What do you think....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
What do you think....
6
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 7:08am

This is not exactly a "taboo" topic...just looking for opinions after I had a little 'discussion' about this with a friend recently....

Here's the deal....I've never been with anyone other than my husband and, as far as I know (and he admits)--he's only been with me. We met when I was 15 and he was 16, got married at 20 and 21. I have never even KISSED anyone else.

Anyway, we've had some probems in our marriage , in general, and with our sex life, specifically. My friend told me that it's because (at least in part) I don't have a sexual history....because I only know how to have sex with my dh and, basically, that has warped my ideas about sex (no, those weren't the exact words--just how I perceived them!)

So...I guess my question is...does having more partners make you a "better" lover? Maybe not technique-wise, but at least attitude-wise? I'm not even sure if that makes sense.

sam

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 8:10am

Hi Samantha,
Your friend has the same mindset that many women and men have. It's the misinformed belief that the more partners you have, the better you are in bed, and that's just not true. I've known of cases where guys and girls have boasted about bedding many people, but their techniques are not rumored to be so good when you hear from the people they've slept with--which is why the relationship didn't last in the first place, lol. Some of these people may claim to have been with 40 or more people, but in actuality they may have only had sex about 60 to 70 times--close to 2 times with each person--and this is probably over the period of their lifetime unless they're married, then it may be more frequent.

Think about how many times you and your husband made love within your first year or so of marriage, probably quite a few times. Within my first of marriage, I had far surpassed any number of times my girlfriends claimed to have had sex by the 100's. When you're not in a monogamous relationship, for the most part, you don't get to have sex as often or have the advantage of doing it whenever you feel the urge. You have to go through making plans to meet, go through extra lengths to impress (because this person will probably not be as accepting of you as someone with whom you're in a monogamous relationship), and I just don't believe you can really let your hair down like you would with someone you've been with for years, or who you're in love with. IMHO, the best sex happens when you're in a long-term relationship, and when you truly care about and love the individual--and they love you back. To me, having great sex has nothing to do with how many bodies you've joined with, but rather the connection you have with your partner--that coupled with constant, honest communication on both ends.

I personally have only been with my husband, and I can honestly say that comparing with most of my friends I've talked with who have had more sexual partners (number of partners doesn't equal experience) my sex life is more satisfying--not to mention that me and my guy are more experienced than any of them. I also don't find myself in the situation of comparing my husband to past lovers, which many of my friends have admitted that they have done and that it sometimes negatively effects how they view sex with their current SO. I'm not saying that every woman or man who has had several sexual partners will have to face this issue, but it's certainly not uncommon. It's human nature to want to compare past and present events--sexual or whatever---but if at all possible it shouldn't be done with sexual matters, out of fairness to the spouse or SO a person is with at the time.

If you want to improve your sex life, then you start by communicating with your husband outside the bedroom as to what you both feel the problem is, what it is you both want to do, and start researching and exploring together how you can make your sex life more exciting. If it's confidence you feel that you lack, then you need to start getting more in touch with your body via solo sex and discovering what turns you on and makes you go crazy in bed. When a woman knows what she wants and how she wants it, then communicates this to her man, it can be arousing for both parties. It also gives her more confidence with her performance. If you know what feels good to you, then you will know how to make it happen for yourself in bed as well. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who is sure of herself and knows how to help her man please her. You should also find out what your husband likes, and read books or watch videos about new techniques you can try to bring him more pleasure in the bedroom --likewise he should do the same for you. If one's sex life is to be improved, then there must be active participation and interest from both parties involved for the changes and new activities to be fully effective.

Anyone can learn how to be great in bed. Sex afterall is a learning process. The more you do it, the more experienced and confident you become in your technique, and remember you will never know all there is to know about sex--so don't expect to. I personally am always learning about my body, my husband's body or new techniques, and have better sex for the things I get "educated" about--I suspect that this will happen through my whole "sexual life". Having sex with more than one person won't necessarily achieve more exciting feelings in your approach to sex. If you have sex with another man, but still carry your same non-updated sexual habits onto the relationship, then you're going to get the same results. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you do, but there is always room for improvement with everyone--no matter how much of a sex goddess or god you consider yourself to be. You have to constantly reinvent your sex life and not let it get stagnant. It's much like your health. If you want your body to stay looking good, you have to work at it, and constantly do what's necessary to achieve those results. Sometimes you even have to change your exercise routine when something isn't giving you the results you want....same with sex. That said, you only get out what you put into a relationship. If you and your guy seek to make your sex life more exciting and start being more adventurous, then it will happen. You just have to take that first step.

Having a threesome sexual experience or sleeping with another party is not something you should seek out to do first anyway to spice up your sex life, particularly if you and your husband have never really experimented between yourselves. Give your sex life maximum attention at home with your husband--make sure that it's the best its ever been and explore as many "taboos" as you can with only him, then see if the longing is even still there to have another party involved or to go outside the marriage. If it is, then maybe this is something you guys could discuss, but do always discuss with your husband what you plan to do or what you want to experience. Secrets are only gratifying while they're secrets; once they are found out, they're normally the source of shame and hurt. A silent opinion never gets heard, and therefore nothing can be done about the problem.

Don't listen to your friend, lol. She's not telling you "the real". She's buying into to an age-old stereotype that I've heard since I was in middle school, and that I'm sure our mothers' even were told when they were in school. I wish I had more time to talk, but I've said a page full already and I need to get started on my morning yoga. Remember, the number of partners one has had does NOT equal experience and sexual prowess. Practice makes perfect, so start practicing on your husband! lol You'll probably get more answers as the day wears on. Hope this helps you. Good luck.

Chakra

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 9:58am
Attitude comes from within. If you check out the SMS board (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsecretsofm) you'll find many, many couples that have only been with one another, and it's 20 years down the road, and these women are little sex kittens- great attitudes about sex, active sex life with creativity and all that stuff... I seriously doubt that being just with your husband is the main culprit in your issues with your DH. It may have more to do with the ages of any children you have, how busy you are, maybe you *want* to have had other sex partners and it's clouding the *real* causes of your sexual issues.... but no, it's not the variety of partners that is responsible for the attitude towards sex. Maybe it's the attitude towards sex that leads some people to have more partners, which, believe me, is not necessarily a great way to go. I envy the fact that it's only been you and DH. That is something truly special.


"Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error."
-George Bernard Shaw

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:45am

Thank you--I really appreciate your input and ideas. I wish that my reply would be as well thought out and eloquent as yours was, but I'm afraid that my brain has turned to mush after dealing with the kids all morning. lol

I have to say that I agree with much of what you said. :-) I think that, even though I've only had one paartner, Ive had LOTS of sex and I've I don't keep track of how many times we've had sex (gave that up a looong time ago--lol, but even now, after 4 kids and 13 years of marriage, we probably have sex twice a week. Sometimes more,sometimes less, but that would be pretty much "normal" for us. Our problems are, I think, MY problems. I have a lot of weird hangups when it comes to sex. Some of them I've been able to work through, others still get to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:04am
Hi Samantha,
I was 15 and my wife was 16 when we met at McDonalds where we worked. Dated for a few years, split apart, married others, kids, divorces, then got back together at 29 and 30. We are 44 and 45 now. I always felt connected to her from the very beginning. I think you have something special with your husband, a long history. I know for me, $ex is never as good as $ex with someone you can feel completely comfortable with.
So I don't think you missed much at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:02am
I had only been with one other person prior to my husband when I was 16. He was inexperienced as well. My husband on the other hand, claimed/claims to have done it all just about, including 3 somes. Therefore I was sure that the lack of a great sex life was my fault. After all he new it all and was wanting to teach me when we first got together. Over twenty years later I left the marriage. He is not a bad person I just couldn't stand waking up everyday thinking this is what my life will be like forever. We tried marriage counseling etc. Anyway, now I am seeing someone and have been sexually active with him for more than a year. This is a man who claims he has dated little and not been all that sexually active in the past. The sex is explosive. For the first time in my life I know what all the fuss is about. I feel like someone with a new religion. I want to spread the good word that there is so much more out there. That women don't have to settle. Now I am not saying leave your husband, there are probably other options. I must say that with my husband I tried books, i tried watching porn with him. It still never clicked with him. But if your husband has little experience also then maybe he would be open to some workshops or books, training videos. No idea if these would work for you. Let me also say that no i did not leave over sex I left due to an overall lack of connection. In fact I just assumed that sex was not some great thing to be bothered with. Just didn't want anyone to missunderstand that point. I hope you can get it to click.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 4:25pm

Hi, Sam.