Good to bad to worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Good to bad to worse
15
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 6:54pm

What I thought was going to happen over Christmas has changed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 6:58pm
Alrighty, I feel behind the eight ball here.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 7:11pm

Hey SweetK...


Deep breath. Its OK.... your reaction is normal! I think most everyone would feel as you do. Your time with CK is valued and the issue at hand is that at this point (at this moment) you are on different pages as far as what takes priority.


I feel your anxiety. I understand it. I think I've been in your shoes- it feels familiar. What I think you can do for starters is give yourself a big ol break on the feeling guilty. Your feelings are valid...even if CK does not see that.


CK will ultimately do what he wants on Christmas, you can't stop him. But what you can do, what is your right to do, is to express how this is

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 7:37pm

If you read the thread How to I get past this, I think you will get all of the explanation you need!


Thanks for the offer of knocking upside his head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 7:39pm
Thanks Pacific.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 8:33pm
Uhoh. I really sighed when I saw your post title. Sometimes when you are understanding about friends the taking a mile instead of an inch thing pops up. I still feel as I did in my original post which is that there needs to be a priority set in terms of couple time around holidays so that new traditions can be made. I guess I must feel very strongly about it huh? I really do because in the past I have been pushed to the side of other plans and friends or other distant family has come first and I was too timid to voice my hurt. But now I am in a better place and I dont hide feelings. I think you have done great in this situation so far and I understand why you are sick to your stomach but sometimes expressing your true feelings comes with risks and it is still ok to do so. You cant know what he is truly feeling but hopefully the two of you will discuss this in person at some point.
I have to wonder - does he conside this female friend to be like family to him? Like a sister almost? Does he have close family around? Sorry if you have already answered this? I have a few male friends who feel like brothers to me. So I wouldnt feel weird having them in for all of Christmas Day. But as I type that I think SYB would still look at me funny if I did like "What's up with so and so here all day Christmas?" Some of the holiday sure, but all of it?? It seems strange to me.
BIG HUGS. I hope you get some peace of mind soon over this.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 9:32pm

City,


I appreciate your support and continued conversation which is allowing me to vent all of this.


I believe he thinks of her as family.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 9:40pm

Sorry for what is going on SweetKYmom. Sucks to be the "other" woman huh?
When I was dating, I would see a woman friend of mine with my partner and with my kids. Only afterwards, my friend said even though she enjoyed my kids and my partner that sometimes she wished she would just spend time with only me.

So I bring that up because sometimes we cannot "mix" our relationships. Time is precious with my children and with my partner and to fit in my other friends is challenging unless I combined my time with them AND with my children and/or partner.

My friend reminded me that it's "quality" one-on-one time that is meaningful.

So no advice, just sharing my experiences and perspective.

It sounds like you have already told CK *explicitly* (for that is what guys need, to be told directly rather than hinting or beating around the bush or ...) that you want to spend time with HIM and only him? Plus that even though he has history with his good friend that yours is a budding *romantic* relationship that he needs to nurture and value if he wants this to be a not-casual relationship.

Take care,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 9:59pm

Mark I appreciate your comments.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 12:05am

email is a sucky way to communicate. I also know that even face-2-face communication that some people, sometimes hear what they want to hear or just cannot listen. So no matter how clearly and carefully I word what I say I find that some people go into their heads and hear something else. Very frustrating. This is where asking people to paraphrase what they THOUGHT they heard is useful.

Dealing with someone who is late would drive me nuts. I would rather have the person tell me that they will call me when they will KNOW that they can make it at a certain time even if it is within the next 15 min rather than counting on them and they will bail. My coping mechanism is just to not count on him/her and just make other plans and if they can join me then great otherwise ... I know if it is a court date or something else that they HAVE to make then they will make it. So I don't have tolerance for people who say they cannot really make it on time because they can if they have to.

People have different conceptions about commitment and time. I find it a LOT easier to be partnered with someone that is compatible in those areas for those are key values for me.

Good luck,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 10:47am

I have to say that I hope your discussion went well.

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