Don't know if you guys can help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Don't know if you guys can help me.
18
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:44am
Okay so my BF has given me permission previously, say three months ago or so, to be with a woman while we were together. He said he wanted me to expirement and said he would totally okay with it. Well Saturday night it happened, it wasn't planned, just my best friend and I had been drinking a little and things happened. So I told my BF as soon as I had the chance, and he said he was a little confused or whatever but that he was okay. He did not consider it cheating, and told me not to let him stop it from happening again. Said he was glad I had the chance to explore. Then today he tells me that I cheated on him and it was a horrible thing to do and I was a horrible person for doing it. And for waiting three days to tell him. Well he works nights, and I was unable to reach him until three days later, and I told him the minute I could. Did I screw up by thinking that since he'd said it was okay, it was actually okay? Am I wrong in thinking that he is over reacting a little bit. He told me before that it wouldn't be cheating unless I was with another man, which I have no desire to do. So I am confused as to why he is so pissed at me. If he doesn't consider it cheating, then why did he tell me I cheated on him? I have apologized repeatedly that I didn't have the chance to stop and call him and ask his permission first, but he says that is just arguing symantics and he didn't want to do that.
We have been together a year and a half, and I don't want to mess it up, but I am so confused by his reaction. Any ideas?

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Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:10am
welcome to Taboos laylam.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:20am
Thank you. I do agree that most relationships cannot handle it, and I was surprised when he said it would be okay. But he and I have known eachother for awhile, so we've always been fairly open about stuff and able to talk. When he was okay one day and changed the next, that's when I got confused. Because he had gone from a little confused but okay to it being cheating and me being horrible.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:26am
name calling isn't fair in my book, I would be really hurt if my partner told me I was a horrible person.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:32am
I agree, I was really upset with the name calling. I get that you are angry with me, but you don't have to name call. And we're not twelve, we're adults who can talk about this. Although given some of his past behavior, I'm not sure he really is a grown up. But that's a whole other story. We're going to talk about it, and I already warned him that if it got too heated or whatever, I would stop it until we calmed down. Because I have a child (not his) who has no business hearing this. He said that would be fine, but we'll see what happens if I actually stop the conversation.
Hopefully he can maintain an adult conversation. We'll see.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:38am
well, best of luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:04am
I think this is a case of something looking good "on paper", but when it really happened, he had a lot of feelings. There was probably a part of him too, that didn't really believe you would actually do it, and was talking about it because it turned him on. Obviously communication is critical at this point, and rather than trying to lay blame and apologize, you guys need to face the facts. He said something, you interpreted it, something happened. I imagine he has a case of bruised ego, and is fighting because of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:43am
He broke up with me.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:03pm
he broke up with you?


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:08pm

ACK!!!!!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you!!!

And I maintain that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He gave you permission, you took him up on it, he got upset and spoke to his friends about it, then broke up with you. How can this possibly be your fault???

He needs to take responsibility for his actions here. If he gave you permission, then he CANNOT maintain that you cheated. He gave permission. He may have ended up regretting it with every fiber in his body, and it may have been a HUGE blow to his ego... but you did NOTHING that he didn't give you permission to do. You are not to blame. He is not being a man about any of this. Like I said on the other board, you guys can't change the past, and he should have worked with you to make rules and plans for the future, rather than to turn to his friends, listen to what they- who aren't in the relationship- think he should do. I'm so sorry that you are now paying the price for it- he is wrong to do this. :-(


"In Civilization and Its Discontents, Freud argued that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts. It now seems clear that one of those instincts leads us away from monogamy. Whether we choose to follow, on the other hand, is up to us."
-Dr. David P. Barash and Dr. Judith Eve Lipton,
"The Myth of Monogamy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:08pm
Sorry to hear that. There's lots of things people say when people break up, but I'll just say sorry...

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