Couples counselling?
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 6:46pm |
Many of us have had huge dramatic changes in our marriages and long distance relationships. Have you and your spouse/SO gone to couples counselling? Did you experience a big change in your relationship somewhere along the road?
I was re-reading some of Tampa-man's posts, and I have read here and on other boards, stories of how one spouse was very low libido and the other was normal or high libido. Many couples seem to have just outgrown the imbalance; other couples had major turmoil with or without counselling, and things improved... issues were overcome, and the couple began a much healthier sexual relationship. Some couples seem to be very out of sync, with one spouse perusing naughty iVillage boards while the problems seem to remain unchanged at home.
I'm curious- of the people here in long-term relationships, have you always been in sync with one another? Are you in sync now, but you didn't used to be? Did you need counselling? What changed to make you be in sync? Are you not in sync now? Are you considering counselling? Why or why not?
Given that our common bond here is Taboos, I wonder what people's experiences are....

"In Civilization and Its Discontents, Freud argued that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts. It now seems clear that one of those instincts leads us away from monogamy. Whether we choose to follow, on the other hand, is up to us."
-Dr. David P. Barash and Dr. Judith Eve Lipton,
"The Myth of Monogamy"

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No, a good counsellor wouldn't do that.
Sometimes in a marriage, one person IS more to blame for current problems than the other, but counselling is not about blaming someone. That's in the past, and can't be undone. The point of counselling is to figure out healthier ways to relate to one another, and build that happy home that both spouses want.
"In Civilization and Its Discontents, Freud argued that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts. It now seems clear that one of those instincts leads us away from monogamy. Whether we choose to follow, on the other hand, is up to us."

-Dr. David P. Barash and Dr. Judith Eve Lipton,
"The Myth of Monogamy"
We would not touch couple's counselling with a ten foot pole. It is the quickest way to garuantee divorce. When a couple 'gets into trouble' what boils down is a breakdown in communication. Communication essentially has three components to it: verbal, non verbal, context (how it is being said - e.g. tone, where it is being said, environmental influences, cultural influences, ect). 90% of how you communicate is done through non verbal and context, very little has to do with verbal. If you can figure how the two you communicate, how you respond (interpet) what you SO says, and what find solutions to areas that are causing 'problems' then there is no need for one.
Having read through Tampa-man's postings I am not impressed by their 'marriage counsellor' and think they highlight the problem with them. It is those who live in the ideal world that believe you live happily ever after, or you must be in sync 100% of the time. Most of the time you are not in sync and it only becomes a problem when it starts to impact your daily life.
We did lose our "spark" ("passion" as my dh put it) but it seemed to come back on its own and though its not as hot as it was in the beginning we still have an awesome sex life.
>>>We would not touch couple's counselling with a ten foot pole. It is the quickest way to garuantee divorce. <<<
Smurf, I agree that counseling isn't right for everybody, but it won't lead to divorce unless you're already headed there to begin with.
Well that counselling didn't go as DW planned as it turned out that us being so out of synch after not being out of synch at all prior to marriage was 'both' our problems and not just mine. That set off a lot of discussion. She is not one who likes to be analyzed at all...or look inward. But with my coaching, that I was learning how to do with my therapist, she started making some progress. Had she gone with me, I think it would have lent a lot more legitimacy to the process and have better results. Personally, EVERY couple should have some level of counselling...from tweaking and refining to an all out overhaul. It really works...imo.
I've seen lots of therapists for individual counseling, but in all the years I've been in and out of therapy, I would say I only had two therapists who were really good at their jobs.
I know I went through a long period of time sex was more of a duty then anything else. Interestingly enough it also coincided with the birth of a son. After hearing similar stories I couldn't help but wonder if a son takes all the testosotrone or estrogen from a women so that their libido is significally reduced. If that's the cause I now seem to have an abundance of it as I'll do a rock when I get horny enough!
During those times we just toughed it out. I think a lot of it has to do with mental and emotional. I had it happen twice. 2 marriages, a son in each marriage. The first time the 'recovery' period was longer. Second time Dh took the time to make me feel special, work through and let ME work through my own emotional feelings of how *I* felt.
This may not be the case with everyone, but I know this is what worked for me.
I went back and read some of the other posts adn wanted to comment. I personally don't think we *could* go to a counselor. We don't live the "norm" and there are very few kink friendly therapists or counselors out there. So finding one we could go to and actually talk and be understood would be difficult. To go to a 'normal' one we would feel we couldn't express everything that makes up our dynamic. Oh he causes you pain...then there must be something in your childhood that made you this way. Or he'll hear how he must hate women because he likes to hurt me. That's what we'd hear I'm afraid. And how is that going to help us get over little hurdles that crop up from time to time.
I know there's good ones out there, but you have to weed through a lot of garbage to find the good ones. More power to you if you found one!
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