I let myself down
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| Thu, 09-11-2008 - 8:01pm |
I suppose you could call this an update of sorts.
I just learned the other day that something is massively wrong with me healthwise...in addition to my epilepsy. My heart has (literally) been racing and my blood pressure is soaring, just to name a few. My doctor thought I had hypothyroidism. I was thrilled. Then my test came back negative. Now they are leaning towards Lupus. Sigh.
So, I called bf/friend as he is the only one I truly trust to listen and support me. I was so upset and in tears. I am NEVER in tears. He's never heard me cry. He was so thrilled that my test was negative, that he didn't realize NOT having hypothyroidism would upset me. He jokingly said, "I think you're just too hard headed to realize that this is a good thing" and then chuckled. This made me even more upset and I excused myself politely from the conversation. I felt really alone.
Within 10 minutes, he called back. Again, he has never been good at admitting he's wrong, so he just dove right in trying to fix it. He started asking what happened and what the next step was. I got upset all over again (crying...not at him). I apologized for being emotional. It wasn't that long ago that he simply couldn't deal well with an emotional me very well. He has been working very hard at improving here. I admire that. After my apology for being upset, he said that it was fine...that I needed to vent and he knew I needed someone to talk to and to not worry about it.
I have told him for a long time that he is the first person to come along who knew how to calm me down. You see, I am a fixer. I am the person who has the answers to life's general dilemmas (I just can't figure out my own dilemmas). I am usually very level-headed and I tend to be the person others lean on. When I get upset, it freaks people out plain and simple. The fixer shouldn't have to be fixed. Bf/friend knows

After reading this post, I went back and re-read your first one.
Alma,
First. I am sorry to hear of your health worry. I know about Lupus. My daughter has an Autoimmune disorder and for a while had to rule out Lupus. She does not have it. And I understand your worry. I will be sending good vibes and prayers for a good outcome of your tests.
As for reading the subtleties, yes I think you are very good at reading them. Like on your drive with bf, the way you describe him wanting to make such contact. My advice for what it is worth..is to finally come out of your head and out all of your thoughts into words with him. You are very well spoken as you write and as you think..so I would imagine you are just as good at verbalizing these things. You seem thoughtful and I bet that if you put these things in words to him, he would appreciate it more than you know.
How about telling him that you wanted very much to let down your boundary when he left. Let him know you want that physical connection with him. But at the same time, what you need is some verbal clarification of what terms you are one. Sure, you can bend your rule, but what about asking him if you can get past the whole friends talk thing. Can you move forward, and be more than friends? Is it possible for him? I think that the subject warrants another discussion. Sure it is scary-- bit the payoff to open (sometime scary) honesty is huge. You become closer and trust fosters.
I see nothing wrong with emailing him your thoughts. Just let it be the beginning..let an email open up the door to face to face conversation. It sounds to me he would be very receptive.