Relationship Milestone

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Relationship Milestone
12
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 2:39pm

We had our first, real, honest-to-goodness, I-wanna-walk-away argument this weekend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 2:54pm

Mark,


I realize that you and CNDG have remained friends, but she is one that you DID have a romantic connection with and WERE upset over the break up.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 2:58pm

Hats off to you both for getting through that difficult topic. I know first hand how CW felt, because that is what I went through with BE and his communication with BroomHilda. What really scared and upset me was the fact that he would not have conversations with her in my presence. How did you resolve this with CW? Did you tell her that you would not mind talking to CNDG in front of her from this point on? And if you sill don't want to, what is it that you need to keep seperate? Do you not talk to any other friends in CW's presense?


In my case, BE would talk to anyone else with me there. But not BH. That bothered me greatly. I guess that I can relate to CW in that way. Do you mind that I ask.. is there still an emotional connection to CNDG that would threaten your relationship with CW of she were to hear your conversations? Do you sill hold onto any hope for you and CNDG?


Again...kuddos for gettting over a speedbump! It is a good milestone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 3:07pm

Mark,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 3:14pm

Mark,


I like her and your ideas of working on

anonymous
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 3:49pm

I agree that I don't HAVE to tell her anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 4:28pm

Hi, Mark.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 6:36pm

Thanks Priscilla for your views on taking phone calls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 6:55pm

"Mark who will now turn off his phone more often"


Oh I like that idea the best. I mean if we got through the old days prior to cell phones we can turn them off on occasion.


I think I might try that myself.


Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 7:02pm

CW can view my actions as fishy or not but as I stated before that's her issue not mine.


While I can respect your ownership of baggage and your boundaries Mark, I do feel IMO that when you are in a commited realtionship these things become a "we" issue. It is one thing to define what is your and hers as far as baggage and fears and ghosts, but yet another thing to validate those fears and come to an understanding. I find that sometimes it takes bending or comprimise, even if the issue at hand truly is something I might see in my eyes as "their issue". I still come to a middle groud because things are not as poloraized as 'yours her issues.'


If a SO said to me that it is all my issue, and then did not do anything to help come up with a solution to make "us " work better I would be

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 9:09pm

I agree if I take a confrontational stance of "That's your issue, deal with it and I'm not going to change" then I'm not signaling a desire for a close relationship. It's a dialog. It's acknowledging each other's feelings and wounds. It's knowing what each of us needs, e.g. respect, trust, privacy, etc.

I like Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication (NVC) model of meeting each of our own needs (http://www.cnvc.org/en/what-nvc/needs-list/needs-inventory) without denying the other's need. It is how (the strategy) we meet the need is the key.

Acknowledging each other's feelings and knowing the need behind the feeling is what NVC talks about. I know that close relationships challenge me in practicing that but that's why I love close relationships.

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







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