Why you don't date lesson #127

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Why you don't date lesson #127
19
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 4:27pm

Why you don't date men so soon after a split lesson #127:


WOW. So Irish calls me this morning all upset, his head is spinning, he's been up all night, he's so stressed, everyone wants something from him, everything is getting so serious, his feelings for me are serious, some other girl is trying to make things serious.. yada yada yada he's just rambling on and on.


Meanwhile, I'm wondering why in the hell are you coming to ME with all of this? Then about right then and there he says "Shouldn't that mean something that when I need someone I call you?" Hmm.. So after a lot of rambling that made no sense we agreed to talk later. I was getting ready to get in the shower and it hit me.. omg I know why he's so upset. I KNOW!


So I called him and he answered the phone.. I said "You slept with your ex last night didn't you?" he answered yes, and I just hung up the phone. Now, this man had NO exclusitivity with me however.. I guess I'll explain myself in the email I sent him:


Just the only thing I could think of was to hang up the phone and walk away.. I mean like seriously just walk away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 4:41pm

Oh and something to add to this:


He was telling me the other day about her begging again for him to come back and just this psycho spurt she had. All I said was "Wow, she must really hate herself" and thats the one thing that hit me today with all of this.


I don't hate myself.


lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 7:28pm
Ai, ai, ai, these men! I am so sorry to read this! And I think you're doing the right thing...removing yourself from HIS drama. I know it stings though, and you liked him. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 10:16pm
((((hugs)))) Sweetie. He may be a "great guy", but as you know, its just WAY too early in his break up & growth, for him to get involved seriously with anyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 12:02am
I am sure it hurts and it won't be easy but you need to cut this one loose. He just is not ready yet I do not think and you deserve better and not to be hurt or mixed up in drama!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 1:47pm
You did the right thing. I admire how well you know who you are and he wasn't worthy of you. He disrespected you and he has no respect for himself. Sleeping with his ex who he supposedly hates shows that. It's good you got out now. (((HUGS)))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 2:22pm

Small update... a few text msg's went back and forth last night, and yes I was a tad hatefull. I work with this really sweet young girl who I was talking to about it last night. She asked to see the text msg's and she said "Awe... I feel so bad for him" lol. I was like yah well so do I.. the guy has a lot to deal with, but he brought it on himself and its a huge learning experience for him. However, I just cannot be stuck in the middle of this path to self discovery.


Irish: I read your email. I had to tell you because of my feelings for you. I felt so bad for my weakness. I am glad you responded this way. I hate myself.


Me: I'm sure you're very happy I responded that way because its one less to deal with. I'm sorry to be so hatefull but I am so incredibly dissapointed in you.


Irish: I think we should limit contact between us to text/email if I can grow up that is.


Me: I'm a bit confused with why you even want any contact? So you still have a friend to run to for advice? And this is fair to me how?


Irish: Ok. I'm sorry. I'll stop.


And to verify.. yes there was another woman on top of the ex. I knew Irish was dating around.. remember I knew this, he was very open about it. However, I did not know that anything was heading down a serious path as they were slowly with he and I. He said yesterday morning in his ramblings "I'm no good dating around, I just f'd it all up.. I don't know what I'm doing" Ahhh he's so right about that one.


So mister "You're only the fifth woman I've ever kissed" is getting some big life/dating lessons.


If he would of come to me and said that one of the girl's he went out with he was starting to get feelings for and such along with feelings for me I would of been cool with that. Because from the get go he told me he needed to date around and such. Thats fine! I would of been hurt, I wouldn't of begged or done the whole pick me pick me dance.. but I wouldn't have ran off. I just would of kept things as is, been myself, and let the chips fall where they may. But to sleep with someone who you repeatedly describe as disgusting, psycho, b, omg the list goes on.. is really gross and kinda creepy. Like I thought about it this morning. I thought what if he wanted to come over and see me, hug on me, kiss me... EWWWW! Eww is exactly what came to my mind. He just has this big Eww tag on him now. Blah.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 3:08pm

That's the thing. Dating around was not the issue- never was. It's sleeping with someone he has no respect for. It's nasty.

My friends and I call that eww feeling the Ick. Sometimes it happens for no reason and others it happens for really good reasons (like this situation is a great reason to develop the Ick.)

You did nothing wrong and what bothers me about his texts is how passive aggressive he is. Ugh at least he could be a man instead of a sniveling little child.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 3:48pm

"And this is fair to me how?"

YAY!!! Good for you for standing up for yourself! He deserves nothing further from you- you were open and upfront with him every step of the way, willing to wait for him to take the steps gradually and enjoying yourself. He is an idiot, and you don't need someone that cannot make HEALTHY decisions in his life.

Winter Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 4:35pm

Ugg! Do you ever feel like you just have to be a total B and tear the guy a new one? Its like I just have this overwhelming desire to be so MEAN to him!


I have not logged on to POF in forever and out of the blue yesterday I get an add to favorites email. So I log onto the site to see who it is, and there is the list of everyone who has me on faves, and when they last logged on. Bam.. there's Irish with him logging in THAT day! UGG the nerve I thought!! Ya know? Then I thought ok maybe he changed his profile, or turned it off or something.. but no, it was the same. So I was so fuming I sent a scathing email:


So I had this msg that someone had added me to faves, so I logged on to check it out. There you were, on my faves showing your last log in... today!

I'm curious...

With everything that just went down how could you for one second even consider logging on to a dating site? Seriously John... what the hell?


So the email back was...


I just wanted to look at you OK? I'm still trying to figure myself out.


Ok so part of me kinda went Awe.. yah, I am pretty awesome and you F'd up lol. The other part of me just has this incredible desire to tear him a new one for being so stupid.


Saturday night at work we had a boyfriend shoot and kill a Mom, her son, and shot her daughter with a minor injury as she was running out the door holding another daughter.. 5mo old. We had to sit there and tell this daughter that her whole family was dead. It was so heartbreaking, and it makes you have a love hate relationship with this kind of job. The next day I couldn't get that family off my mind, and that baby. I got to love on the baby for a while.. she was gorgeous! So I got to thinking.. THIS is what happens when you choose to live with "crazy". Why would anyone choose to live with crazy? I mean, does he seriously hate himself just as much as she does?


Am I a horrible person for wanting to just scream at him? Blah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 4:44pm

trauma,

Wow. YOu read him like a book. I am so sorry that happened to you. I would have shut the door on him also if I were in your shoes. There are better men out there. I am impressed by your strength too.

Laurie

anonymous

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