Really frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Really frustrated
8
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 1:15am

So things seem to be going well for us. I've braved the intimacy talk with much success. He still calls every day with the exception of weekends with his boys and (of course) Sundays...football you know. ;-) I'm good with that. I now have Girl's Sundays Out.


The thing is, he travels alot this time of year. I know this. I am about to start a job and he is very supportive. Still, we aren't going to see as much of each other. Most of our time together was in afternoons when he worked from home after a business trip (he gets 1 day work at home for every 2 days travel). Now, we are left to our weekends without the kids. I didn't see him the last weekend without the kids. He ended up having his boys while his exw went to an all day concert. I was fine with that. Today he called very excited to tell me that he found a long lost cousin a state away. He has been trying to reconnect with all of his family. I help him research where they are quite often and many times take trips with him to visit them. He quickly told me that he was going with his aunt and uncle and his sister to meet this long lost cousin the next weekend without the kids. He was so excited! So is his sister. She told me that they've been looking for this cousin for quite some time.


I know this is his way of breaking it to me gently that he'd be unavailable again. He is so busy working right now that I don't begrudge him on how he spends his free time. Still, I'm really starting to miss him. That does bother me. I would love to see him after work sometimes when he works in town (which is rare). I'll give him this much, he calls and checks on me and talks to me regularly. It just isn't the same as having him with me though. It's even worse when he calls me on his trips and tells me how lonely the jacuzzi is or how big and empty the king sized bed is.


Sometimes I feel like he's pulling away from me a bit. He did this when work got hectic last year too. He said that he felt guilty for not being around enough for me. It took a long time for me to convince him that I understand his work schedule. He's been talking a lot about changing jobs so he won't have to travel. I know it is a good sign. Honestly, I was about to give him his space when he surprised me today.


He has always gotten a laugh out of the fact that I often attract just as many older (much, MUCH older) men as I do men my own age. When I get hit on by elderly me, he laughs. Not at them, mind you. That isn't him. He just thinks its funny that is the demographic I attract. Frankly, I do too. Usually, I can share my stories with him and know that he will find them as humorous as I do. Today I told him about the very elderly man getting his blood drawn in the chair across from me. He had a keen eye on me as I was only in my cami and bra...they had me take off my jacket to draw the blood. As he left, he walked over, told me, "Well, in case I die in surgery Wednesday, I just want to wish you well." With that, he reached out an caressed my shoulder and collarbone just above my right breast. The lab attendant drawing my blood was as shocked as I was. I'm lucky I didn't end up as shish-ka-bob.


I told bf/friend about this expecting a huge chuckle. Nothing. Dead silence. "Isn't that funny?" I asked him. For the first time, I could tell he was irritated with my older crowd. "Yeah I suppose, but I don't know why he had to do that." I was shocked. Jealousy was definitely apparent. This was definitely new. It went on from there, him definitely showing more "boyfriend" signs than "friend" signs. I am getting so confused...and frustrated.


I want to tell him how I feel. I am empowered from having and initiating the intimacy talk, but I am still hesitant to actually come out and tell him I have feelings for him...forget it...that I love him because I do. I'm frustrated with him not having time to spend with me. I'm frustrated with him showing obvious boyfriend signs, yet not actually telling me how he feels. I'm frustrated that I can't bring myself to tell him. I mean, how do I tell him this? Even if we tried a relationship and it didn't work, I would still be his friend and would laugh about it 10 years from now with him. I'm just so afraid I wouldn't get past "BF, I really do have feelings for you and I think you might too..." I just picture his knee jerk reaction as he goes to protect himself and hide inside his "friends" defense. Not saying it is what he'd do, I'm just afraid that's what he'd do. No reason, just my fear.


Plus, I'll be honest. No matter how badly I want to tell him this, I really want to wait until after my b-day next month. Not for the gifts...not at all. I don't expect any. More for the fact that I am tired of being alone on my birthday these last 6 years. It would be nice to have someone around. I really kind of want to wait until January...after the holidays and after his work schedule slows down. Do you think this is too late? I just don't know how to approach this. I am SO frustrated with the who thing. I love him so much, but it is really stressing me out.


Help!


Almalibra

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 2:06am

Almalibra,

You said you are empowered in being able to share how you feel about him, how frustrated you are in the lack of time together, and your frustration of him not sharing how he feels with you AND you are afraid to do any of that. It sounds like you are ready to pop from not doing any of that. Also it sounds the main reason that is holding you back is your fear of his predicted reaction.

Did he not do that already? Did you not already shared your feelings with him (and from your previous post that it was the hardest thing you've ever done, Posting 13315.1)?

So it sounds like you have been there, done that and looping back again. Re-read your own postings and take a moment to tap into your own wisdom otherwise you will continue to loop.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 2:55am

The "hardest thing I've ever done" was in reference to me telling him that I wished I had never cut intimacy out between us. It was a hard thing for me to do and a step closer to me telling him my true feelings.


Yes, I am holding back from telling him how I feel because of my fear. I have no reservations in admitting that. I am flipping terrified. I'm still learning to deal with all my baggage. Just because I conquered one type of conversation doesn't mean that I feel ready for THE conversation.


He shared how he felt about our being intimate again. Yes, we talked and shared about this. Neither of us has been brave enough to tackle the big topic of exactly what we mean to each other. I think he's afraid of a relationship failing and me leaving. I'm just afraid that he will listen to me, but run to his "friends" response to protect himself. Not saying this will happen. But I am human and yes, I am scared.


And about to pop? You aren't kidding. Yes, I am. I have re-read my postings...several times. I haven't looped around again. I have progressed to a new level which is what should be happening. I'm just scared to test the waters.


Almalibra

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 8:39am

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself" ... right?

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Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 12:04pm

If YOU are OK with waiting till January to air it out then wait. But of it feels pressing then it could be time to talk now. I know you are scared of his knee jerk reaction. But you know, after thinking about this, it seems to me that a man who wants a real solid relationship will do the work and take the risks and not hide behind the friends label. From what you wrote, it seems he does want a solid relationship with you. So, maybe it is a matter of wording? In other words, you don't even have to bring up the word friends of commitment. But maybe talk, and in that talk mention that when you are in an intimate relationship, you appreciate and desire exclusivity, and that you are not interested in seeing anyone else. Open up the door for him to say the same to you. If you can establish that (exclusivity) then it would really not matter WHAT he calls it...you are more than friends.


I guess that for me I would not be OK with him hiding behind the friends label because to me it leaves a loophole for him to do as he pleases (non committal) and always have that "we were just friends" thing to fall back on.


Follow your heart, Alma! If it is telling you that you want more definition in this relationship, then say so to him. As John Mayer sings so well "Say what you need to Say"


pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
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Registered: 01-03-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 3:21pm

Deep down, I know you're right. Something tells me that he wants to have the talk as much as I do. I think we both will be pleasantly surprised...it's just so scary! ;-)


I know why he's pulling away. His mantra this entire time I've known him has been that he doesn't want to hurt me. He is afraid if he (even accidentally) hurts me, that I will get angry and leave. That's his baggage, but it is our issue to deal with. Right now, he is beyond swamped with work. If he's home, he's either with his boys or visiting his mother in assisted living. If he isn't with either of those people, he's watching football. Again, not begrudging him his guy time. Plain and simple, he feels badly that he isn't around as much. He's pulling away anticipating me getting irritated and walking away. His exw left him because she was bored with being married. Given the way he reacts to his busy work schedule, I have the sneaking suspicion that she had issues with how much he traveled too. He is subconsciously assuming I will make the same move his exw did and give up on him. So, I don't think it is a voluntary pulling away.


As for him not eating lunch with me when in town or stopping by, it has a lot to do with family again. He has business meetings at lunch quite often and when he doesn't, he usually leaves work around 3pm to pick up his boys at school (they go to school nearly 50 miles from where he works and 25 miles from where he lives). Until the new year, I have to be reasonable. I know his schedule. I'm being too hard headed. Besides, I start a teaching job tomorrow. I'll be swamped too. He has agreed, when he has 5 minutes, to help me take my things in to my classroom and I will make him dinner. I look forward to that.


I do need to make my feelings clear. Believe it or not, I am ready. It scares me to death, but I am ready. Not saying I'll do it tomorrow. Still going to wait for my birthday to pass. Selfish? yep. But it is what I've decided to do.

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Registered: 01-03-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 4:04pm

Wow, you hit the nail on the head. It is SO a matter of wording. I couldn't sleep last night just trying to figure out how to approach all of this without making him feel like he's being called on the carpet. I think, honestly, the wording issues scares me more than anything else.


I do know one thing. I can't just waltz in to him and tell him plain and simple: "I love you". Even if it is what he wants to hear, it will freak the bejeebers out of him. We already have exclusivity in intimacy established, crazy as that sounds. It comes back to neither of us wanting to hurt the other one. We came to an understanding a week after we met on that. I know...we can't tell each other what we feel, but when it comes to protecting one another, we have that covered. Crazy.


And you are right. I am not ok with him hiding behind the friends label, but in all fairness to him, he hasn't referred to us as "friends" since then. Ok...once. He decided (for some weird reason) to call my dad just to chat. He'd never called him before. When my dad was trying to figure out who was calling him, bf/friend finally, after several explanations, told my father, "You know...*name*...Alma's friend!" That is the one and only time he's used it and it was only after many, many attempts at clarifying to my nearly deaf father who he was. All other times I am referred to by my name or he includes me with him when we are out and about. It is "we" this and "we" that when we are at stores, restaurants, or even meeting new people. In fact, he totally took me off guard not long ago in regards to our hobby (genealogy). He had me over and excitedly handed me something he scribbled on a piece of paper. I looked to see (in total shock) that he had created a yahoo account to subscribe to history newletters, etc. The biggest shock? It was a joint account. Not only was it a joint account, but the address is his first name and my first name put together. Being that his job is computers, this completely floored me.


So yeah, I think that is why my fear is that he will run to the friends excuse. Maybe *I* am being hard headed in this case Pac. Perhaps I'm not giving him enough credit. Just because he did that once, doesn't mean he'll do it again. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't regret it and can't figure out how to get out of it. Maybe, just maybe, he is praying I will "rescue" him from trying to figure out how to back out of that by bringing it up myself.


Still, selfish or no, I'm waiting til after my b-day. It may be before January tho. I think it is time.


Almalibra

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Registered: 08-28-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 5:44pm

It sounds like you have a good resolve and a well thought out plan. I bet he will be receptive to whatever you tell him, because everything seems to point to his being happy in this with you and wanting to stay that way!


I dont think its selfish to wait till after your b-day. Which is when, by the way?

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 6:23pm

Well, I do have the resolve...not so sure about the plan yet. I'm getting there. ;-) You're right, everything does point to him wanting to be with me. It was so cute today. Before flying out for yet another business trip, he called me this morning twice. I was surprised because he usually doesn't call before flying out due to the rush to the airport, checking in, meeting co-workers going on the same flight, etc. Then he really surprised me when he said he'd call me tonight. You see, tonight is the premiere of "House". That is one of his favorite shows, but he made sure to let me know that I was his priority before the premiere. This is a step up from last year. Some people think I'm a sap for letting him enjoy his tv, but he is always go go go, and I know what it is to need alone down time.


I'm glad it doesn't seem selfish to wait until after my birthday. Exh ignored my birthday our last two years together. We separated in 2003 and divorced in 2004. He never takes DD out to get me a gift, so my last 6 birthdays have been spent taking her to Target, handing her money and shadowing her closely as she "shops" for me and then "pays" for it on her own. Don't know, just 6 years of taking her shopping for my gift with my money and then coming home to no one and no phone call, it just got really depressing. I am looking forward to a year where I can actually talk to a someone special in my life at least on the phone (we have our kids my birthday weekend). At least this way I know I will have good conversation and be wished a happy birthday.


As for when my birthday is...October 18th. What I wouldn't do for a spring birthday! There are only so many black cats, witches and pumpkins a girl can take on her birthday cakes! :-D