Am I wrong to be so hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Am I wrong to be so hurt?
11
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 11:27am

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 11:45am
I have a few comments on this, but basically, I would say, get over the past. You were only dating and he's obviously proven that since August you both are exclusive. Anyone that would share all he has, I'm just surprised. Or even shocked about the accounts, money and all of what you both are sharing when you aren't even married yet. I would never ever do that unless I had a ring on my finger. Including letting someone I'm dating having my email passwords. However, to each their own. It's obvious he's very much into you, so what more do you want? That was over 6 months ago and you agree things weren't really great and possibly not really clear to him yet, regarding being exclusive when you both has issues still needing resolved. You can continue to condemn him for that and find a reason to be mistrusting (which means to me, your just finding excuses now) OR you can move on and enjoy what you have now, which is: a great trusting relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 11:48am
Please don't take my questions the wrong way, but why is he closing all his accounts and giving you all his money? That seems a little strange to me. What are you two doing with his house? Do you own a house as well?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:17pm

Yes, you're wrong to be bringing it up as a "hurt" when it was in past and you were not on solid ground at that point... he has given you an explanation of his actions and made every effort to show you that he's here NOW for you NOW.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:32pm

It would be easy from the outside to say "its nothing, the past is the past, get over it" etc. But I know that it is not just that easy. Granted, what you have right now is solid and he obviously adores you. But I still know why you are feeling like you are because I have, too. I'll tell you my story so maybe you can see how I went through that emotionally.


BE and I have been exclusive for two years. We became exclusive after only two weeks of dating, just before we were first intimate is when we discussed not seeing anyone else. He has never strayed outside of our commitment, however I too read an email I did not like. That happened about 9 months ago.


We both use his computer, and he does not have anything to hide. So I was going through some files and ran across his "correspondence/saved emails" file. I found that he had written to an ex fling and she had written back. It was not sexual at all. But what bugged me was that in the first few I read he never mentioned he was dating me. In one, she said she was coming to town to visit

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:40pm

Ok, my two cents, as usual. LOL.
The DIFFERENCE IS....
You both were together over a year when that happened and that is a whole DIFFERENT scenario. I would have been ALL over that one. With her, they had been seeing each other only since January, which in May would have been 4 months.

A 4 month relationship verses anything over a year, where this may have happened is a huge difference to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:42pm

you're wrong to be bringing it up as a "hurt" when it was in past and you were not on solid ground at that point'


I agree with letting it go. How can they move forward without trust..all of that. But I one thing I wonder about, and I wonder about the opinions on the board about this. Does it make it OK for a guy (or girl) to begin looking outside the relationship when things start getting rocky? Or, should not that person who feels like looking elsewhere instead talk to the other, and communicate what is missing.


I think it is the number one reason people stray? Because something is missing or something feels unstable or rocky. And it is easier to look elsewhere than to look into the relationship. I am just curious to how everyone feels about this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:45pm

You are NEVER wrong for how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings and you really have no control over it. I say, feel what you feel and dont feel guilty about how you feel. How people react to their feelings vary so much. You can talk to him about them and keep things open or you can deal with them on your own. There is really no right or wrong way. Thing before you act on them but dont ever feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

Laurie

anonymous
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 12:53pm
Depends how "stable" the relationship is. I'm a firm believer that if you are in a deep relationship, you look only "after" you say it is over. However, if the relationship was never really exclusive then it's fair game to all. I'm just SO opinionated on this topic that I am going to sit on the fence and read what others say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 1:09pm

Thank you for all your replies, first off, my main concern and I discussed it with him, I straight out asked him, if things get rocky in the future, if you get scared, are you going to go on singles sites, I said to him, I am scared right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 7:34am
Just wanted to weigh in on your question. I think it is easier (doesn't make it right mind you!) to confide in someone else about your relationship issues rather than working it out with the person you have the issue with.What's right isn't always easy. I see this in a relationship I have with a man I know.I started by being attracted to him, became friends because of it, but then found out he is in a relationship. Makes him off limits for me.I know about his issues with his GF's children, with her, his insecurities but it's a pretty safe bet SHE hasn't been told the same things and is still in the dark.On the other hand, could it be that he has tried to tell her and she downplayed it and didn't deal with it? If she knew he confided those things in me I know she would be hurt. My Ex had an affair- it hurt me greatly to know that he had confided in another woman and she saw what he felt was missing in our marriage and filled the void. I guess you could say I have been on both sides of the fence on this one! A relationship needs to be honest on all levels in order for it to be healthy. Communication is the key. If the person with issues invested as much time in confiding with their partner as they invest telling someone else about their problems their relationship would be so much better!

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