was attempting with our sons. It backfired big time as S19 will have nothing to do with him. S17 ignores those kinds of comments. As kids get older they figure out they have their own opinions, that adults are not infallible, and they resent being used as pawns in their parents disagreements. The likelihood that EG's kids will be difficult as teens with that kind of home situation and that his X will blame the blended family situation is pretty high.
I think Moon and Mark have given great advice on this situation. It's up to you to decide what you want your future to look like. You sense big problems ahead, gotta go with your own perceptions, your own values.
As far as a comment you made in the original post, I know you are just in a funk and somewhat defensive and I'm not taking this personally but are you aware that the court and mediators and arbitrators in divorce cases of highly paid professionals like doctors and lawyers require that the professional pay the spouse alimony? The rationale, at least in my case it was, is that they want the professional to see that the role of a spouse has value. Also in my case, PB had to buy me out of his degree as I helped pay for it. I was very clear I did not want alimony, wanted no financial ties to PB. But the court won't agree to have one spouse just walk away with most of the cash assets to avoid child support or alimony. What was really funny was PB complaining about how many people he had to hire and pay to replace me at the office and at home. Yet he still thinks I contributed nothing. Ah, well.
QB, whose home is on kind of a slope but not a hill
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Isys, I had to read and then come back and re-read your post.
“He said that I never listen to his solutions, but to me he's never given me anything concrete and it changes daily.”
"He finally voiced his concerns about his need for quiet and how kids would get in the way of that.
WHAT? Doesn't he HAVE kids? Can you not set boundaries with all of them to respect his time and space? Of course you can."
My fiancee does not have any kids of his own. His youngest niece is a teenager in college. He doesn't like have noisy kids around either, but he loves my son (who is 4 and can be very noisy) because he loves me and wants to be with me. He has his own office where he can go and work and have his quiet time, but he also makes time to play with my son and spend time with us whenever he can. I feel that a man who can't tolerate the noise of kids (especially if he has kids of his own!!) is not someone who wants to make the effort of dating a single mother. I think that right now he has the exact situation that he wants and he's not going to do a thing to change it. If you're unhappy you need to really step back and decide if you want to keep living this way with him.
and it sounds that you came away from that exchange as not really knowing what he is asking or saying (“I’m not sure…”)
Exactly and I voiced that last night.
If the kids are being used as pawns by my partner then that is an automatic relationship killer for me.
Isys
This statement speaks volumes:
As I said before I can totally see his ex-wife using this situation (if it progressed) to further alienate his kids from him. And of course with my kids in the picture they would be perfect scape goats.
So where I'm at now is this. I want to move foward with someone. I'm not sure it's him because I don't like the dynamics of the relationship with his ex and how the kids are used as pawns to get back at each other.
First, since you see this behavior between EG and his X, EG is showing you how he will behave with you. People are creatures of habit. If he uses his kids as a weapon against his X, has not let go of the anger, you cannot put your kids in his path.
Second, there is no such thing as Parent Alienation Syndrome. That concept is the result of the opinion of one Psychologist making a lot of money off disgruntled divorced men. The research does not stand up to peer review. The relationship between a child and his/her parent is like any other, built between the interaction of those two people. PsychoBoy tried that card in our divorce, didn't get very far and revealed how much alienation he was attempting with our sons. It backfired big time as S19 will have nothing to do with him. S17 ignores those kinds of comments. As kids get older they figure out they have their own opinions, that adults are not infallible, and they resent being used as pawns in their parents disagreements. The likelihood that EG's kids will be difficult as teens with that kind of home situation and that his X will blame the blended family situation is pretty high.
I think Moon and Mark have given great advice on this situation. It's up to you to decide what you want your future to look like. You sense big problems ahead, gotta go with your own perceptions, your own values.
As far as a comment you made in the original post, I know you are just in a funk and somewhat defensive and I'm not taking this personally but are you aware that the court and mediators and arbitrators in divorce cases of highly paid professionals like doctors and lawyers require that the professional pay the spouse alimony? The rationale, at least in my case it was, is that they want the professional to see that the role of a spouse has value. Also in my case, PB had to buy me out of his degree as I helped pay for it. I was very clear I did not want alimony, wanted no financial ties to PB. But the court won't agree to have one spouse just walk away with most of the cash assets to avoid child support or alimony. What was really funny was PB complaining about how many people he had to hire and pay to replace me at the office and at home. Yet he still thinks I contributed nothing. Ah, well.
QB, whose home is on kind of a slope but not a hill
I say that when I get involved with the woman, it's not just with her but with the entire family and anybody else that affects and influences her.
Actually my house is on a slope too. LOL.
I'm confused.
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