OK, what now?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:17pm |
Well, I tried to talk to the wife about why we don't do it more often and she just brushed me off like I'm a kid asking for more ice cream and she went to bed! I'm pissed. Happened twice when I tried over the past few days. So what do I do now?
I know everyone has said talk to her but she doesn't see it as a problem as I'm convinced, she hates sex! She won't even talk about it and there is no way shes going to counseling. She just hates sex.
So I'm stuck. I can go to counseling and that'll help me understand the problem but thats not going to get me laid...URGH!
I am about a step away from going out and looking for it elsewhere. Seriously, I know its cheating but WTF? Am I supposed to go the rest of my life begging for it and only getting it every once in a while. I'll just stay in the marriage and get it on the side. And if she ever finds out, oh well, maybe it'll shock her into action?
The problem is being a man of low experience, I have no idea where to even look as its not like I'm picking up anyone at a bar...
I am just so F$&ing mad right now.....

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Tampa-man,
Same situation for me. I stay made all of the time because my wife never wants sex. I'm about ready to go find a FWB.
I have contemplated divorcing her and suing for custody of our son.
With you on this one.
MWC
I am not telling you that you are doing something wrong, but there might be things that are not making her happy outside of sex, that really effect her desire. Has she always been this way or has her sexual desire decreased through the years? Also, how old is she? I feel that since I have hit the late 30's I have greatly increased in desire. Even with DH.
Also, how are you approaching her about this subject? I find that when DH approached me about it I get cranky, because I feel he ought to know why I don't want to have sex when he is cranky and unthoughtful. Try not to make it sound like it is her fault, don't call her on it. Tell her you miss being tender with her...etc..I don't know if it will work but I wish you luck, you sound like a nice guy. :-)
I am sorry your dw is being so dismissive of your feelings.
I really agree w/Lil M on this one.....
Maybe she will take you more seriously if you start counceling....
I wish I could give you more advice.
I threatened divorce or counceling to finally get her to go. That helped for awhile, then she quit again..repeat, then again...I eventually just had to get out.
She just didn't like sex, or herself , or life it seemed. This went on for probably 7 out of our 11 years together.
Outcome...I'm divorced, I have a good relationship with my son. And I have a GF who likes sex, and life , and herself!!
I did have an affair about two years befor the divorce.. it helped for the moment, but I wish I'd just done it the right way in the beginning.
Give her the choices. tell her you're unhappy and exactly why, and then it's either counselling or divorce...you're that serious. Maybe that will be enough.
But don't forget, it's YOUR life...make it enjoyable for you.
Never quit trying...divorce is not failure alsways...sometimes it's the final choice and not pleasant....
I wish you well, hopefully counseling will help fix things. Good Luck.
If either of you wish to email me feel free.
You are getting AWESOME advice!!
I agree completely that an affair would be- at best- a band-aid on a gaping wound. There is a huge problem going on in your marriage, and it's hurting you. It's not the lack of sex that is so huge of an issue, but her refusal to take you seriously, and the way she has (at least in the past) made you feel guilty for wanting something very reasonable (you're not asking permission to go sleep with others or anything; you're asking for more frequent and satisfying sex with HER and there shouldn't be a problem with the request). This is a blow to your self esteem- you feel bad about wanting this, and question yourself, and assume she is in the right, and to some extent have bought into the idea that there is something wrong with YOU.
I agree with the comment that you should tell her that it's counselling or divorce. Something in your tone recently tells me that you'd rather just go for the divorce at this point. You may love her, but your marriage to her is failing, and her dismissal of your feelings is downright abusive if you ask me, regardless of how she feels about herself. If she's allowed to have feelings and reactions to things, so are you.
I have been through a divorce and divvying up property and deciding custody and totally rebuilding myself as a person while everyone on *his* side told me what a horrible person I was for doing what I did.
And as painful as that was, there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.
DH #2 and I have been through some very rough spots too, but what makes the difference is basic compatibility and a deep interest in making the other happy.
TMan,
I feel for you and everone has provided great advice.
I can only speak from my situation and I know when the physical side of the relationship is lacking for me that means the emotional side is lacking for DW.
There is other factors that play into to for her such as clean house, stress at work, stress at home with the kids. I work extra hard on making sure I take as much off her as I can and swamp her in romance and it seems to work.
Best of luck!!
tampa-man -- I can empathize with your situation.
My ex-wife did this for ten years until I divorced her. She absolutely refused sex or any other form of physical contact. If I touched her, as in a hug or a peck on the cheek kiss, she would accuse me of sexual assault. She stated, numerous times, that maturbation was deviant behaviour and a sign of my mental dysfunction.
In a marriage, holding important things hostage from one another is just plain BS. Marriage is negotitation, give and take, acceptance.
When one spouse refuses to do "xyz" until some other thing is done, the marriage suffers. I can understand that a spouse may not be up to sex periodically. But when it becomes the nominal condition of the relationship, its just plain wrong.
In my marriage, I was always willing to accept the blame and responsibility for the lack of physical relationship. I always assumed it was my fault and that I had to do something different to make it better. After years of counceling, it become more and more apparent that my ex-wife was mean spirited and delighted in depriving me of the things I liked the most.
You may want to check out the mis-matched libido board.
In the mean time -- do not cheat on your spouse. That is a mistake that cannot be made right. Don't do it.
AND -- you need to decide two things. First, is the lack of sex enough to end the marriage for you? Second -- if the lack of sex is a deal breaker, you need to tell your wife, in no uncertain terms, that she's facing divorce.
Her reaction will be critical -- if she starts blaming you for the lack of sex, well, you really don't have a marriage. If she's willing to try something, then you two stand a chance, and you will need to be patient.
Good luck.
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