need advie re:BF's daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
need advie re:BF's daughter
16
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 1:58pm

Hi everyone. Need some advice/thoughts. Background: I've been dating a great guy for a year now. We live 90min from each other so usu get together once a week, sometimes twice. We spend every other weekend together b/c we don't have our kids...on the opposite weekends, we do have our kids so we either dont get toether, or we sometimes do something with our children. I have 3 boys (one in college, and 2 little guys)and he has a 13yr old daughter, we each get along fine with the other's kids, and the kids like each other. We have a wonderful relationship, are very much in love, and have spoken about living together at some point in the future.

OK so...very frequently when we try to make plans involving our kids, he changes or cancels them b/c his daughter has already made, or wants to make, plans with friends. She's 13, so of course she wants to be with her friends, and I do not want me and my boys to be forced upon her...but there's been several times lately when we've had definite plans together (set time, place, etc) and he's cancelled last minute, or kept me and my boys waiting at the designated spot, b/c she decided she'd rather do something else. I feel that it's getting to a point of her (and him, b/c he goes along with these last minute changes) being quite inconsiderate of me and my family. He mentioned in a phone conversation yesterday that he and his ex put their daughter first their entire marriage, and neglected the marriage itself (something we'd talked about before.) In the same conversation, I asked him to do something with us on New Years Eve and he said he'd have to check with his daughter, that she might have plans or not want to go unless she could bring a friend, etc...it's very important to me that we get together on NY. My boys and I have a very fun party that we go to every year and I really want him (and her) there. I would like for him to, for once, say to her "I have made plans for us for NY, I'm sorry if you have plans with your friends, but this is what we are doing." So far he seems incapable of putting the brakes on or telling her no and it's really starting to bug me. It's such a delicate business, dealing with conflicts involving your partner's parenting style...should I just suck it up, or do you think it'd be appropriate to say something??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 2:53pm

ok my opinion - I have 2 teen boys 14&17 and girl 11.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 3:38pm
Thanks for the response--I actually just talked to him about it:) She's 13 but more little girl than teenager, she always wants to go places/do things with him, and she enjoys doing stuff with me and my boys...the plans I was referring to in the past are things she has wanted to do, not been dragged along on...this NYE party is more of a teen-oriented thing than a little kid or an adult party so she should have fun. Anyways--the context of his comment regarding his daughter always coming first when he was married was that he and his exwife neglected their marriage completely and that ultimately led to the divorce. So it seems like he is aware there was an unhealthy pattern there, but may not be aware that he is still perpetuatung it. So we just talked and I told him that I really want them to spend NYE with me and my boys and could he possibly tell her that's what they are doing. He said he would, he wants to come with us--he is going to let her bring a friend along (which is of course fine with me) but if she can't get a friend he's going to make it clear that they are coming with us anyways. I understand that kids usu come first--mine do too!!--but I really don't think its OK to constantly break plans (and disappoint my kids) after plans have been made.These plans are always something that she has agreed she wants to do (like I said I wouldnt want to be forced on her) but then after the fact if a friend calls her he lets her just go with the friend and cancels/changes our plans. IMHO that is rude and not teaching her good manners, KWIM?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 5:27pm
oh i see I didnt read properly.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 5:31pm

I see the issue between you and him with him keeping his commitments. I have appreciated the flexibility with the women I have dated when my children have last minute changes they have pulled on me (or their mother has pulled). Their mother has full custody so I spend as much time as I can with my children and they do take priority for me.

With that said, when I make a commitment whether with my date/girlfriend, it's a commitment. I have told my children that they cannot play it loose by keeping our time together "open," i.e. they can spend time with me unless something else better comes up for I too have a social life as well. They are 15 and 19 now but it was more of an issue when my son was in high school a couple of years back.

I don't you as the person to tell your boyfriend what to do with his daughter but if I was you I would hold him to his commitments to you and let him figure out how to best handle his daughter last minute changes.

Mark who does not tolerate people who do not keep their word on things and be unreliable

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:13pm
Expressing your feelings on the matter is always a healthy thing to do. It appears that he has some issue and has said that similar pattern existed in the past. His real problem is likely masked by what he says is a reason is most likely an excuse; putting his daughter first. Any good parent will put family first, however, leaving you and your boys at a destination at the last minute is not the same. Is it him having a fear or insecurity? Perhaps with you or with the daughter? Maybe the daughter is not really happy with the situation and he is afraid of what might happen if he pushes on her. Maybe it is him that has an issue with the relationship with you. Either way, expressing your thoughts and feelings is healthy. Maybe try stating your plans and state also that you are truly hoping he and his daughter can make it so if he continues, you will have a better idea of where you stand with him and also he might not be ready to express himself. And you can go forward to still have a good time along with your sons. Wishing you the best.
Jane Sunrise
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:39pm

I would be interested to learn whether the BF actually changes his behavior with dating and his 13-year-old.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:47pm

My 15 yr old daughter does not do that to me. What I appreciate about her is that she ASKS me if it is OK to change plans from our usual weekly visit/stay over.

For both my teen children, they have their own social life and tend to focus on that more. What I am grateful for is that they also want to spend time with me. Whenever there is a conflict of activities (e.g. their friend/social/school time versus time with me), I give up my time for I believe in them having that time for growing up.

The key is planning ahead, making and keeping commitments, understand the impact of my schedule and their schedule if there are any changes. I am lucky that my children are cognizant of that (more or less LOL).

Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 8:52pm

So i hope I dont confuse you here. I have 5 kids and I seperated in 2003 when my oldest daughter was 16. In a marriage YES we make the marrige first in a divorce and after a divorce the kids come first. Now that doesnt mean he should be catering to her every whim and cancel at the last minute. He needs to make her understand that he has riends and plans just as much as she does and how would she like it if at the last minute he couldn help her get to where she needed to go as planned because his plans change. And let him know that it rude to keep you waiting like that. Back to my oldest as I was out on a date with a BF at the time she called and asked me to pick her up at a freinds house. Her plans her origanally to stay the night. Her and her friend werent fighting she just changed her mind. I did not go get her and simply told her you need to stick with your plans and plan a head more offten this last minute stuff is very frustrating. She learned and she also started not just relying on me. Nowyou BFs daughter is 13 so there is a little bit of age differentce and may take longer for her to understand that last minute plans are ok sometimes but will not be OKed all the time. Specailly if te plans that you and your BF have made weeks in advance and she needs to know about them if they involve her. Get a calander and makrk it all down so she has a referance to go off of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 10:03pm

EXCELLENT

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 10:29pm
My concern was that he would say they'd go with us, then cancel at the last minute b/c she either got invited to a friends', or couldn't find a friend to bring along with us.He emailed me and said that he talked with her and told her that she could bring a friend but if the friend did not pan out, they were going to go ahead and come down here and go to the party with us anyways. He said she appeared fine with this. It gets complicated b/c she is not old enough to be alone for long, and needs constant rides to and from things, and since we live in different states he can't come down here by himself if she decides she'd rather go over a friend's house--it's too far to just come over for a couple hours then go back home to pick her up at her friend's. I believe in single parents' having a life of their own--not at the kids' expense, of course, but there has to be a balance or you end up with a spoiled kid and an unhappy parent, IMHO. I agree with the previous poster who said that if you cater to a kid's every whim, the "kid is then programmed that they come first no matter the plans of anyone else." I do see this happening to some extent with him. I know he doesn't like to tell her no, she's an only child and he struggles with tremendous guilt and sadness over his divorce and not living fulltime with his daughter. I am sure that this happens alot with single dads and only children esp girls. But we have made a real effort to communicate with each other throughout the past year of our relationship, we both feel communication was a huge issue in our previous marriages, and I was able to tell him on the phone earlier that I accept that there are going to be times that his daughter's social life impacts our plans but that I needed him to commit to the plan for NY--and he did work things out. I just want to tread very lightly with him on this b/c I don't want him to feel pulled between the two of us.

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