need advie re:BF's daughter
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| Sun, 12-07-2008 - 1:58pm |
Hi everyone. Need some advice/thoughts. Background: I've been dating a great guy for a year now. We live 90min from each other so usu get together once a week, sometimes twice. We spend every other weekend together b/c we don't have our kids...on the opposite weekends, we do have our kids so we either dont get toether, or we sometimes do something with our children. I have 3 boys (one in college, and 2 little guys)and he has a 13yr old daughter, we each get along fine with the other's kids, and the kids like each other. We have a wonderful relationship, are very much in love, and have spoken about living together at some point in the future.
OK so...very frequently when we try to make plans involving our kids, he changes or cancels them b/c his daughter has already made, or wants to make, plans with friends. She's 13, so of course she wants to be with her friends, and I do not want me and my boys to be forced upon her...but there's been several times lately when we've had definite plans together (set time, place, etc) and he's cancelled last minute, or kept me and my boys waiting at the designated spot, b/c she decided she'd rather do something else. I feel that it's getting to a point of her (and him, b/c he goes along with these last minute changes) being quite inconsiderate of me and my family. He mentioned in a phone conversation yesterday that he and his ex put their daughter first their entire marriage, and neglected the marriage itself (something we'd talked about before.) In the same conversation, I asked him to do something with us on New Years Eve and he said he'd have to check with his daughter, that she might have plans or not want to go unless she could bring a friend, etc...it's very important to me that we get together on NY. My boys and I have a very fun party that we go to every year and I really want him (and her) there. I would like for him to, for once, say to her "I have made plans for us for NY, I'm sorry if you have plans with your friends, but this is what we are doing." So far he seems incapable of putting the brakes on or telling her no and it's really starting to bug me. It's such a delicate business, dealing with conflicts involving your partner's parenting style...should I just suck it up, or do you think it'd be appropriate to say something??

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ok my opinion - I have 2 teen boys 14&17 and girl 11.
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
I see the issue between you and him with him keeping his commitments. I have appreciated the flexibility with the women I have dated when my children have last minute changes they have pulled on me (or their mother has pulled). Their mother has full custody so I spend as much time as I can with my children and they do take priority for me.
With that said, when I make a commitment whether with my date/girlfriend, it's a commitment. I have told my children that they cannot play it loose by keeping our time together "open," i.e. they can spend time with me unless something else better comes up for I too have a social life as well. They are 15 and 19 now but it was more of an issue when my son was in high school a couple of years back.
I don't you as the person to tell your boyfriend what to do with his daughter but if I was you I would hold him to his commitments to you and let him figure out how to best handle his daughter last minute changes.
Mark who does not tolerate people who do not keep their word on things and be unreliable
Jane Sunrise
I would be interested to learn whether the BF actually changes his behavior with dating and his 13-year-old.
My 15 yr old daughter does not do that to me. What I appreciate about her is that she ASKS me if it is OK to change plans from our usual weekly visit/stay over.
For both my teen children, they have their own social life and tend to focus on that more. What I am grateful for is that they also want to spend time with me. Whenever there is a conflict of activities (e.g. their friend/social/school time versus time with me), I give up my time for I believe in them having that time for growing up.
The key is planning ahead, making and keeping commitments, understand the impact of my schedule and their schedule if there are any changes. I am lucky that my children are cognizant of that (more or less LOL).
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
So i hope I dont confuse you here. I have 5 kids and I seperated in 2003 when my oldest daughter was 16. In a marriage YES we make the marrige first in a divorce and after a divorce the kids come first. Now that doesnt mean he should be catering to her every whim and cancel at the last minute. He needs to make her understand that he has riends and plans just as much as she does and how would she like it if at the last minute he couldn help her get to where she needed to go as planned because his plans change. And let him know that it rude to keep you waiting like that. Back to my oldest as I was out on a date with a BF at the time she called and asked me to pick her up at a freinds house. Her plans her origanally to stay the night. Her and her friend werent fighting she just changed her mind. I did not go get her and simply told her you need to stick with your plans and plan a head more offten this last minute stuff is very frustrating. She learned and she also started not just relying on me. Nowyou BFs daughter is 13 so there is a little bit of age differentce and may take longer for her to understand that last minute plans are ok sometimes but will not be OKed all the time. Specailly if te plans that you and your BF have made weeks in advance and she needs to know about them if they involve her. Get a calander and makrk it all down so she has a referance to go off of.
EXCELLENT
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
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