I dont think I can handle the feelings..
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| Sun, 12-14-2008 - 8:20pm |
See I dont think I can handle the unknown. The - what ifs? The fears...Mr. M and I had a fantastic Sat night planned and it all fell through. Mom was supposed to watch DD for me and I was going to get out for dinner and then some - wink wink. So mom has a way of always wreaking havoc on my plans (before you say it , I cant afford a sitter right now and dont want her to know my business with Mr. M - she doesnt even know a teeny tiny bit about anything between us - like it that way) So my plans fell through - he was totally understanding about it and we made plans for tonight. He was going to come to my place make dinner and we would watch the game together. Side note - i havent watched fball since CP - he ruined it for me, i was never really into it it was more about spending some time together - compromise. Anyway sorry way off track, so Mr. M calls me this morning and explains that someone was looking out for us that last night about 10pm he got violently ill (flu like) and was feeling much better this morning and as long as he was still feeling ok we would be on for tonight. Then I get a text at 2 telling me he was feeling bad again and we needed to cancel. I called and asked if he needed anythign i would be more than willing to bring him soup etc...he said that his friend and his roommate were there (he just let a mutual friend of ours stay with him for the winter months until he gets a new place) Im so all over the board with this one sorry - so i said no as long as he wasnt alone thats all i was concerned with but to let me know if he needed anything said he could use a M blanket and sure i could stop by. He called out of work tomorrow and he didnt sound to good but i still get a sinking feeling like somethings up. Maybe its my own insecurities but im freaking. Im freaking because im finally letting my emotions back in and i cant handle it. Im so guarded about everything that i dont want the rug pulled out from under me again. I told him everything last night on the phone to. I told him how i was so disappointed because i was truly looking forward to seeing him and he had to understand that this is huge for me to be able to let my guard down a bit and that i wasnt sure of his intentions but i couldnt handle the friends with bennis thing and that i needed to know what the deal was because if thats it then im out. He said he thought we were past the FWB part and moving towards something else and that he loves the fact that we communicate. I think im freaking because i want to bring up the subject of "exclusive". After Cp i cant handle dating around, never could. I think im just super afraid of the answer from him. I dont know..sorry Im just a bit freaked and soooooo disappointed i didnt get to see him.
M

Thanks...i know its just nerves and jitters and all the good bad and ugly that goes with dating. Its just hes the first guy that has even made me feel remotely sexy again after CP and his wave of destruction. Its just insecurities really. You know I did some Christmas shopping this weekend and had an absolute panic attack over thinking a gift for him. I sawa sweater at American Eagle that would have looked awesome on him and then I thought oh no to personal, perhaps a sweatshirt more playful (he skis in the winter) and it spiraled LOL Im even making his dog a biscuit wreath...to much??? See my brain is on overload...wheres my paper bag??? And I know hes home sick today so Im toying with when to contact him to say hey how are you feeling? Am I really this much of a mess??
Thanks for letting me ramble on...
M
STOP IT!!!!!!!!
I think maybe it might be time for you to clean a closet or busy yourself for an entire day and get off the contact train with him. Just so you settle down and get back to center. You are so cute in being excited and I am so happy you have real feelings for him but you could spiral if you arent careful. Just try and take a step back and focus on something else until he asks you for help in being sick or calls you again - that is my advice:)
Thanks City and Moon, to funny about my cycle. Actually just got over it last week (ive been lucky enough to have it come every 3 weeks now...love my body changing for me ALL THE FREAKIN TIME...but thats another post) Anyway - he emailed me and said he was home today so i called him back. We talked and
M!!
Hang in there. I know how you feel! Ive battled similiar insecurities. Comes with the territory of dating a guy you actually like A