Question! Do you talk about the past?
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Question! Do you talk about the past?
| Thu, 09-18-2008 - 3:29pm |
I saw this posted on Craigslist:
Just curious but why is it that some chicks want to talk about their ex boy friends or husbands? I mean your on a date, or maybe even its the phone calls leading up to the date, whatever, and inevitably some comment is made about the previous loser she was with. I don't get it. Should I play along and spill the beans on all the women I've been with? I just don't see how that is productive. I read something somewhere that stated "if shes talking to you about her ex...she sees you as one of her girl friends and has no interest in you beyond being friends". Is that true? Just wondering...seems to be happening a lot lately. Sure gets me looking for the exits.
So I felt the need to reply via email:
Thats totally untrue about the woman looking at you as a friend if she talks about her ex's.

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Personally I don't like to open up the "ex files" unless absolutely necessary.
I think it depends.
To me its part of their past like learning where they came from, where they grew up, where did they go to school, what did they major in. I know to some that may seem odd.. but to hear them talk about why things ended just gives me so much insight to them. And how they talk about their ex is huge! Although yes, it CAN go overboard. Like I said there is a line there, and you have to be aware of where that line is.
Medic and I talked about our marriages ONE night, and thats it. I wanted to know, and I wanted to share.. but there has been no more talk about the past except for a few random things that came up. With this one guy I'm chatting it up with.. we discussed it all ONE night.. and thats enough.
I agree with Isys. When I first started dating, the guy inevitably would bring up the subject, it's a natural one when one is divorced. The guys seem to be getting a feel for how many previous relationships the woman has had. With me they always asked for more info as I came out of a long marriage and my daughter is so much younger than my sons. But, I learned to keep that subject to a short, basic, info only conversation, then change the subject fast.If I let myself be talked into more than that, the guy always ghosted. Let's face it, would you date someone with an X like PB?
I have learned the response the guy wants is," He was a decent guy, we just wanted different things" or simply "We changed over those years and grew apart" Then move on to the present and switch the conversation back to him. As the relationship grows, then it is appropriate for more of the "X Files" to come out, as everyone has baggage, and it is good to be aware of where that comes from.
I've been with M over 2 years, he still only has about 1/4 of the story of my life w/PB. I just do not want to relive all that pain. He tells me as much about his X and certainly vents about the stuff that comes up now. We both are not shy about letting the other know when the X discussion has reached the irritation point, and both know to end it right there, move on to something more pleasant.
QB
I have a feeling that Craigslist guy feels insecure when a date mentions a past guy...because GOD forbid she was ever WITH another man and had any kind of past before he graced her presence, right? Sheesh.
But I agree- on the first couple of dates I would keep the ex talk light. Then if things evolve I would divulge more because just like you said..I think we can learn from our past about what we want in our present/future.
Sometimes BE feels very free to tell me way too much about his past with women...I just stop him by putting my hands in the "T" Time out sign position and say "OK...TMI". He laughs and stops :o)
i agree with Pac here...i don't talk about the ex thing unless the date asks. EHS doesn't know the whole story and I don't know his. However both of our exs cheated. he is civil with his ex only if they talk about his DD. Its the same with my ex and I. Ex and I don't talk about our divorce because then it turns into disagreeing, arguing, and bitching.
Craigslist guy sounds like he could be my exF. He used to get pissed at me when I would speak civilly with my ex.
JL
I think at some point early in the relationship its important to know about the person's past including failed relationships. At age 46 and 48 EMT and I have quite a long past. I want to know why my date is coming from and type of lifestyle lived. Culture, lifestyle and relationships all makeup part of what a person is. Its part of the getting to know process.
Oh and not all prior relationships were with losers.
Laurie
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